There is nothing finer than being in your diner…

Read it, don’t read it, I don’t care…just needed to get some things off my chest.

In no particular order of chronology or importance…

No clock tonight.  Unwinding from a long work day and just going to….well…rant.

Let’s turn and burn.

1)  When people were wondering whether LSU’s Tyrann Mathieu would transfer, sit a year, etc., his pops told us that he would concentrate on becoming a man and not play a year of football.  We envisioned him doing community service, going to games and supporting his teammates, and perhaps helping old ladies across the street from time to time.  Nope.  Having the pleasure of hanging with last year’s graduated LSU screw-up Jordan Jefferson and one or two others, Matheiu was arrested for drugs…marijuana.  Good job, man.  I hope one of the most athletically gifted athletes we have seen in years catches himself before he becomes another Marcus Vick (hey, Tyrann, the bright side is that you can be on my Rant Squad).  They were probably smoking up, eating Cheetos, and playing video games. I guess with the technology we have today, maybe one of those games had the helping an old lady across the street in it.

2)  Actual NFL players voted on several tiers about their colleagues.  All I care about is the overrated poll.  Yup.  Tebow took #1 by a large margin.  I bet you Mark Sanchez saw the article and started thinking about ways to tease Tebow…until he noticed who #2 was in that poll.

3)  The NHL has said they will pull the proposal soon, and no talks are scheduled.  Ho.  Hum.  These guys just don’t care.  Now, they have cancelled all November games.  Start talking, guys.  Play a ten game season for all I care…as long as you come back before your biggest success over the last few years…the Winter Classic.  Watching hockey outside is awesome, and you all are going to punk us on it.

4)  I am bothered when someone says the word “concussed.”  I don’t have any better ideas, but there has to be a better way of saying it.

5)  You think I am joking, but I am not.  We are on a strong streak of THREE days.  Dwight Howard gets lonely, is on a random interview, and then tells us something totally useless because he likes to be on the wire.  Today’s?  He initially wanted to be traded to the Nets.  In the words of KGB from Rounders, “go away.  this one is not good for you (and in my club, I will splash the pot whenever the f%^& I please).”

6)  Mariano Rivera is contemplating retirement after his injury that sidelined him this season.  Can you blame him?  How many save opportunities would he have had in the postseason?  Like one?

7)  Yes.  I realized this rant could be a lengthy one, and I am writing this in Word first.  You are telling me no one writes longer blogs than me, WordPress?

8)  I still chuckle every time the Little Caesar’s commercial “There’s no rules.  There’s one rule!” is on.  It was just on.  I chuckled.

9)  How is it that you scheduled no World Series game tonight, MLB?  Tomorrow and Sunday?  College football and NFL football.  Tonight.  People like me are lost.  There ARE other people like me, right?

10)  Stephen A.  Smith.  I lost some respect for you this week.  I LOVE your analysis.  I LOVE your street style.  I agree with most of your takes, and if I don’t, I admire how you deliver the opinion.  I watched the tape, bro.  You said it (he got flak for saying “n#g^a, please”).  When you made a statement the next day, you said that you didn’t even say it.  Saddle up, bro.  If you are so Type A and crazy honest the other times, why can’t you say you said it and you are sorry.  Sell out.  You are like 30% of all new Linkin Park songs.

11)  Dodgers Carl Crawford has said he regrets for not having surgery sooner and said that the Boston fans pressured him into playing hurt.  Ummm.  Are you also going to regret for SUCKING the entire time you were IN Boston?

12)  Lindsey is in Norman this weekend for the ND-OU game.  She and her dad are so hard core Sooners that she is actually named for the “main street” in Norman.  Lindsey Street.  Boomer Sooner, girl.

13)  Peyton Manning bought 21 Denver locations of Papa John’s.  Ten to one the next local Papa John’s commercial has him rolling up to a store in a Buick Murano.  That would be super cool, and the commercial version of crossing the streams in Ghostbusters.  Maybe, Peyton, you can get locked out of your own store in a commercial, and ask passers-by if they are the gatekeeper…

14)  Lawrence Taylor won his lawsuit of paying to have sex with a 16 year old in a hotel room.  I don’t care what the technical charges were.  Read that first sentence one more time slowly.  Eeewww.

15)  Amare Stoudemire will get a second opinion on his injured knee.  In a related story, Amare will also get a second opinion on whether he should have stuck with Steve Nash’s team.

16)  Lance Armstrong’s titles will not be designated to any rider.  I guess that ONE guy out of 21 who wasn’t tied officially with PED’s either doesn’t care or died a couple years ago.

17)  The Ravens were fined 20k for not disclosing Ed Reed’s injury.  I know this is not hockey, but I think that tough of sport SHOULD adopt hockey rules.  What’s that?  Ohh.  You are right.  It would RUIN those people who have their fantasy team up on their smart phone at bars.  It would KILL that little click box you can hit to get instant injury status.

18)  I notice that all bums/ homeless people smoke and/ or drink.  I am curious.  Are there any really healthy living, really dumb, and really poor people out there?  Are they not known as “cool” homeless people by their peers because they buy a bunch of bananas with the coins they found in the sewer?

19)  I came into the knowledge of Flo Rida during that cool Cult Bud Light commercial with the song I wanted for my iPod.  Anyway, I know who is he is, am still bitter I can’t get the full version of that song, and now am not impressed by his personal design of his high school football jerseys.

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20)  UCLA’s Shabazz Muhammad, the prize basketball recruit from last year, not only is not out of the woods for eligibility, but can’t stay healthy.  He got hurt again this week.  Geez, Shabazz.  We didn’t say you had to try to be the next Tracy McGrady THIS early.

21)  Someone up above wants me to save money this weekend.  He put in my head to take Eleanor, my Jeep, in early tomorrow for winterization, has the Cornhuskers (ugghhh)  playing another late game at my watering hole DURING the OU game, and put the Steelers on main TV.  I will be home or not at a bar a LOT this weekend.

22)  Jeers to you ESPN Mag.  Your NBA preview is horrible.  A fancy chart that no one understands, some percentages that no one feels like figuring out, and NO list of present roster players.  You have a paragraph mentioning a few of the key players.  Bottom line, normally it takes me DAYS to read season previews.  I killed yours in 45 minutes.  Sporting News (if or if not that it still exists) kicks your ASS (sorry, mom, for cussing).

23)  Am I supposed to know that band in the Drew Brees commercial?  One Direction?  Are they mainstream?  Are they English?  PLEASE tell me none of the radio stations I listen to play them.

24)  The Steelers defense is predicted for ONE point in one of my fantasy leagues.  How the mighty have fallen.  Someone check on Jack Lambert.  If he plays fantasy, he might be having a heart attack right now.

25)  Dale Earnhardt has said that NASCAR can’t ignore concussions.  Great.  HERE we go.  The guy can’t win anything, gets a bump on his head, knows that it is the hot topic in sports these days, and now evidently has self-proclaimed himself as the spokesman on that topic from his sport.  That is ALL I need…more NASCAR headlines.  Fancy.

26)  In such a hard to determine year for college basketball, I am amazed that in both the coaches and AP polls, the top three were unchanged.  IU, Louisville, Kentucky.  With all of the changing players, that is crazy.  Glancing at the rankings and looking for out of big conference bracket busters, the obvious ones are Creighton, with UNLV second.  Don’t look there.  It is preseason.  Look at the “other receiving votes.”  Give a game or two in March Madness to either Murray State, Colorado State, or St. Louis.  Just like I will pull up the rant I had that said it would be Giants-Tigers in the World Series before the season, I will pull this hook up next April.

27)  Although I have pre-determined heating at my apartment, and it is kept nice and livable, I am confused how I have a ceiling fan, a fan AC unit on fan only, and a regular fan ALL on in my bedroom and the temperature still stays 73 degrees.  I am glad my leasing office is paying for this hard working heat in my sleeping wind tunnel.

28)  Octavia Dotel has played for THIRTEEN teams??  That dude must have NO problem finding something to do on away series during the season.  I bet you he goes to places where he still knows the name of the bartenders.

29)  I saw a special on prisons paying prisoners to do “good” things.  I am glad they didn’t have this program when Michael Vick was in prison.  One of the things they showed was walking and training dogs.

30)  Fresh off of me talking about his legendary “slumpbuster” interview with Jim Rome, Mark Grace got indicted for his 2nd DUI this week.  I suppose the bright side of things, Mark, is that if they send you to jail, those slumpbusters will look like Marilyn Monroe.  I think the reason (besides my fantastic parents) I am such a good, moral, legal person is that I would be horrible in jail or prison.  I have the complexion that would have gotten me through the Nazi years, but I have a feeling that wouldn’t help me in the big house.  If that came across as bad in any way, I apologize.  I was just cracking on myself.

31)  Watching this World Series, some of you are just getting to know name of Doug Fister.  I won’t give you stats.  I won’t give you his potential.  I will just remind you that he was part of one of the funniest trades of all time.  I won’t get graphic.  I will just write it.  I am going there, so please skip to hook 32 if you think I might be about to say something to offend you.  Are all of the sensitive people off this hook?  Yes?  Ok.  To get him on the Tigers, Doug Fister was traded for Charlie Furbush.  Moving on.

32)  I had a few jokes to say about Casey Pachall, the TCU QB who went to rehab, but I am still recovering from that last comment, so I will be nice for a few hooks.

33)  David Stern will step down on February 1, 2014, 30 years after he came onboard.  Although I could argue he came onto the job at the peak when Magic and Bird were going full throttle already and making the NBA successful, he didn’t LOSE anything.  He kept the momentum going, even through a strike.  The only thing wrong he did was rig the ping pong balls, and we can’t prove that.  I think he has the easiest job of all the commissioners, but you can’t fault what he did, and he is leaving on top.

34)  If you decide to bury all decency you have in life and watch Brickleberry, Tosh.O’s creation, I won’t be a spoiler, but the character Denzel’s fetish is going to make you laugh out loud, and also make you wonder A) why you are watching B) why you are laughing.  It is creepy, over the top, and as you go through the episodes, you will realize it will not go away.  Lindsey and I have seen three episodes.  Although we are not sure if it is right to do so, we like it and will continue to watch it.

35)  On the coldest day of the year with a slight covering of snow and with me in shorts, Eleanor decided to do her occasional “not let me close the door” trick.  I bungee corded the door to keep it shut, and drove to work.  I have automatic locks, but still have to manually lock two of the doors (the third one I don’t enter, exit, OR lock).  I think I will know when Eleanor is down for the count.  I think she will just lock me out of ALL the doors.

36)  Copa-America will be held in the states in 2016.  That will be a fun soccer event held in the States.  I guess if I don’t make the World Cup, that this event will be my back up plan (I am just saying that.  I have said I am going to Rio for about 7 years now).

37)  Lindsey just texted me that she is sitting next to Mike Golic in Norman.  I told her to get his autograph for an avid listener.  Not sure if she is being shy because he is a Notre Dame guy or he is a celebrity, but she doesn’t seem shy yelling Boomer Sooner during a game.

38)  I hear the Columbus radio host who said on the air that he wished Michigan alum Desmond Howard would be fired or die…was fired.  I am glad that although it is one of the most heated rivalries in sports (I still think Bama-Auburn blows it away), that sanity and morality still prevail.  Oh, Vince, if you say that Duke-Carolina basketball is better than Bama-Auburn, then I think you are drinking tonight.

39)  Kevin Love shaved his head for his cause…Spreadlove.  I don’t care about the hairdo.  I just wanted to mention his cause because I think it is a clever, genuine name for a charity.  Good stuff, Kevin.  Do you think that if Kevin Love’s girlfriend broke up with him, that we would have any worry that he would “rebound?”

40)  If I am getting a hell of a lot more robot comments on my site, is that good?

41)  I think I am being tested.  Lindsey left a fifth of Jack Daniels at my apartment this weekend.  I am going to impress her by not finishing it.  I at least will give it my A-for-effort.

42)  Speaking of North Carolina, I hear one of their football players plagiarized a paper by an 11 year old.  What’s that?  FOUR 11 year olds?  Does that mean that the football player was spreading his plagiarizing around to not get noticed or that there is a gang of 11 year olds in Durham running around forcing papers on dumb college students?

43)  The Dallas Mavericks picked up Eddie Curry yesterday.  I, nor NO one in this universe, knows whether that is a good thing or not.  I DID hear though that Eddie, Kwame Brown, and Michael Olowokandi were all having drinks the other night at a Dallas strip club.  The parallel is there.  Promise.  I hear that Darko showed up later.

44)  Is anyone else irritated by corporate email strands?  I think it is my OCD of having NO scroll in my Outlook inbox, but I start cussing when one starts.

45)  I got a catalog for Bed, Bath, and Beyond today.  I have a bed.  I have a bath.  And I have neither the interest nor money to go beyond.  I feel like being Kramer and stopping the mail.

46)  GREAT story, no matter WHAT happens in the World Series.  Brian Stow, the fan who was almost beaten to death, attended Game 2 as a guest of the team.  That is incredible and heart warming.  SO glad he made it back to the flip side.

47)  So.  Andrews Wiggins jumped into the #1 slot of the 2013 class as opposed to the 2014 class.  Jabari Parker, the previous #1, is pissed after being #1 forever, and I read two articles.  I didn’t find out WHY Andrew suddenly jumped up a year.  I got the feeling that he was initially behind and caught up, as opposed to finishing a grade early.

48)  Sad to see Delonte West suspended and then leave his team.  And, I don’t know the story and details.  Without going into a full story, and although some people think that bipolarism is a made up disease, the ones who have it…HAVE it.  I have seen it up close and personal, and it ain’t pretty.  Good luck, Delonte.  Don’t worry about basketball.  Your health comes first.

49)  Greg Jennings is having surgery.  He says it is not “season ending.”  Greg, the fantasy playoffs start early.   It IS season ending.  Damn you.

50)  Sad to say that although I went to a church called Pathways and found a new path in life, there was scandal, the pastor is gone, and I have no motivation to go again for about the third week in a row.

51)  The Pats game isn’t over yet, but dibs to my buddy, Brian, for listening to me.  Although the Vikings looked solid in his winner’s pool, the Bucs were a preseason darkhorse, the Vikings are NOT solid on paper, and Tom Brady wants to make sure that London knows who he is.

52)  The Bubble Boy episode was on Seinfeld tonight.  Although Jerry didn’t think his autograph was good, I thought that “there’s nothing finer than being in your diner” was perfect.  You are too hard on yourself, Jerry.  Moors.  Moops.  Moors.  Moops.  Moors.

53)  The NBA has announced that All-Star votes will not be for positions up front, but just labeled as “frontcourt.”  You guys are about ten years late to the party on this idea.  I could throw out Amare, Dirk, and Tim Duncan as just a few examples of players who toe the line on positions.  Aside from Lopez and Howard, are there ANY true centers in the league anymore?  Good ones at least?

54)  Speaking to that, I hear that Hakeem has been a popular guy this year.  Everyone from Amare to Kobe to LeBron are reaching out to learn his old school moves.  Smart move.  For you younger people, google “Hakeem” and how about “post move highlights?”  You will get some pretty awesome videos.  And.  He was the one person who took advantage of Michael’s baseball experiment.  Two titles in MJ’s absence with the Barons.

55)  The Buffalo Bills had an expensive offseason.  I am sure they were not too happy that Mario Williams might have to have wrist surgery.  I didn’t score a 48 on the Wonderlic like Ryan Ftizpatrick, but I know that this is not good.

56)  I hear the NFL might drop the Pro Bowl.  Guess they are really splitting the atom when not trying to accuse people of setting up bounties.  David Stern is looking like a pretty good commish right about now.

57)  I will be going to my watering hole after this rant.  I think everyone needs a “walkout” song.  Mine is the Top Gun Anthem.  Get one.  It is fun, and it also alerts the bartenders that you are leaving if you have an open tab.

58)  That is not why I do the walkout song though.  People with OCD don’t walk out on tabs.  They ask 30 times if they have closed out.

59)  Tomorrow is football, Eleanor winterizing, and The Panther reading day.  Sounds trivial, and all of the Halloween house parties I got invited to will be sad (that is EXTREMELY sarcastic-my friends don’t like me), but it will make me happy.

60)  I “iron” on the road at hotels by sticking my suit in the shower on full blast with hot water.  Ironing is done.  Odd that I don’t do the same thing at home.

61)  College picks.  No explanation.  I am out of “rant” steam.  Give me the following:

CU plus 45 ½ against Oregon, Vandy minus 32 ½ against UMASS, Kansas plus 20 ½ against Texas, GTech minus 2 ½ against BYU, Georgia plus 6 ½ against Florida, Kentucky plus 13 ½ against Missouri, Southern Cal minus 6 ½ against Arizona, and Ohio State pick em against Penn State.  My ringers are GTech and Southern Cal.

62)  That is it.  Will I blog tomorrow?  That is a CLOWN question, bro.  Hope you enjoyed.  Peace.

63)  OK.  I have a lot to do and watch tomorrow and have written a lot.  I might take one of the weekend days off.  It is just a tagline, folks.

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