Guest blogger who doesn’t know he is a guest blogger. I need another day (3 hour airplane rant tomorrow and my legal pad list is on the second page), and this is Ben’s comedy script.
Had drinks with a colleague who had dreamed about being standup…who sent it to me…which means it is “bloggable.” We both agree Delirious is either #1 or #2 in stand up all time. Richard Pryor and some guy Ben likes are in the conversation.
Standup Act
How’s everyone doing tonight? (Pause) Glad to hear it… You know, lately I have been feeling great! I finally got back into the gym on a semi- regular basis for the first time since high school… (Pause) Not because I wanted to bulk up or anything, but because when you’re built like me, you basically have two choices. You can work out and try and stay in, somewhat, good shape; or expand until you eventually explode… (Point out big guy in audience) This guy knows what I’m talking about… What sucks about that is, I always wanted to be one of those skinny guys. You know the guys that never worked out a day in their lives, but still have the “washboard abs”… Washboard abs, who the hell came up with that saying anyway? (Pause) Man, I really need to do some laundry. (Pause) Hey man, I got you right here. (Lift up shirt) Launder away… No, but it does feel good. I can see my dick again when I’m in the shower. (Pause) Who knew losing weight could cause depression… Anyway, I’m originally from Ohio… Any Ohio people here. (Pause) You know what’s funny about that, there’s always people from Ohio everywhere you go. And the reason for that is everyone is looking to get the hell out of Ohio. If you’re not from Ohio, trust me, you’re not missing anything… (Pause) That is unless you like those 10 month winters and constant grey skies… (Pause) I’m serious, people from Ohio actually vacation to Seattle to get away from the shitty weather… I shouldn’t say everything about Ohio sucks… There are a couple cool things, like the Football Hall of Fame, The Ohio State Buckeyes O-H, and of course, Cedar Point… Anyone here been to Cedar Point? Every time I go there, they’ve made a bigger, faster, and more exciting roller coaster. And you only have to wait in lines for 3 days to ride them. It’s fantastic…
No, but I used to live in Denver. I lived there about 4 years. While I was there, I learned two important things about Denver. First, it’s a great place to live – Amazing weather (for the most part), lots of outdoor activities, and one of the best nightlife cities I’ve been privy to. Second thing I learned, it sucks living in Denver if you don’t like outdoors and you’re too broke to go out… Ever… But there is still the sunshine, so I guess 1 out of 3 aint bad… (Pause) I did recently get a new job, so I’m trying to fix the always being broke thing. I hate going through the interview process though. I’m what you would call a “Resume Smudger.” Out of my entire resume, there’s about 25% truth to it. And that includes my name and address… (Pause) Anyone ever been involved in the resume smudge? I will seriously call up a friend and say something like this… Yeah, Bill it’s Ben. Ben Lawrence. We were friends back in college… The guy with all the weed. Yeah, anyway, I need to use you on my resume. Trying to get a new job, so if anyone calls and asks, I worked for you at ABC company, and was promoted 12 times… Yeah, 12. By the way, I was also captain of the football and track team, and DID actually graduate. (Pause) Gotta make sure you cover all your bases when running the resume smudge. Now I will do this with like three different friends, so it looked like I had more than one job. Common theme, I was promoted everywhere I worked. Sounds crazy, but you would not believe how often this works. (Take a drink of water) So, anyone out here live with a roommate? (Pause) I do too… First roommate I’ve had for more than a year that I actually get along with… The great thing about two guys living together is the collective combination of porn saved up through the years. The guys know what I’m talking about… But, we’re not the kind of guys that knowingly exchange porn we need to do our business. No, that would be too easy, and make too much sense. Instead, it’s this kind of delta force mission to sneak around when the other isn’t home to borrow their porn. Now with the new technology, DVDs are great, but before that, we had the VHS tapes. The thing about that was there was always a challenge to do your business and rewind back to exactly the same point that the other guy had finished watching it. Believe me, when it’s just the two of you, you will always remember what scene you blew your load to the night before… Again, the guys know what I’m talking about… (Pause) Another great thing about having a roommate is the split driving duties when we do go out… Nice to have every other night off to get so drunk you puke in the car on the way home… (Pause) Trust me, I know what I’m talking about… But you know what really pisses me off… (Pause) It’s these seatbelt laws they have gotten crazy about over the last few years… I mean I understand the importance of safety and all, but to me, seatbelts are like saying to the person you’re driving with; I really don’t trust you… In fact, you are such a bad of driver, that I think I’m going to strap myself in and wait for the moment that you run this car into something… I mean where’s the trust? (Pause)