Read it, don’t read it, I don’t care…just needed to get some things off my chest.
In no particular order of chronology or importance…
No time limit this time, but bedtime is near. School night as I call it. So, I will do a speed version tonight and finish my infinite amount of thoughts tomorrow night. Lindsey and I had to have quality time before she goes to the dismal place that is Las Vegas.
Let’s turn and burn.
1) One of my favorite events starts tomorrow. I don’t care about time difference. I don’t care about people who say it is “just golf.” The British Open is a test in Major form anyway, but the fact that it is played in various locations that were the birthplace of golf makes it that much more special. Plus, it is links style, making it that more raw and fun. Tiger is not all the way back, sure. But, if there is a course that allows for a little waywardness and requires a lot of creativity out of bunkers and tall grass. The birthplace of golf looks like a poorly taken care of field to the naked eye, but purists know it is the not pretty truth in golf. Good luck to all of you punks not named Tiger.
1a) Another plus, some over the hill player always makes a run in this tournament. Calling all Davis Loves, David Duvals, Tom Kites, Fred Couples (my bad-the Masters is YOUR thing), and Tom Watsons.
2) Fresh off the 2012 USA basketball team saying they could beat the Dream Team, they beat Brazil by 11. Yeah. Right.
2a) We have learned already this is firmly LeBron’s team.
3) The Dallas Mavericks picked up OJ Mayo, the former #3 pick in the NBA draft and cheating recruit from USC. You might say that it is a good pick up and I wouldn’t disagree. That being said, I think they realized they need to replace an idiot like DeShawn Stevenson. Someone give OJ a forty and an apartment complex and call it a day.
4) HUGE announcement. Dez Bryant, you are OFFICIALLY on the Rant Squad. I like your creativity, and therefore your merits are accepted. We have jewelry theft, sagging pants in a mall, a typical nightclub fight, and now? Beating up your mom. You are in, bro. As always is the procedure, Marcus Vick will pick you up from the airport and Sebastian Janikowski will give the first interview and the mandatory Wonderlic test (anything above a 20 disqualifies you from my squad).
5) Thanks, Mr. President. He declared the Dream Team would ALSO beat the 2012 squad. We are now splitting the atom without a good health care plan. Actually, let me say THIS. If anyone actually tells me that the 2012 squad would actually win, I will drive you to detox…personally.
6) TOLD you. I said that NC State (sorry, Vince) would be a popular #1 pick for the ACC this year. Their recruiting class was sick for everyone who doesn’t make a daily trip to rivals.com everyday (that is NOT normal?). Jay Bilas just picked them to win it. Boom.
7) If I DO stay up tonight, I am going to put in Groundhog Day, because it is in the news that Jeremy Lin did not sign with the Knicks and Dwight Howard might go to the Lakers. As Jennifer Lopez would say, enough.
8) GREAT pickup that was a BLURB surprisingly. The Clippers picking up Grant Hill was genius. You put a guy who does workouts like Jerry Rice in THAT locker room? And you have the Lakers chasing Dwight Howard, which they ARE per my last hook.
9) The grass is green, the sky is blue, and the Skins have signed RGIII. I personally wasn’t worried about this. If you are going to trade away shit AND pick someone too high, you might as well pay the guy, or as KGB would say, “Pay him. Pay that man his money (DAMN-just DID a Rounders theme).”
10) Weird. Way to go Rounders. You got the WSOP SO popular that no famous names can even MAKE the final table.
11) Thanks, Hope Solo, for telling us you need some action. She declared to the media that people are having sex everywhere at the Olympic Village. She is basically wanting to meet someone for a cheeseburger at that huge McDonalds they have there. I wish I would have worked a little harder and actually been in the Olympic Village so I could make a more pointed joke. Damn. Anyway, someone go buy Hope a drink.
12) Moe’s, the breakfast place down the street, sells their “bacon horseradish” cream cheese in bulk. I will not lie to you. I sometimes just eat the shit straight up without a bagel. My finger works great.
13) Mike D’Antoni has said he is “surprised” by Lin leaving NYC. Translation: “I need a job. Put me on the wire.”
14) Sometimes I hate Kobe, and sometimes he surprises me and I like him (I will ALWAYS respect his skills). He said David Stern’s idea about an Olympic age limit was “stupid.” I like it. Stern, we were invested once we brought in the big guns. Let’s just keep kicking everyone’s ass and call it a day.
15) Jealous of Dez Bryant beating up his mom, Seattle’s Marshawn Lynch got a DUI. You are not officially qualified yet, Marshawn, but I WILL tell you this. I just made the phone call to send Rant Squad scouts to the pacific northwest.
16) Are you kidding me? After a failed attempt at getting the Nets Howard, Cleveland’s Dan Gilbert might help the LAKERS get Howard??? Dude, let it go. I know you are mad at LeBron, but are you just putting “building super teams” as your hobby on Facebook? Friend me. Let’s talk.
17) The Blazers and Wolves are STILL arguing over that guy Batum had to look up on Google? I am not being cocky about my knowledge. I am just saying that ONE of them might be mad at drafting a 40 year old in the draft.
18) I used to work with a great guy named Kyle. His mom visited our bar and brought us shot glasses that lit up and made noise. It was cute. Well, I just washed one of those shot glasses after 3 years. I put it in the drying tray. I won’t move anything from my dish tray now, because it has been making noise and lighting up for the last two days straight. Makes me think of my now family oriented good friend.
19) Insert Seinfeld joke _______. Jason Kidd got his DUI on the way to the Hamptons? Awesome. Should I go with lobsters, shrinkage, or breath-taking? Nevermind.
20) I am SO intrigued that this racing guy Allmendinger B sample drug test thing is STILL going on. Sorry to accidentally use a pun, but this is like a car wreck-I can’t look away.
21) I lied. I didn’t send ALL my scouts to Seattle to watch Marshawn Lynch. I kept a few here to watch Elvis Dumervil (flashing a gun?), who recently got arrested in Miami. My scouts have been bored, so they are just happy for the recent action.
22) Am I the ONLY one who thought that Ben Sheets would make it back?? The Braves like what they have seen so far. Hey, all you teams lacking arms. WTF.
23) No one will care with Hill and Nash leaving, and once again the poor dude gets on a team in rebuilding mode, but nice pickup by the Suns getting Rockets cast-off Luis Scola. If you have not seen him play, you are missing out.
24) Kobe Bryant has intimated to the media that retirement might be earlier than we expect. Fantastic. Either that, or him and Brett Favre are now text buddies.
25) Article I have NO idea on why it was LAST on the wire. “Chief of Libyan Olympic Committee is kidnapped.” That sounds like news to me, but oh well. By the way, if you want to read an author that writes pretty similar to me (but professional of course), AND if you like my Libyan hook, read Nelson Demille’s The Lion’s Game. He writes action packed novels that are exciting, sarcastic, written in a character as sarcastic as me, and that have a “twist” at the end of each one that is intelligent and not too crazy. Good stuff. The book I mentioned has the son of Muammar come back to kill the 12 pilots who bombed his hood.
26) Lindsey and I have officially, as of tonight, watched ALL episodes of Men At Work, the new series on TBS. It is SO good, and you are missing out if you have not seen it. This is coming from the Seinfeld snob.
27) Who the HELL is the 4th guy on The Watch? Ringer, ringer, ringer, Google.
28) Ray Rice AND Matt Forte both got paid. Good to see teams recognize allegiance and not totally discount an RB for relative age, and I am glad I don’t bet anymore. I would have bet against BOTH of them getting paid.
29) Once again, and I KNOW I keep talking about it, but I DO read Rivals a LOT. USC just snagged another top recruit for 2013…from the backyard of Tennessee.
30) I went to the Rockies game last night. First of all, congrats to all you Rockies fans who “beat the parking” in the 7th inning, and whoever John is in section 323 (nosebleed), take a chill pill. We were still 4 levels up, and were simply taking advantage of all the early leaving people.
31) That is it. Bed time. Will I blog tomorrow? My chick is in Vegas, my best friend arrives Friday from Santa Barbara, so that is a CLOWN question. Peace.
31a) Plus, I need to get my voice some rest, as somehow I agreed to sing Eye of the Tiger and Get Off Of My Cloud tomorrow at my company party in front of 250 people.
31b) If you didn’t think there was synergy between me and Seinfeld, check out this. My colleague has a kidney stone. I wanted to go home and watch “The Gymnast” episode. What was on when I got home? The Gymnast.