Read it, don’t read it, I don’t care…just needed to get some things off my chest.
In no particular order of chronology or importance…
NOT on the clock, plenty of time, old format, and I have to clear the HUGE list I have. I dare you to try and make it to the end, and I will make sure to put some good hooks at the end to tease you…
I have five sheets of paper in front of me. This will be all over the board. I have basketball on the tube, Lindsey napping, and nowhere to go.
Let’s turn and burn.
1) Here we go. Just like an Easy Cheese container in Lindsey’s cabinet, or the prediction of Bucks Brandon Jennings saying the Bucks would win in 6 games, the 109 hooks record doesn’t stand a chance.
2) I can’t believe that top pick OU guy Lane Johnson was a high school QB. Tell your friends.
3) The Colorado Avalanche fired Joe Sacco today. In a related story, the Bobcats got rid of their coach. Both scenarios had NO talent.
4) That soccer player who bit someone was penalized 10 “matches.” Mike Tyson concurs. I expect a lot of suddenly scheduled “friendlies” on their schedule.
5) I am in heaven because Hubie Brown is announcing this Bucks-Heat game. Yay.
6) The Celtics pulled off game 4. I am not saying they will come back, but since it hasn’t happened, how can we say that it WON’T? They are an experienced/ old squad who could do it, the Knicks rely on outside shooting, and no one thought the Red Sox would do it to the Yankees in 2004 either, right? By the way, “JR Smith suspended” is as normal a saying as “the grass is green.”
7) For you Denver people, check out The Cantina. It is a block from my place, the GM, Russ, is cool as shit, and it has the outdoor element and cheap prices we all seek.
8) For the second week in a row, I was less than a block from a shooting. I am nervous about things “happening in three’s,” and have never been downtown where I have police tape blocking me from going anywhere.
9) Since Burger King now has the Chipotle Chicken Sandwich, does that mean I need to stop by? I gravitate towards the word “chipotle.”
10) I hear that Hannibal on the tube is good. I might have to check it out. Nothing beats shows about serial killers.
11) Jon Jones destroyed Sonnen in the first round. It was worth the trip downtown to watch. Not only did Jones come out a little more aggressive considering the a-hole gave him bulletin board material, but that fat guy Roy Nelson beating that physical specimen he was fighting was PRICELESS. It was like a drunk mountain guy just destroying some dude who looked badass. Classic.
12) I don’t know why I like the song “Suit and Tie” by JT, but I do.
13) How many shows does that angry chef guy have? I haven’t seen ONE, but I am thinking he has at least 5 at this point.
14) I can win bets with eating a cheese plate at a buffet, but I don’t like cheesecake. Weird.
15) Lance Armstrong is back in the news for being “unjustly enriched.” Dude. That is the best pub you have had in MONTHS. You might have one ball, but you can use that as your hit on line. Golden.
16) OKC won without Westbrook, who is done. Once again, it is not about THIS series. It is about future series. The Griz and Clippers are excited, the Spurs are salivating, and the Nuggets JUST remembered they have to win the Warriors series before acknowledging THEIR benefits. Can Durant score 41 every night for the rest of the way? I HOPE so, but I think not.
17) So Bama’s Milliner went top ten AFTER they found out he had FIVE surgeries in college. THAT is how weak the secondary draft class was.
18) Tiger Woods skipped Quail Hollow, which he usually plays. Security didn’t find anything of note at local Perkins restaurants.
19) You have all seen it. I was waiting for today to blog about it. So, since it is out there, I have nothing to add. Here is the infamous sorority letter, the actual chick who wrote it, AND Michael Shannon reading it. If you haven’t seen it, the COMMENTS are the best part. Christopher Walken. Hilarious. http://gawker.com/5994974/the-most-deranged-sorority-girl-email-you-will-ever-read
20) That was the letter. Here is the actual chick. http://www.thefrisky.com/2013-04-19/meet-rebecca-martinson-the-rabid-sorority-sister-from-delta-gamma/
21) And here is Shannon. http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/4ad20b4edf/michael-shannon-reads-the-insane-sorority-letter
22) Clearing the list today. Debating on going to the beautiful continent of Africa? This should swing you. http://www.buzzfeed.com/summeranne/xx-gorgeous-photos-that-will-make-you-want-to-visit-africa-t
23) Evidently, this is adorable. Lindsey contribution. http://www.buzzfeed.com/amdhit/25-animals-who-cant-stop-smiling-3mws
24) Some people text while they drive. Then, there are people who up the ante. http://www.hlntv.com/article/2013/04/09/mugshot-man-drives-knees-double-text?hpt=ju_r1
25) If you like skiing and love, http://www.grindtv.com/action-sports/snow/post/30-freestyle-skiers-do-backflip-while-holding-hands-claim-world-record/
26) Back to sports. Like I said, just clearing the list. The Atlanta Hawks PUMMELLED the Pacers last night. Listen, in a 7 game series, the other team is going to have their night. That was their one and ONLY night.
27) Derrick Rose is officially at 90%. The question remains that if the Bulls win their series AND have rest time is whether he stays on the bench. It would be dumb for an overall decision, BUT it would be SO cool if he came back for the Heat series. You read it here that the Bulls can beat them with Rose (barring new chemistry issues of course).
28) I think I would take nails on a chalkboard over Journey’s Don’t Stop Believing ANY day.
29) I LOVE the commercial where Blake Griffin goes back to the mid 2000’s and tells the kid lifting in the garage “no. I know.”
30) An OKC ball boy is under investigation for tweeting death threats to a Houston player. Dude. I LIVE my life by sports, and stop my life on Sundays for a Steelers game, but can we draw a line in the sand? It is a GAME.
31) Congrats to RGIII for doing “jumping jacks” in front of fans. The read option is cool and will run its course, but ANY play in that system could be your last. Go have a drink this summer on a patio with Colin Kaepernick.
32) Every time I get sad about decisions I have made, I think of Matt Barkley and know that my losses were about $2 million less.
33) Thanks, Joey Votto. You are now my second favorite player, since you complimented my boy, Bryce Harper.
34) Tyrann Mathieu went in the third round, when he arguably could be the best athlete in the entire draft. GREAT article in ESPn Mag about his struggles. http://espn.go.com/espn/feature/story/_/page/Tyrann-Mathieu/hi-my-name-tyrann
35) I have no life. After this blog, I am going to go look at all of the UNDRAFTED players who could make an impact. You might think I am crazy. I would tell you that James Harrison literally won a Super Bowl for the Steelers on his own and didn’t get a SNIFF at being drafted.
36) Raise your glass to Gamecocks’ TE Justice Cunningham, who was this year’s Mr. Irrelevant. You got on the board, AND have a nickname.
37) If someone is watching the stories on the Browns owner and his misleading truck stops, please email me a synopsis. I care about that about as much as I care about finding out what a “2 lap OT sprint” in NASCAR is.
38) Congrats to the Braves Upton brothers. They hit back to back HR’s this week, making them the first since 1938 to do so.
39) Matt Kenseth got deducted 50 points for something. I suggest you read another blog to find out the full breakdown on this issue. I could go into a fight between Danica and David Gilliland, but I might as well use spray on tanning lotion, purchase a huge truck, and buy a cat while I am at it.
40) The Barry Bonds 756 HR plaque has been stolen from AT&T Park. The reason they noticed it was because some guy posted a “roommate needed” post it in its place. No one cares is the basic idea of this hook. I couldn’t find the wooden armed pirate from Family Guy scene that relates to this…but it is very funny.
41) My next big purchase will be a TRX. My arms are still wobbly from working out yesterday…boxing, jumping rope, and using the TRX.
42) Auburn said goodbye to the Toomer Oaks this week. Those trees really must have a connection to the school. As they have been poisoned and died, so have the memories of the championship season tainted by the drugs/ robberies caused by Spice.
43) JerMichael Finley. I need more, bro. Rolando McClain has 4 arrests on record. Your announcement that you are a deadbeat and adulterer is an empty threat for my Rant Squad unless you go to a strip club and shoot someone in the knee or something. Your resume is weak.
44) I am not sure why this makes me happy, but it does. http://www.cnn.com/2013/04/21/showbiz/reese-witherspoon-arrested/index.html
45) I just saw a commercial for The Internship. It looks funny, and they are a good team, but I think Wedding Crashers was an alignment of the stars, moon, and more crap. They will turn into the dual version of Jim Carrey. Hilarious scenes combined with no plot and plenty of bathroom breaks.
46) Geez. Someone at a bar probably called him a one CD wonder, and he goes nuts. http://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/2013/04/24/3-doors-down-bassist-enters-rehab-after-being-arrested-for-allegedly-driving/
47) Is it true that the Boston bomber stayed on campus to party for a few days before getting caught? That is nuts. Scary thing is that before they ran out of gas, they were heading to Times Square with more explosives.
48) Not saying they will win, but I am impressed the fight the Bucks are giving the Heat right now.
49) Class act stuck in a raw deal. Scott Fujita signs with the Saints for a one day contract and then retires. Wrong place, wrong time, bro.
50) I sent my blog link to tweet addict Kobe Bryant. He is too busy NOT tweeting during games to answer me at this point.
51) They might not win every year or make the playoffs, but it is SO relaxing to be a Steelers fan during draft time. They don’t move a lot, they draft smart, and they address team needs. The Rams outdid them this year, but I LOVE Jones, Bell, and Wheaton. In addition to this, I got the ULTIMATE bonus. Lindsey is DIEHARD Oklahoma football. Landry Jones was in the draft. Who got him? Boom goes the dynamite. The Steelers. Remove any logic about off field motorcycling and college bars, and Big Ben is a great resource to sit behind for a few years to learn the pro game. Plus, can you IMAGINE my Sundays in five years if this pans out? “Honey, can you help me in the kitchen?” “Babe, I am watching Landry Jones on a 3rd down. I will come in there after their possession.”
52) This is the picture I MEANT to post yesterday as far as me playing Frisbee with Lindsey in the park right down the street.
53) I like how Brittney Griner discusses being gay like we assumed that. Reminds me of the Seinfeld Amazon clip. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OiQHflnDN2U
54) I like how the Lakers announced they will keep D’Antoni BEFORE the playoff series. Kobe getting hurt was the best thing that could have happened to him. 120-89???????????????
55) Will someone let me know what happens with Brandon Albert and why we care so much?
56) Doug Collins will stay with the Sixers, but will step down as coach. Good move. You can still go to Geno’s or Jim’s to get cheesesteaks, but have no liability. You are basically the east coast, basketball version of Bill Walsh back in the day. Consultant…
57) Notre Dame and NBC re-upped. Do you think you will EVER live a life where Notre Dame is not televised? No.
58) The NBA will input stricter policies on flopping. Reggie Evans now has job insecurity.
59) I hear that two Rutgers and Clemson WR’s trashed their combine room. That is what happens when you find out that your basketball coach mugs people and that Austin is only 5’8” and is the only good WR in the draft.
60) PLEASE watch the new show Men at Work. It is amazing.
61) Mante Te’o goes to the Chargers. I have a HORRIBLE joke that is funny as hell about linebackers, Seau, Te’o, and…never mind. This is a public site, and you would chuckle and then wonder if you were going to heaven or not.
62) With the New Orleans Hornets now called the Pelicans, I suddenly feel like watching a John Grisham movie.
63) Mark Sanchez heard that Geno Smith was drafted and threw his remote control at the TV. He missed the TV by 7 feet.
64) I think that the Kardashain/ Humphires divorce processing is having effects on the Bulls/ Nets series.
65) I am just joking about that last hook.
66) The new PSY song sounds EXACTLY like Gangham Style. I don’t know what I am more pissed about. The fact that it sounds exactly the same, or the fact that it is getting airplay.
67) The Raptors are talking with Phil Jackson. This HAS to be a joke, or Phil still thinks that Chris Bosh plays for them. Phil is the MASTER at meshing superstars who need to get over the hump. Correct me if I am wrong, but the Raptors have NO superstars.
68) So…the Tigers already have the best pitcher in baseball. And now, Anibal Sanchez strikes out 17 batters in a game??? THAT scout HAS job security.
69) Stop messing with Magic’s son. It is acceptable, Magic already proved us wrong with struggles, and the fact that it is getting ANY negative pub is bad.
70) If you wonder about how people in Denver think of weather, here is a clear explanation.
By the way, the old British version is the second funniest show ever aside from Seinfeld or Cheers…
71) I haven’t heard any updates on whether the Sacramento Kings are going to Seattle or not…and I am losing LOTS of sleep over it.
72) Holly Holm, the #1 female boxer in the world, will shift her focus to MMA/ getting her ass kicked by Ronda Rousey.
73) If the Atlanta Braves had this hitting while they had the 90’s pitching staff WITHOUT the roids, we could be talking about a Braves team that won about 5 World Series.
74) Carl Crawford was ordered to remove his Jackie Robinson cleats. We don’t care. We all just want him to give back some money from the ridiculous amount of money he has made over the last 6 years for being PAR.
75) Did anyone else think that Clay Matthews was NOT going to sign with the Packers? Then, they signed Rodgers to the richest deal EVER. Then, they draft Eddie Lacy. I am still bitter about my Steelers losing to them in the Super Bowl, but at least I know they aren’t going ANYWHERE and the Steelers will probably have a chance to get them back.
76) They are working on SIX outdoor games for the NHL in 2014. Nice. I wish everyone dressed like Don Cherry, I wish the Flyers have a stud goalie, I wish that EVERY game was played outside, but I am glad it is not as I would have to gut my schedule for all NHL games too, making my life VERY busy.
77) I think I have a work lunch and learn this week. Come on. PIZZA. Please.
78) A HS baseball game was called after 3 innings and one team being down 65-0. I am not as experienced in baseball as I am basketball, but I don’t know how this happens. Seriously. SIXTY FIVE-ZERO????????
79) I don’t care about NASCAR, but I AM intrigued that two guys from Childress racing got ARRESTED for assault for fighting ON the track. That is as funny as Reese Witherspoon getting a DUI…or at least close.
80) I have lied to you all. I still have not ordered the Django sunglasses…but I plan on doing it as SOON as I am done this rant and checking out those undrafted players. Can’t wait.
81) I believe I told you the Clips-Griz would LITERALLY go 2-2-1-1-1. I am right so far. Just saying.
82) How the Pats got LeGarrette Blount from the Bucs is beyond me. Yet another subpar RB who can get a ring or two, try to break random Kevin Faulk records, and chill with Tom Brady. Nice.
83) LSU’s RB Jeremy Hill was arrested again for hitting someone on the side of the head. What a quality bunch they have in Baton Rouge. One guy hates gays, and the other guy is violent.
84) It is the NFL, and everyone needs RB’s. Guess so, because Seattle drafted Tharold Hill TWO days after he was arrested. Nice guys, once again, in Baton Rouge.
85) Tell your friends. The Celtics are 3-31 when being down 10 or more in a game. Thanks, Bill Simmons/ the MAN.
86) Arizona football is trying to get good again. WR Austin Hill tearing his ACL in a spring game is not a good start.
87) I frequently toe the line, but does anyone else find this somewhat, in some way, darkly funny? NRA? Alcohol? http://www.latimes.com/sports/sportsnow/la-sp-sn-nascar-fan-suicide-20130415,0,6193830.story
88) Dibs to the London Marathon for going off without hitch.
89) Leave it to the Gwynn gene to eliminate fan heckling. Thanks to my brother, Matt, for contributing. https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10151609613672323
90) I am not saying that the Reds losing Johnny Cueto eliminates the team from contention, but it sure as hell doesn’t HELP.
91) I am not hip, and unknowing about technology, but is that the Airplane chick in the recent Old Navy commercial? Did they photoshop? What gives?
92) I am older than Lindsey, which must explain why she didn’t even SMIRK during this Family Guy scene. Predator. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ZDss3iRz_k
93) Lindsey also didn’t realize how special I felt when she let me keep a Pez Dispenser this weekend. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZLnl8pQ4_HU
94) PLEASE watch Rules of Engagement. It is SO funny.
95) I bet you the co-workers at State Farm have a FIELD day with the guy, Jake, who sits next to someone at some location.
96) The Marlins are already all jacked up every year the one after they win a World Series. You are telling me the owner is allowed to flip flop the lineup too?
97) The Phils catcher Carlos Ruiz came back this week. Class act. PED’s. 25 games. Let’s try to suck moving forward WITHIN the rules, ok?
98) I am a 213 guy. Truly. Warren G, Dre, Nate Dogg, Snoop. When the HELL did Snoop change his name to Snoop “Lion????????”
99) LeBron James is upset he got second to Marc Gasol in DPOY voting. I would be too. The voters are partial to big men. It sucks. You know he is feeling good about his chances this year when he is bitching about THIS though.
100) I hear that Sidney Crosby has been cleared to practice. That is great. We are kind of getting behind the 8-ball of breaking The Great One’s records if he misses much more time.
101) I LOVE the new Dos Equiis commercial. “If opportunity knocks and he is not home, opportunity waits.”
102) I watched an interview with Marcus Lattimore the other day. I seriously believe he will come back strong and be a great NFL back. I also think that it is PERFECT that he will learn from fellow injury come backer, stellar RB, and Niner Frank Gore. GREAT pick.
103) I just came out that the ’78 and ’34 World Cup Final might have been rigged by world leaders. 1934??????????? We just came up with that NOW?
104) Crazy that the Nuggets have a must win tonight and that the ONLY scorer on the Warriors has a busted wheel.
105) Flip Saunders is noncommittal about coming back with the Timberwolves. Dude. Do it. I forgot you were out of work, had no idea of where you were, and a healthy Kevin Love will solve a LOT of your problems.
106) The University of Georgia got the #2 RB the other day. It doesn’t matter who is coaching them, it doesn’t matter what the results are, they will ALWAYS get recruits. Football HOTBED.
107) List is cleared. I am going to come up short by two, but I am sure you AND I don’t care…Basketball break is over. Lindsey is going to wake up, and I have stuff to do. Happy Sunday, hope you enjoyed, and will I blog tomorrow? That is a CLOWN question (.360, 9, 18, .444), bro. Peace.