Read it, don’t read it, I don’t care…just needed to get some things off my chest.
In no particular order of chronology or importance…
Not on the clock. Clearing the list. Sunday afternoon rant. Let’s turn and burn.
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1) Greetings and salutations, people. Thanks for joining me. Guess we don’t need to revisit about how Nadal might be crossing into best ever territory. I am glad I am a retired bettor, because IF I still bet, I MIGHT bet on tennis, and IF I did that odd move, then I would have lost the farm betting on Nadal last night. I thought he would ROLL the most Googled man in the last couple days. Congrats, Wawrinka.
2) First of all, thanks to Mr. Royal. Sure, it is nice having break days, but to think I would get someone with the EXACT humor I have is crazy lucky. I enjoy reading his posts about as much as I enjoy writing my own. Still searching for that nickname though. And a term for things like the Browns head coaching search.
3) Lindsey has on Princess Bride while I am ignoring her for the next couple hours writing this. Seriously, if there is a better movie out there, I don’t know about it.
4) After all of the Aussie upsets, I made a joke about Li Na. I didn’t think she would actually WIN the damn thing. As I tweeted, the Aussie Open got Bullocked. Best looking girl at the dance when all of the other ones left.
5) Logan, LOTS of pics in this one. Be careful at work.
6) Actually, I need a flow chart. I am still working on exactly WHAT getting “bullocked” means.
7) No better way to see a city in my opinion. I know that Kenny Powers would agree with me. Denver is cool, but missing jet skiing on all of the manmade and natural water occurrences in that great city. Too many foreign people for my taste to live there, but I will definitely visit as much as possible. I think we cared more about where Dexter worked from than anything else. Well, I am a dude, so I cared about Scarface a LOT.
8) Google the TOTAL stat line for Melo’s 62 points. Read the assists column. ZERO, people. ZERO. How can you not give someone the ball ONE time in a scoring situation for an entire game? Congrats on the record, Melo. You will end up with no rings when it is all said and done, but you can sit by the fireplace when you are old and talk about useless scoring records during the regular season. What you did your freshman year at the Cuse was amazing, but I think I have grown to hate you overall.
9) Speaking of the Cuse, still undefeated, people. Just advance them to your Final Four. Enis is a good PG he has proven, and the rest of the team is badass.
10) I am officially in. I am part of the generation. I have the Uber app, and you should too. Tired of not knowing when cabs are going to come, and love the fun GPS waiting for a cab. Most of the time, think about it, there IS a reason why you are calling a cab, and watching a car make turns on your phone is downright fun.
11) FOUR. That is the number for this hook. FOUR. Four new players in the NBA ASG starting lineups. Bravo. The masses have a problem of hanging on to perennial stars when voting over a $8 beer at games. Actually, there should be two more added to George, Irving, Love, and Curry. Kobe has played SIX games and is in there. Wade doesn’t have the supporting stats. Just saying.
12) You can take a 5 Hour Energy, or you could just sit in a darkened room and FEEL the energy coming out of Cleveland. They hired Buffalo DC Mike Pettine as their new head coach. THAT is a big hire, people. I talked to Google the other day on their support line. The only name CLOSE in searches to Wawrinka was Pettine.
13) I feel bad for El Tigre’s red shirt when he doesn’t make the cut. 72 and a 79? How the hell am I supposed to make people believe you are winning the Masters when you can’t even win a tournament that you have won like EIGHT freaking times?
14) Sean Taylor’s murderer was sentenced. Miss that guy. Classy, a little trash talky, and a stud on the field when he was healthy.
15) Roger Goodell doesn’t support Richard Sherman’s post game comments. In related news, the sky is blue and the grass is green. When is media day? I can’t wait to hear the thug from Stanford talk again with a mic in front of him.
16) When he gets fined $8k, does he just pay that with the money that is probably in his moment at the time? Does he just have a Floyd Mayweather bag with $10k in it (true story, people)?
17) Denver. I don’t need an HOUR of TV coverage when the Broncos arrive at the freaking airport. And WHAT are they doing on the cruise ship? I wasn’t paying attention.
18) Mom. Lindsey has a present for you. It involves sports, you will receive it after your cruise, and I have one word for you. TOOTHPASTE. You will love it.
19) The Brewers did something in signing someone. I don’t think anyone not still watching Laverne and Shirley commercials in that city really cares.
20) So, Geno Smith DIDN’T do anything wrong on that airline, and the airline apologized (and probably a flight attendant got fired). Glad I forgot to do that hook last rant as I was going to ROAST him. Lucky oversight on my part. I pick on the Jets enough I believe.
21) I think Chris Johnson should hit up Jon Lester. Lester can talk about cancer and the one line that Chris Johnson would NEVER use. “I will take a price discount to stay in this town.”
22) Eli Manning is presently giving Peyton secrets on stadium secrets. Wind, crowd noise, etc. Somehow, I think that “if you don’t win this one, I am still ahead in rings” PROBABLY worked its way into the conversation. Maybe Peyton should know that the Giants home turf is in Jersey too.
22a) I have NO idea who those people are. I just Googled “jersey girl hair.”
23) I think Ohio State just won the battle of the sliding teams against Illinois, proving NOTHING. They will win ONE game in the tourney. You read it here.
24) I hung out with Lindsey’s friend, Eric, last night. The only plus 40 guy I know who can honestly get carded buying alcohol. His girlfriend and I played two guys who REALLY like beer pong. Her and I won two and walked off the table. Kind of like John Elway.
25) Lindsey just turned off Princess Bride to put on Finding Nemo in Spanish. Not sure what is going on. I am focused. HEARING Princess Bride was much funnier. I don’t even know what part of Finding Nemo the movie is in.
26) Watching our recording of The Following after this blog. VERY excited. That will clear my circuit for the week. Men At Work, Blacklist, and The Following.
27) There was no called off 3 pointer by the refs needed in Arizona beating CU the other night. Hell with this. Their distribution of the ball and unselfish play are AMAZING. I am back on them. Michigan State, Wichita State, Arizona, Syracuse. For this rant at least.
28) She switched it to the Pro Bowl now. What is worse? Watching the Pro Bowl or listening to Cris Collinsworth announce it?
29) Federer’s skills are decreasing about the same rate as his racket head is gaining size. Amazed he got smoked by Nadal. Not surprised he lost. Just surprised he got smoked.
30) A.P. will have groin surgery. I know that groin injuries during games are called that so the announcer doesn’t have to say “junk,” so my thoughts and prayers are with you, bro, and I hope all is good down there.
31) Lindsey likes this. The lip reading stuff. WHEN will they do that Facebook thing again? I prefer THAT. Hilarious. BUT, this is pretty funny too.
32) As great as Miami was and as cold as Denver was when we got back, we stayed in THREE hotels, and NONE matched the badass shower we have here at home. LOVE my shower.
33) Colten Moore won snowmobiling at the X Games. SO cool of moment when he looked at the sky to commemorate his brother during the cermony.
34) I am sure LaMarcus Aldridge getting 44 points in a game had NOTHING to do with him not being named an ASG starter. Sure of it.
35) My parents were cool. They brought home blocks of cheese. That being said, HOW did I miss out on Prosciutto? They never fed me THAT. I just had a piece. It is literally the best tasting meat EVER. Heavenly.
36) So, there is no bias for professional athletes in sentencing? Josh Brent could have gotten 20 years for killing his teammate and he got 180 days in jail and 10 years probation. I will have to ask Lindsey what 10 years of probation actually is. Note to self.
37) So, a swimmer gets raped at Mizzou by a football player, doesn’t report it, and then commits suicide? Yeah, I will have to assume it actually happened.
38) The Celtics team went and played the lottery the other night. He “rested” and didn’t play. I believe he got a triple double the next game. Dude is balling.
39) Go figure. The concussion deal is not done. The end game will be a LOT more money. It is like contract negotiations with the Yankees.
40) I now like the Red Sox for making a Back to the Future reference when describing the Yankees. THAT is funny.
41) The San Jose Sharks extended Patrick Marleau and Joe Thornton for another three years. Now, should I predict them to win the Cup for the 7th year in a row? No.
42) Thirty % chance of snow in the Super Bowl. I guess if the game gets rain, advantage Seahawks.
43) Just kidding. Sticking with my prediction. 28-20 Broncos.
44) Yes, Vince. I did NOT text you when UVA took down UNC in basketball. I thought that was nice.
45) Lindsey has never eaten at Red Lobster. How does that happen? V-Day is pretty much set in stone I guess.
46) My UVA pullover that she got me is SO dope. I am convinced that I own the dopest pullover in the world. Truly.
47) Matt, Lindsey is on level 411 on Candy Crush. I think she is gaining. Watch out. She was NOT happy knowing one of my family members was more advanced than her on her specialty.
48) Not sure why it is a separate line item, but Wade, who doesn’t deserve an ASG starting role, is averaging 19, 4.7, and 4.8. Not solid enough in my opinion.
49) Lindsey is the MASTER of coupons and finding the deal. What a day yesterday. We paid $6 (including tip) for me and her getting crab cake benedict and pasta and cream sauce with a poached egg on top, AND we went to the stock show for a very small amount. I will be going back to Shells and Sauce in Cap Hill for the Vesuvio, and we loved the sheep herding, bull riding, and the huge junk on sheep.
50) No Deadspin links. JUST READ DEADSPIN.
51) If you are in a relationship and want ten minutes of energy if it is lacking, go buy some freaking lottery tickets. Lindsey and I buy them ALL of the time and consider that money “extra” money.
52) I am not as concerned about the Qatar World Cup building deaths as I should be. I had an interest in going to Brazil, not Qatar.
53) But, going to St. Croix with Lindsey’s family is not too shabby either…as long as they understand that when the US is playing, NO beach will beckon me. NONE.
54) Our interest in who the Cowboys new signal caller is overwhelmed by our curiosity on where Tony Romo will sit in history. He will go down as a backwards hat guy who never won.
55) The grass is green, the sky is blue, and JR Smith has proclaimed to the media that “defense is not his expertise.” Can Dennis Rodman and JR Smith just hang out in North Korea already?
56) Speaking of D-Rod, apparently he might have broken some laws in his gifts for his boy in North Korea. Gift laws? I assume that these are the most boring laws that man has ever broken.
57) The Bulls are pulling a Major League. They get rid of their star and now Tom has them jockeying for playoff position. Where the hell is Charlie Sheen and Wesley Snipes these days? Asterisk call. They ARE in the Eastern Conference of course.
58) I had to look in storage, but we had an 80’s party and I went. Notice the rolled up jeans.
59) Ponto’s input and he is right…it was NOT on Deadspin. I checked. A pizza throw.
59a) Dammit. Ponto, I need links, not videos. Google it.
60) Coming from an ex-bartender, if you are at a busy bar, and want a drink, guess the wrong name of the bartender like you have known them for a while, then blame the wrong name that you just moved in the area, it will get their attention, and you WILL get drinks. I did it last night.
61) Park & Co has the best burgers in Denver. I am telling you. I would rank them Croque (not pronounced anything like the game), Scarponne (no “e” said), Royal, and Popper. Go there your first chance.
61a) Highlands Tap and Burger is second for the record.
62) Another thing about the Denver stock show. I noticed they still played song like Dr. Dre and Top Gun Anthem even with the country audience. I DID get out of there without buying a cowboy hat. Only time I have worn a cowboy hat? Widespread Panic weekend.
63) Way back when.
64) The auctioneer thing was my favorite part of the stock show. In case you care, a heffer goes from $2700 to $8k. Now you know. They both looked the same to me, but it was fun to try and predict it with Lindsey.
65) You know you are in a long term relationship when you SHARE a turkey leg. Bonding.
66) Hey, Michigan State, you lost at HOME to Michigan. Stop losing to depleted rosters at your crib.
67) Raise your hand if you care about Pacquiao/ Bradley II. Ok. Do it NOW. No takers?
68) My hand was NOT raised and I am a true boxing fan.
69) Of course Graham is not going to be happy with the franchise tag with the Saints. N.O. Lock him UP. True, he is a TE, but there hasn’t been a tight end like him since early Antonio Gates.
70) My favorite college basketball is Nik Stauskas. On the record. This year, he is NOT JUST a shooter. But, of course, if you haven’t seen that YouTube video where he makes 46 straight three pointers in the rain, then I am HERE for you.
71) I just took a break. Since Greg Oden just had a birthday AND is healthy, I thought I would run out and see if there was a meteor shower. There wasn’t, but I tried.
72) Broncos Mike Adams says he will WALK to his Patteron, NJ home if the Broncos win the Super Bowl. Leave your jewelry in your locker after the game. Gangs don’t care about cool things like that and WILL mug you, and THAT is not a safe part of the country, Mike, as you know. I went to Camden. THAT was adventurous.
73) I am surprised I have to read fall out material about Marcus Smart losing his head. He is protypically NBA tall, has scoring and passing skills, is a lock for top 10 in the draft this year, and I thought his classiness was his BEST attribute.
74) The NFL is voted the most popular sport for the THIRTIETH straight year. How college bball got 3% of the vote is BEYOND me. How golf went DOWN in rankings makes sense. Way to ruin that for the fans at Perkins, El Tigre.
75) Rant Squad update. Diego Maradona has said AGAIN that Pele was the second greatest of all time. Please. Pele grew up kicking a ball made out of paper against the wall. Your greatest attribute was how much cocaine you can do. I read Pele’s book about 100 times as a kid. Back off. Just kidding. You are on my Rant Squad. Speak your mind.
77) I do NOT know who won the Rangers-Devils game at Yankees Stadium, but I DO know it was delayed because of sun glare.
78) I did not feel like going to the grocery store today. I walked to the corner store and got turkey. I kept my “blackened pepper” kick alive AND remembered that I used to be a buffet and room service guy at the original Boar’s Head Inn back in the day. You have NO idea how efficient I was in replacing the cheese plates and benedict plates. I got to eat the rest in the back kitchen. I might have replaced it early a LOT.
79) At the stock show, I finally learned how to zoom pictures on my phone. iPhone Lindsey actually showed me.
80) Jim Schwartz has a job in armpit Buffalo if you Lions fans care. Armpit, but some of the most passionate fans I have EVER met in my 41 years.
81) So Chris Kluwe was right. Those texts will KILL you. That is half the reason why I don’t have ONE invite to a Super Bowl party.
82) Little Jerry was at the stock show:
83) My favorite cow was one that I named Hermes. Lindsey wanted to go, so I will never know if he won.
84) Lindsey noticed that some sheep looked “biblical.” Here they are.
85) AND. George Costanza would be proud that SOMEONE named SOMEONE “Seven.”
86) Broncos WR Thomas wants Sherman to cover him next week. Careful, and cue that sleeping dog thing.
87) UK crushing Georgia tells me nothing. The SEC SUCKS in basketball outside of UF and UK, and those UK kids have NO idea what to do with their talent. And, Calipari is cheating.
88) Coach K wins his 900th game. Something tells me he will stick around to see 1000 since I believe he has that contract that expires when he is dead.
89) Lindsey went to the 80’s party with an outfit that I can only describe as a combination of Lita Ford and Jane Fonda. She only lived 4 years in the 80’s. No one is judging.
90) I read Rivals, and most of you probably don’t. Just know that one of the best QB’s in the land decommitted from Bama and committed to USC. Sarkisian: 1. Rest of the college world: 0.
91) That is it. I need to post these pics, and go watch the Following. My bed time is like 9pm on Sundays. Hope you enjoyed or at least are more informed. Will I blog tomorrow? That is a CLOWN question, bro. Peace.
92) Just a tagline. Gabe, would LOVE you to cover for me tomorrow (I like talking to people through my blog rather than direct contact).
93) AND. A picture of Airwolf, who could STILL destroy anything in the air these days.