Read it, don’t read it, I don’t care…just needed to get some things off my chest.
In no particular order of chronology or importance…
On the clock. Evening rant. Speed version as there is just too much on the paper and not enough hours in the day. Let’s turn and burn.
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1) Greetings and salutations, people. Thanks for joining me. This was supposed to be my fun “blog” evening, as Lindsey is out with the girls on her flex schedule mini Friday. But, I have worked since 545am with a ten minute lunch, an hour for a workout, and just finished another two hours of work…so I am pretty much tired of this laptop. It is 8pm. My eyes are closed at 10pm every night. I need one hour for stuff. Therefore, no matter HOW much I have on this list next to me, know A) this will be speedy B) I will skip stuff C) I will be doing more of my format of one hook every other day with sprinkled multi topic “rants.”
2) If you are looking on my view of the Becky Hammon hire, read yesterday’s blog. Love the hire.
3) Ryan Howard said that we have forgotten what he has done after bringing home the winning run last night. Let me see. We are about one World Series short, you are hitting .217, the Phillies still owe you $60 million over the next three years, and you are talking about what you have DONE for us? Not much actually.
4) Tiger will play the PGA. Mr. Huh, the alternate, is sad (that is true). Sadder if Tiger limps off at the end of the first day. His practice round was solid though evidently today. Still, it seems since like 1997 when I would say that a top 20 would be a great PGA for him. Should have just waited a year like Mr. Royal said a million years ago.
5) I will still root for El Tigre, although my random PGA $5 work lottery pick says I am a Rory McIlroy fan and Hideto Tanihari fan. One out of two ain’t bad.
6) We could call Mike Miller, James Jones, and possibly Ray Allen bandwagon jumpers. I call them SMART.
7) How do you maximize LeBron’s amazing game? Spot up shooters. Boom goes the dynamite.
8) Hello, Debbie (Lindsey’s mom and regular reader). Shout out.
9) Eagles Cary Williams is mouthing off about the Pats being cheaters because he made a statement how they haven’t won anything since they were busted. Yes, you are the ONLY one who has said that. In his spare time, he is reading about splitting the atom and figuring out WHY the grass is green.
10) I might need a new closing line, people. Bryce Harper. Clowns. Brilliant. Bryce Harper. .250, 3 HR’s, 14 RBI’s in 52 games. Not brilliant.
11) I am even so motivated to make this rant quick that on a night Lindsey isn’t here, I am facing AWAY from the TV at the bar (at HOME) writing this. I am listening to the Red Sox-Cardinals game. Listening to baseball announcers relaxes me.
12) If YOU opened the article “Chad Johnson hopeful for an NFL return,” can you email me what it said? You have to be kidding me. Chad, just go into comedy. Be friends with Kevin Hart.
13) Anonymous survey, but a couple Browns players aren’t impressed by Johnny Football in practice thus far. DAMMIT. I fell for the daily Manziel update AGAIN. While we are at it, Hoyer will take first team preseason starting status. DAMMIT. I am SO gullible.
14) If you watch any of the preseason football games, can you let me know how the glorified practices turn out?
15) If you BET on any of the preseason football games, can you call me so we can get you help?
16) If you ATTEND any of the preseason games, can you admit to me if you paid more than $40?
17) If you TALK about any of the preseason games at the water cooler, you will most likely be trumped by someone who knows more about sports who only read the summary article. We love you people.
18) Basically, I love football, but just consider preseason football practice with cameras. Alright. Moving on. I have hit a bottleneck.
19) Toms River NJ Little League team was on ESPN tonight. Are they good AGAIN? That is near my hood, and not sure how a freaking little league coach forms a dynasty. At some point, doesn’t he have to be promoted to high school or college? Does he love kids that much? Will he miss PTA meetings if he got promoted?
20) When I go to sleep before 10pm, the lights stay on until Lindsey is done. When SHE decides to call it quits early, I don’t even get a freaking night light.
21) I say that I will “streamline” this blog, but if you saw my face right now as I write this thing, you would know how much I love covering freaking everything.
22) David Price’s debut was adequate for a push with impressive 10k’s and a late inning win, but who cares? They only have two other Cy Young winners coming up in the next few days. What’s that, Sanchez? Yeah, you don’t suck either. MONSTER rotation.
23) I wish I could talk about work and why I am working so damn much. I don’t talk about it though in this thing. Just know I just smiled. Good day.
24) They just had the Simon Says commercial with Mike Trout. First time I have seen it. HILARIOUS. I am glad SOME great minds are still making commercials.
25) Melo might switch to baseball…if two balls can get on the court like they did on the field in the Indians/ Reds game.
26) Oakland. Have your rally possum. Just get me Moneyball II. FOCUS.
27) The initial Bon Jovi group bid was rejected. Instead of offering another bid, Jon hit the studio to remake the same damn song for the adult contemporary charts and make some extra quick cash. And people will BUY the damn thing.
27a) I once drove through Sayreville, NJ for fun and because I loved the band Bon Jovi.
27b) Wait. I was from Jersey. You had to love Bon Jovi and Bruce in 1985. Geez.
28) Of course the Love deal is done. We know that. We know about the 30 days. We know it is like Fight Club and you can’t talk about it.
29) I have thought for a day about the story of female fans in Kazan being strip searched before a soccer match by male police officers, and I STILL can’t think of a hook/ joke. DAMMIT. In the words of Costanza, “I reached down…and there was nothing there.”
30) Pinch me. The Orioles have a FIVE game lead in the tough AL East? If I was a video, I would cue Cal Ripken, Jr. highlights. Not a fan of them…just surprised.
31) But I am NOT a video, so let’s move on.
32) I rescind my full hook on the Dalton deal. They have an out after two years. I didn’t know that initially. Not a bad deal. Give him a chance to win a playoff game. I like it on second thought. That is why I am at my home bar and other people are making large sports contracts. I really should have studied in between classes at UVA instead of laying on the lawn. DAMMIT.
33) My boss and I bought the rest of the PGA entries to complete the pot. So, go Rory, Kevin Stadler, Jason Day, Darren Clarke, Geoff Ogilvy, and like 3 other punks who don’t have a chance. He doesn’t get a cut of Rory.
34) I think PJ Tucker is having an internal contest with Johnny Football for media headlines and how high up. I hope Manziel wins, but he needs to drink and drive.
35) I don’t advocate that of course. I just wish Manziel would do SOMETHING substantive dumb. I sent Marcus Vick to Cleveland on my own dime if that is not resolve.
36) Man U topped Livepool in SOME league championship or something. Whoops. Sorry. Told you I would skip stuff. My bad.
37) FSU is chipping in on Jameis Winston’s insurance policy. That is adorable. What a weird week? I just bet $20 in Vegas that he would do something else dumb in 2014.
38) Speaking of soccer and Spain’s sudden collapse, I think we all expected Xavi to retire from his national team.
39) What? I still know my shit…even when I poke fun. Sure, I made a joke about soccer, but it was club. I am country, not club, and I dare you to sit with me and go through some non club soccer trivia. I could probably destroy most of you.
40) If the Cavs pull all of the players above AND Shawn Marion, it will be simply dirty in Cleveland. Sure, age would be a thing, but I believe we have been saying the Spurs have been old for like the last 6 years.
41) I was focusing on this blog, but love that some player just had his batting walkup song as The Backstreet Boys.
42) Thanks to Lindsey’s dad, who came and picked up our dryer to take to his dryer fixing guy. I wouldn’t know where to start, I would pay too much, and thanks as always for being there when something breaks. I promise that before we move anywhere down the road, I will learn to do something mechanical.
43) I haven’t gotten an update on Candy Crush/ Sugar Mash levels recently from my brother or Lindsey. Hello? Update? Are they still making levels especially for YOU, Matt?
44) You can read better updates on the Bosch surrender than this blog. I am all about people doing something stupid and not realizing it. Not people REALIZING it.
45) I picture Martellus Bennett before games this year in chains, and us waiting for him to be unleashed. Like a monster. Maybe I will pick him up on fantasy. He DID mention Allen Iverson and “practice.” Hmmm.
46) Wow, the Giants can’t catch a break. Wilson. Done. Hillis. Done. Without looking, let’s guess WHO is next on the depth chart? I can’t place it. Can YOU? Hold on. I will look. WOW. Not bad. Andre Williams from BC. Kid was a Heisman hopeful. Better than I expected. May the force be with you, Andre.
47) I will buy someone lunch and afternoon beers during football if they spend two hours with me showing me HOW I do plugins, more hashtags, and other blog terms I don’t understand on WordPress.
48) Something tells me the ex-coach from Charleston and the ex-coach from Rutgers are getting lap dances at a low ball strip club right now verbally abusing the dancer.
49) EASY, Wizards fans. Just because LeBron did something cute and came back home, and just because Kevin Durant just signed for $30 million with Under Armour, whose HQ is in MD, doesn’t mean you are up for the same adorable story.
50) I have hit 50 hooks. Rush mode. Still 20 minutes to finish up. Deadspin. Drinking. Funny. http://theconcourse.deadspin.com/this-is-the-best-excuse-for-failing-a-breathalyzer-test-1616620677
51) Deadspin. Rovell. Funny. http://deadspin.com/heres-darren-rovell-munching-on-kale-1616689519
52) Deadspin. Remember that we are in August, meaning WHY YOUR TEAM SUCKS series HAS started. Today? http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2014-houston-texans-1616882079
53) Deadspin. MOST AWESOME LINK OF THE WEEK FOR ME. Japanese sport. Kind of king of the hill-ish. I LIKE it. Watch the whole thing. http://deadspin.com/crazy-japanese-sport-is-equal-parts-awesome-and-dangero-1616021904
54) I don’t like Dan Snyder, but I still think Redskins is just the name of a football team. Let’s move on.
55) The November Man looks like Spy Game II. Probably not, but Spy Game is #2 on my undercover movies I am surprised people haven’t seen. #1 is The Score. #3 is The Edge.
56) Family Guy had a $25,000 Pyramid reference the other day. Damn. What a game. The final round was INTENSE and HARD. Why do I think I just got my blog theme?
57) Tell me you saw the totally random Rob Lowe Shark Week commercial. He is like the good looking version of Gary Busey…so random.
58) It is NEWS when Clayton Kershaw gets a no decision.
59) Love that Dick LeBeau want Manziel to start. So do I somewhat. Destroy him within the rules. DAMMIT. Sorry, these notes have like 4 Manziel updates.
60) Sucks about Paul George. Truly. Sucks more that Indiana kind of just gave up Danny Granger for nothing years ago. Kind of a hole at that position.
61) Duke got Chase Jeter, the #8 kid in the 2015 class. Nice pickup. I have seen film. Legit.
62) Speaking of Duke, if Mason Plumlee and Kyrie Irving both make the USA roster, I will puke.
63) Have we heard if LeBron and Andrew Wiggins have talked yet? Maybe at least to give him a Minnesota real estate connection or brochure minimally?
64) CNNSI. Seriously. I like looking at chicks and I like sports. I do NOT like looking at chicks at work with my updates right next to it. Your new format SUCKS. Please arrange a “no extra mustard or chicks” option on the splash screen.
65) I think the Jones/ Cormier fight was manufactured at the promotional event. I think we might be just looking for believable reasons Jon Jones MIGHT lose.
66) Favre. “Always a Packer.” Adorable. You played for MINNESOTA your last years. Geez. Those jeans commercials must be paying you enough to make you go out of your mind.
67) What? You DIDN’T see MJ hit 11 in a row at his camp in front of hundreds of kids? I got you. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZkppSX1lFH8
68) I hope that Richard Sherman starts disliking Peterson a little more and keeps disliking Crabtree. I just like to see Stanford guys angry.
69) I missed it. Did they sell out on tickets for the Josh Gordon-Roger Goodell meeting?
70) How many freaking QB’s did Miami recruit? Is my math wrong, or are they down to two? Two down I know, at least early on…
71) If you didn’t see the Verlander-Upton exchange at a game, I hope the bubble you live in has electricity, a good grocery store, and lots of fun clubs.
72) My foot is still swollen from that damn sea urchin. Negligible, but I still wouldn’t recommend getting stung by one. And , if you do, make sure you haven’t gone to the doctor for long enough on insurance that your HSA card just runs for over $1000.
73) One hour, five minutes. Not a bad effort. I leave you with this. Just like Michael Vick says that Geno Smith will be 10 times better this year, I promise that I probably won’t be ten times better next time, but I will still bring it. Thanks for reading. Tell your friends.
74) That is it. Hope you enjoyed or are at least more informed. Will I blog tomorrow? That is a CLOWN question, bro. Peace.