That’s not a knife…

Read it, don’t read it, I don’t care…just needed to get some things off my chest.

In no particular order of chronology or importance…

NOT on the clock.  More on that in a second.  Afternoon rant.  Seriously, let’s turn and burn.



1)       Here is the deal.  My old school readers tell me.  “You blog is cool and all, but I don’t have the time to read every day, so just let me know when the next “I have had a couple drinks” one is out, as they are best.”  Well, Lindsey had a bad morning, we went out for some drinks, and she is taking a nap, I have Major golf to watch, and let’s just say I have time to write whatever I want for however long I would like to write.

2)      Rule 1:  Jason Dufner will NOT win this thing.  If there was one guy who I could look at and assume he will NOT win a Major, it is him.  I am serious on that.  Adam Scott and others will rule him.  I am personally rooting for Steve Stricker.  Great background story.  In the meantime, I give you Jason Dufner helping kids.

Golfer Jason Dufner Appears To Be Having A Lot Of Fun Visiting These Kids In Dallas

3)      But, congrats on Dufner for getting the PGA record for a round.  You have to be good to do THAT.

4)      Shhhh.  I don’t think anyone has heard.  If you are a baseball fan, you know it is a great pickup.  If you are not, then just note that the Rangers picked up Alex Rios from the Chicago White Sox.  Does anyone else see a Tigers-Rangers League Championship?  Boston will get wrecked by everyone else in that division.  INCLUDING Toronto.

5)      This rant is going to be good.  I can FEEL it.  Sometimes I rant because the calendar turns over.  Sometimes I rant because I want to.  THIS would be the latter.  Let’s clear the list, shall we?

6)      Dibs to my colleague, Sean, from my company.  You let me air out a lot of stuff last night (this morning), gave some honest, good advice, and I am better for it.  I had no idea you read my blog still.  A shout out to the 200-300 people who read this religiously.  Gratitude extended.  This is my passion, and glad a few hundred people like reading my thoughts.  Alright.  Let’s get back to it.

7)      I can even tangent if I want.  It IS my blog.  And I am treating Lindsey to Shark Week on flippers from the PGA Championship.  I am so unselfish.

8)      Jeers to my ex-neighbor, Shawna.  Lindsey and I went to a bar, ask for golf on the tube, and I had to tell her “if you hate golf, that is fine.  Just internalize it instead of saying it every freaking 3 seconds.”  Geez.

9)      I asked.  “Have you ever tried to play?”  “She said “No.”  Exactly.  I dare all of you haters to play 18 holes.  That is it.  You will watch these guys and I would be happy to pick your jaw off the carpet.  I won’t even charge money.  Dibs to you, Logan, for TRYING to watch it.  I am jealous you watched Thursday or Friday.

10)   Don’t worry.  Shawna doesn’t read this blog.  She just wants me to watch her cat over Labor Day.  Somehow, the cat LIKES me.  Ugghhh.

11)   I got scratch tickets today for me, Lindsey, and the bartender.  I thought of Mike Tice.  Nice to be an ex-coach who gets bored with his resume and goes and plays the horses…and wins 100k.  Ugghhh.  Her Mother was a mudder.

12)   Thank you, Seinfeld peeps, for laughing at that.

13)   Pujols-PED talk.  I don’t know about you, but I am not buying it.  I think it is funny that he sucks after signing a VERY long contract, but I don’t think he cheated.

14)   Will there be a country song written about the four Vanderbuilt football players who raped someone?  Where will they sneak in the pickup truck and dog?

15)   On a serious note, if ever going to Nashville (which Lindsey’s friends Aaron and Tylynn ARE), go to THIS bar.  New acts and legends all in the same boat, and I almost attended this school before UVA said OK because Vandy had “Seinfeld Nights.”  You can FEEL the magic…unlike the Vandy football players.

16)   Those last two hooks were kind of rude.  Sorry.

17)   Is it weird that Tiger hasn’t won a Major since I saw him live win his last one?   Did I JINX him?  I was 20 feet away when he tied Rocco Mediate on 18.  Just saying…

18)   If you are searching for the “one,” good luck to you.  I got mine.  Lindsey accepts me as is, and loves me so much she is taking her nap out in the living room WHILE watching the PGA Championship.  I am lucky, and anyone who knows me KNOWS that.  My sports schedule alone would drive me crazy if I was a girl.  I don’t TIVO anything.  The fact that I don’t really age helps I guess (thank you, whoever).  Thanks for the intro, Rob and Steph (I love giving a shout out to people who don’t read my blog).  For those guys who think that persistence isn’t important, Lindsey and I already had each other’s number before we met.  She just dissed me the first time.  A joke that will NEVER get old.

19)   The leaders have just teed off.  I had to shut down Shark Week for Lindsey.  Flipper only now.

20)   Nice, A-Rod.   0-4, 3k’s in front of your home crowd.  You are an idiot.

21)   Golf announcers are SO relaxing.  I would take a nap if I didn’t have like 100 things left on my list

22)   Ok.  50.

23)   Obama says that boycotting the upcoming Olympics would be wrong.  In a related story, the grass is green and the sky is blue.

24)   LSU is having injury problems.  TCU coaches are making fun of Les Miles.  Luckily, I think it is all Bama and South Carolina to take the conference.  Maybe A&M has a chance if they suddenly make a law that fraternity parties are illegal (yes, YOU Johnny Football).

25)   Seriously, Jason Dufner can’t win this thing.  It just isn’t possible, right?

26)   Lindsey just laughed because she finally heard “mashed potatoes” after Dufner teed off.  I thought everyone knew about that.

27)   I have set up camp for the next 3 hours.  If I had a bartender and a bedpan, life would be complete.  I would have someone take a picture of me, but Lindsey is sleeping and no one else is here.

28)   Tim Tebow has recently said there is “room for improvement” in his game.  In a related story, the grass is green and the sky is blue.

29)   Damn.  I just realized I did that joke twice.

30)   Please remove microphones from Jeannie Buss’s mouth.  Shut up already, lonely.  Instead of saying what your elders could have done, just do it.  Oh.  You didn’t WANT Snowball.  Trust me.

31)   Matt, someone told me I need to follow HUNDREDS of people to get big on Twitter.  Just so you know, I now follow your workout buddy, Mike Trout…and about 200 more people now.

32)   I just saw a commercial with Keegan Bradley.  No more endorsements for him, please.  Nice guy though.  You don’t know who that is, do you?  THAT is why you didn’t even crack a smile.

33)   If someone calls a preseason game a “game” one more time, I am going to throw this laptop out of the nearest window..

34)   No, David, I know this is my work PC.  No throwing.  Just saying how much I hate preseason football.  David, you are doing a blog a week.  You should up it to 2 a week at least.

35)   I agree with the city of Pittsburgh.  Whether he is Sid the Kid or not, EVERYONE should have to wait in line at the DMV.  You don’t experience life without waiting for a renewal.  AND you don’t realize that Jerry Seinfeld WAS right in saying that 5% of the population was attractive.

36)   Lindsey just asked (yes, she is awake still) for me to get an accent.  I couldn’t agree more.  I want an Australian accent more than most things in life.  But can’t do an accent.  I am HORRIBLE.  The best thing I have going for me is that my tagline and frequent answer is “no worries.”

37)   Hence the now Crocodile Dundee referece…

38)   Geno Smith is injured, and somewhere Mark Sanchez is smiling over a bloody mary.

39)   Might just be me, but I think that a MAT might have invigorated the Buffalo Bills.  Eli Manuel will get his first start in PRACTICE.  That is funny because Kevin Kolb hurt himself tripping on a mat.

40)   Hey, female bartender at Sports Column, I bartended for 14 years.  I don’t know you, and you don’t know ME.  BUT, can you let the cash hit the bar and let me take a sip before sniping my change.  BS.  I have backed off overtipping  unknowns since I am out of the business, but it is not like you won’t get $1 of $2 per drink.  The only thing I miss about bartending is having some lame ass serve me.

41)   Why does Lindsey’s roommate text us when she is in the other room?

42)   If the Red Sox don’t make the playoffs, will there be a “Curse of the Peavy?”

43)   That is funny because there was the curse of the Bambino, and they are losing after picking up Jake Peavy.  Bambino is MUCH more catchy though.

44)   I am aware how good Clint Dempsey is.  I am aware that the Seattle Sounders just got him.  I am also very aware that the press is blowing this up like we are in England or Italy.

45)   That was funny because they are soccer countries.

46)   I go to sleep every night wondering how Craig Ehlo is doing?  That is normal.  Right?  That is funny because he just assaulted his woman, and because he was the recipient of a nasty move by MJ in a playoff game.

47)   If you would like to hear X Games, please email me what I should say.  Didn’t the last X Games just happen like two months ago?  I guess you better email me FAST.  The next one might be next month for all we know.

48)   Rex Ryan asks Jets fans to give Sanchez a break.  Jets fans ask Rex Ryan to give them a break.  Anyone in New York is pondering having an Eli Manning poster on their wall.

49)   Derek Jeter may or may not be on the DL.  I can’t keep track.

50)   Mark McGwire says he never wishes he was part of PED’s.  Fans wish he was never part of that crazy home run race.  Jose Canseco wants to fight him.  That is funny because they both cheated and were on the same team at one point.

51)   We also wish that Sammy Sosa never existed.  I wish he was Michael J Fox playing guitar WIHTOUT George kissing his lady.  Yeah.  That is funny because he would then disappear.

52)   Raise your hand if you care about Aaron Hernandez’s cousin being held in contempt.

53)   This is a blog.  I will assume no one cares anymore.  And I can’t see hands being raised.

54)   Alabama got the #2 pocket passer in the class of 2015.  The only problem with this is…are they slacking?  How did they not get the #1 one?

55)   I know some of these are short hooks (like this one), but I feel we might have a 100 in me today.

56)   The NFL will get DUI penalties.  Let me ask a question I have asked for about 20 years.  If the league minimum is $285,000, I play football, and I like to drink, can’t I just pay someone $40,000 a year to be on call to pick me up from bars?

57)   I I told you that a legendary sportscaster said “hashtag-ahole,” would you watch it?

58)   Chris Paul says that the Clippers go as Blake Griffin goes.  This is a nice gesture.  WE know that the Clipper go as Paul goes.  HE says it is Griffin.  GRIFFIN knows it is Paul.  Everyone else thinks it is Doc Rivers.  Can someone grab me a freaking flow chart so I can stop this hook?

59)   I stopped.  In case you care again, since Tiger is out, I am FIRMLY rooting for Steve Stricker or Lee Westwood.

60)   By the way, Jason Dufner has just double bogeyed.  See ya later, kid.  Go sit on the wall.

61)   Bill Self says he might try the NBA gig down the line.  He said this as he was reading an autobiography of Rick Pitino.  He will change his mind.  Don’t worry.

62)   Would anyone else like to join me to watch a Trivial Pursuit game between Metta World Peace, Ryan Lochte, and Riley Cooper?  I will put in $20 to start.

63)   Thoughts and prayers to Pitt’s Dave Parker.  He was diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease.  Great guy, make friends with Michael J Fox and Ali, and I truly wish you the best in your fight.  He was one of the first players I remember watching outside of Phils Mike Schmidt and Steve Carlton.

64)   Nelson is hurt.  Jennings went to the Vikings.  Driver is trying to retire.  I am lost Who the hell is Aaron Rodgers going to THROW to?

65)   I put it in last blog, but worth putting in again.  American football coach doing some soccer.  Thanks, Logan.

66)   When Lindsey and I went to our free Comedy Works thing the other night, I forgot to tell people the skit I heard on cats and dogs.  HILARIOUS.  He admitted to being a cat person.  He talked smack to dog people.  Why?  Because dogs rat you out for drugs.  It was awesome.  I can’t redo the skit as I am not a comedian, but let’s just say it ended with him acting like a cat saying “Heroin?  That’s cool,” (licking himself like a cat).”

67)   If Jay Bilas single handedly STOPPED college jerseys being sold online by a tweet, are him and O’Bannon at least TALKING????????  That hook might be over the casual reader’s head.  Sorry.  I don’t explain myself unless I say “ that is funny because…”

68)   If you don’t get that hook, then just know it is about how it is unfair how college athletes don’t get paid ANYTHING on winning and merchandise.

69)   I wanted to crack on Paul Pierce for talking about the Brooklyn Nets ruling NYC, but then I realized that the Nets arena is actually IN NYC.  Go Meadowlands.  That is funny because the Jets and Giants are in Jersey.

70)   His attorney says that Johnny Football WILL start his college opener.  The fact that he HAS an attorney is a problem.

71)   Broncos Von Miller’s appeal is August 15th.  I hope he wears the same clothes to it.

72)   I will be happy to comment on Tony Stewart’s second leg surgery on his broken leg as soon as I find out what went wrong in the first one.

73)   I wasn’t a baseball player, but if I was, this would be me.

74)   Steelers WR Plaxico Burress will undergo shoulder surgery for a rotator cuff injury.  He is a jackass, but I suddenly miss the other jackass Mike Wallace.  There is probably a shoot yourself in a foot joke I am missing.

75)   Professional athlete Brandon Carr watched his child being born on FaceTime.  As soon as someone tells me what that is, I will have more to say.

76)   Golfer Woody Austin got a FOUR stroke penalty for carrying an extra club in his bag during the PGA.  The cut ended up being 4 over.  His score?  FOUR over.  I assume THAT caddy is fired.

77)     Lindsey just went to the bedroom to nap.   I think she muttered that golf is too boring to sleep during.  NO one is perfect OR likes golf.

78)   I have added Jim Furyk to my list of non Tiger people I am rooting for.  Ugliest man on earth, weirdest swing.

79)   Last page of the rant.  Stay with me.  Bulls-Heat/ Clips-Lakers opener have been announced.  Jury duty and Chris Paul WILL be discussed.

80)   Pete Rose says that all suspended players should come clean.  Like YOU did initially?  I will bet on black.

81)   I don’t know if you read this anymore, but you were one of my best teachers who GOT me, Mr. Gramp.  You were the shit.  You harnessed that I was smart…which I was.  WAS.

82)   The Dodgers nearly fired Don Mattingly.  Hold on, Don Cheadle is in a commercial.  Boom goes the dynamite.  We feel real again now that they have finally lost a road game.  People, winning on the road in baseball is SO much easier.  Football and basketball are the sports you need home advantage for.

83)   Former Luke Pettigout struck his wife this week.  How you can ever hit a woman is so beyond me…

84)   You deserve anything that happens to you.  Sorry, Vince.

85)   Colts WR Reggie Wayne sees a little Peyton Manning in Andrew Luck.  Is that bitter, does he not realize that we know Luck is a classic pocket passer, or is there something more to this??  This is a rant.  I had NO idea I was going that route when starting to type that.  I just do what I do.

86)   Furyk just made a birdie to take the lead.  JJ, I KNOW you love these “live” updates during a rant you will read five days from now.  And I know you love golf.

87)   Why am I not golfing today?  I really need to be more of a planner and/or get more friends.  I am seriously Paul Rudd from I Love You Man.  When I marry Lindsey, there are a lot of people wondering who will make my wedding party…since I don’t talk to anyone.  Scott, you are the gimme of course.

88)   Bills OC says he will use CJ Spiller until he throws up.  The real question is how great of fans you have , and how THEY will not throw up watching you lose.

89)   The NFL says you will only receive a penalty if you spin the football AT the opponent.  OK.  Got it.  It is SO much a shame that Chad Johnson is not on a team OR Metta World Peace chose basketball.

90)   MLB got their suspensions together through FB and texts.  Think about that the next time you do a drive by.

91)   A drive by is “stopping by a bar to do a shot and drink, pay cash, and leave.”

92)   Cam Newton is talking with Johnny Manziel.  No one is sure whether that is about HOW to cheat in or before college.

93)   That is funny because we are pretty sure Cam got money for going to Auburn.

94)   A shout out to my colleague, Jay.  He is the best PM at my job for customer experience, and is working evidently, since he just emailed me.  You are the bomb, Jay.  Stop working.

95)   The Miami whistleblower feels bullied by MLB.  Hey.  I am just going to randomly look up “whistleblower.”  Bullied is part of the deal.

96)   Greg Jennings says he was brainwashed by the Packers.  I didn’t read the article.  Does this brainwashing include talking smack about MVP Aaron Rodgers?  I won’t put you in the sacred category of Metta World Peace idiots, but you are now on the next level.  Oh, and apparently the Pack just had a team meeting watching Fight Club.

97)   That is funny because players threw punches in practice.

98)   If Jason Dufner wins the PGA Championship, I will truly question everything in life.

99)   Mo Williams signed with the Blazers this week.  See, Allen Iverson, you CAN accept a role position, as there is NO way that he is being a starter over Damian Lillard.

100)                       The Phillies are about to resign Chase Utley.  Chase is my second favorite baseball player outside of Bryce Harper.  My focus, though, is that the Phillies are becoming the early 2000’s version of the Skins.

101)                       The joke is there.  You have to LOOK for it.

102)                       That is IT.  100 hooks.  Congrats if you made it to the end.  I will tell you what.  I will make a RANT t-shirt for you if you email me.  Include size.  Expect a HORRIBLE t-shirt.  Hope you enjoyed.  Will I blog tomorrow?  That is a CLOWN question, bro.  Peace.

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