Read it, don’t read it, I don’t care…just needed to get some things off my chest.
In no particular order of chronology or importance…
Not on the clock. Afternoon rant. I have been told these things are funnier when I have had a couple pops. Well, here you go with about 150 things to say. Let’s turn and burn.
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1) Greetings and salutations, all. Hope you are watching these great football games this afternoon. All the guys I dropped on fantasy are having stellar days.
2) Why don’t teams jump over the line anymore when they need less than a yard?
3) What ever happened QB ‘s following their OL?
4) This is painful. The Steelers allowed a score when they got the ball back in the second half with 1:42 left. They went backward.
5) The Steelers just had it at 1st and goal from the ½ yard line. They got a field goal. Ugghhh.
6) Did I hear that correctly Saturday? Has Wisconsin beat Indiana by exactly 48 points the last three meetings? If you are a new reader, don’t judge the blog on whether that stat is correct. I tend to not look things up.
7) I suck at hanging stuff in a house. Suck.
8) I didn’t see the St. Pierre fight. I assumed he probably lost even though he won. That being said, I think you have to knock out the title holder in any fighting sport.
9) Lindsey and I are excited because one of my favorite people, Kyle, is coming over next week. She is tired of hearing about how fantastic he is, and he is tired of hearing about how there is one person in the world who actually likes me as is. He didn’t think that was possible. Nor did I. I am thinking a karaoke night. I would be the third highest ranked as far as quality of singers, but my Sweet Child O Mine, Lindsey’ I Will Survive, or Kyle’s Informer would bring the house down.
10) I am a man. I admit that I might go and watch Hunger Games in the theater. Yes, I said that. Meet me outside if you have a problem with that.
11) Donald Sutherland is in Hunger Games. I drove him to the set on a movie back in the day. He is one weird dude. I was told not to initiate conversation at ALL with him. I followed instructions. He opened up the conversation with “are your parents dead or alive?” Odd. Thanks for being alive, mom and dad.
12) The Bulls stopped the Pacers undefeated start. Pressure is off. The Pacers are still the team to beat outside of Miami in the Eastern Conference this year.
13) Mario Chalmers has two rings he doesn’t deserve and STILL is flagrantly fouling people. Leave Dirk alone, bro.
14) Hey, Cavs. Wait another 10 games before having a players only meeting. We are used to you sucking.
15) DIII player runs for 465 yards in a game. YOU are saying “well, it is just DIII.” Let me tell you something. Rushing for 465 yards as a parent against all of the neighborhood kids while babysitting would STILL be impressive. Bad. Ass.
16) Now that I carry around a drill that I barely know how to use, do I clean the drill bit when I am done? Just need some help.
17) I went to Ace Hardware yesterday and brought back Lindsey flowers. Do it. Randomly, gentlemen. The smile on the random flowers is one of the best smiles you will see in a relationship.
18) I am aware that I have the problem, and I am aware that Lindsey deals with it, but I am writing this rant actually SMELLING my stinky feet. It is what it is.
19) I even have a hard time hanging pictures and towel racks. I suck.
20) The Lions just did a fake field goal at the 20 yard line in bad weather AT the Steelers crib. They would have been up 7 points. Are they drinking on the Lions sideline? Ponto? Seriously, what the hell were you all thinking?
21) My brother, Matt, sent me a video of someone doing a crossover. I promptly sent him a 6 minute video of people trying to do the UTEP two step. Dirty, dirty, dirty. Tim Hardaway, that move was just plain awesome. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fr_eshJV2zo
22) Kobe is back at practice, so we are one step closer to actually calling the Lakers anything CLOSE to “Showtime,” and unless Brett Favre makes a comeback, the media has things to do.
23) IF Auburn somehow can take out Bama, which they won’t, that miracle catch just determined a large part of the BCS picture. UGA, how do you have a guy block the catch of your OWN guy?
24) Ohio State looked good for a half, and now they have dropped a spot in the rankings since they fell asleep in the second half.
25) So, being up 21-7 in the first quarter has NO bearings on whether Baylor thinks they can score on you?
26) I am looking at new gyms. I found out the YMCA down the street has an entire boxing RING downstairs. The people at the desk call it boxing candy land. I plan on being best friends with this guy within a week.
27) When I bust out my blog list at bars, the bartenders think I am that weird guy from Cheers who was a Diana experiment.
28) I love Chicago fans. “Get to shelter,” and only about 50% of the people actually left.
29) I really like long, long NFL referee explanations.
30) The Steelers new no huddle offense is kind of fun. Since we can’t run it up the gut like we have been able to do for the last 40 years, we might as well try gimmicks.
31) Lindsey put on Bridemaids last night. That big chick is SO funny, I thought it was more going to be the female version of The Hangover (and it wasn’t), but I will admit that she tried to change the channel near the end and I said at least twice “I at LEAST want to know how it ends!”
32) Bama won yesterday, but they looked shaky.
33) YOU can review my bets. I was a miracle catch away from being 1-1 on the big games, but I would have raked on all the other games. So, I would have lost since I would have bet bank on the late games.
34) I just stopped a sneezing spell at 10 sneezes. I still had some stuff on my foot, but I stopped it within 15 sneezes regardless.
35) Joe Haden came out of college a stud. They flashed up his stats this year against the other team’s top receiver. He has not allowed more than 60 yards all year. Tell your friends.
36) That Jermaine Gresham catch where THREE guys had a shot at him at the 2 yard line and he still scored was badass.
37) I still am so addicted to the song “Stacy’s Mom.” So 80’s, and so fantastic.
38) Oh, the ending of Bridemaids having Wilson Phillips involved was classic. Who doesn’t like the song “Hold on” and not crack on the video with the video of the two cute chicks and the one fat chick.
39) Kyle, you will be passing out on in a room with no doors. Don’t sleep naked.
40) KC has the #1 defense. Broncos have the best offense. I am more curious to see how the #1 sacking team, being blocked early rounding the corner, hits Peyton’s hobbled ankle.
41) I tried to be good. Power not being on at my home does not help what my Sunday afternoon plans.
42) Mark, don’t bet on an altitude team on a back to back AT a decent team’s crib.
43) Xcel, you suck.
44) Comcast, you suck.
45) Debating on where Lindsey and I are going for Thanksgiving. Still looking at flight deals, but might just go to her college town for the weekend. Fort Collins.
46) These announcers are HORRIBLE. How do I not have a sport job?
47) That Baylor jump INT was incredible.
48) That Fox red run line thing is just plain dumb. Not as dumb as the hockey puck trail, but still dumb.
49) WHEN should I start having hope about the Steelers’ chances for the playoffs?
50) 554 yards rushing is a LOT, Wisconsin.
51) Yes, Bob. Myles Jack, a LINEBACKER, might have just inserted himself into the Heisman conversation. FOUR TD’s Friday night. He is a freaking LB.
52) Hibbert had EIGHT blocks the other night. Just saying.
53) The Steelers have scored “unanswered” points. Has to be more than 10. Has to be consecutive.
54) I am glad I am retired from betting, because the money I would have bet on Wisconsin and FSU would have been negated by me throwing everything on Stanford. I have matured immensely.
55) I think I already said that, but don’t feel like “control fing” it.
56) Did Duke just win again in FOOTBALL? They might play FSU in the ACC championship. THAT would be funny.
57) Told you Oklahoma State would take Texas. Told you.
58) If you watched the beginning of the Texas Tech/ Baylor game, then you don’t NEED to play video games.
59) I dragged Lindsey to Sanchos on Friday, and I didn’t’ hear ONE Phish, Panic, or Dead song. I hear they changed their jukebox. Sucks.
60) Darrell Green called out RGII this week as his role as a leader. Must be nice to be one of the last three lockdown corners ever in the league.
61) I don’t need a joke. “Gronk apologizes for mocking Asian man in video.”
62) Dez Bryant bought everyone in line a PS4 this week. At least his pants were pulled up. I know it was a Walmart as opposed to a mall, but joke still works.
63) The reason why the Nuggets lost at Houston last night was because playing a back to back is hard enough. Guarding Ricky Rubio for 48 minutes the night before is just brutal.
64) Lindsey played a mean joke on me last night. She got me INTO The Guardian, and then fell asleep before the ONLY good scene. The final scene. Mean, mean, mean. Kevin Costner is HARD to watch. Except for No Way Out.
65) Mom, so I am working on a Queen of Hearts tatt as opposed to my crazy self made design. You should know I still carry the card in my wallet that I had before Grandpa died. I also have a liking to this day of Olivia Newton-John. It reminds me every day of our blackjack games.
66) Okafor went to Duke. He is a stud. I have a feeling now that Parker will definitely go pro after this year.
67) In two weeks, we will find out whether we have a new Johnny Football in Jameis Squinston or a new Johnny Football that just got caught.
68) JR Smith was fined 25k for…do you even care what dumb thing he just recently did? Google it. I have shit to get to. He is an idiot.
69) A.P. is not looking to leave Minnesota. He HAS expressed interest in being involved in the drafting process. No more Christian Ponders.
70) I am surprised that Portugal only won 1-0 against Sweden in the first leg of the WC qualifier. Makes it much more interesting than the New Zealand-Mexico match. We NEED Portugal and Mexico in the WC when I am somehow down in Brazil.
71) WC= World Cup. Some sports guys go club-country. I go country-club. Be a regular reader. It will make all of these jokes easier to get.
72) “Opposing QB assaulted in bathroom the night before game.” That is an actual headline. Virginia State. That is not the Fillerbuster being sarcastic or making up stuff.
73) Or Rickey Henderson.
74) To add to car and house problems AND my tapeworm, we have to use a mini college fridge for the next two weeks due to a broken fridge part that has to be shipped in from Germany. I might be ordering out tonight. Or maybe Lindsey will read this and make something. She is a fantastic cook. Brilliant.
75) That flip to Heath Miller from Big Ben was so past his prime Brett Favre. You know what I am talking about.
76) Lindsey cares about OU football, Steelers football when I am around, fantasy football, and animated movies. During some other Big 12 KEY games yesterday, she was jamming out to Finding Nemo.
77) Which IS a fantastic movie, mind you.
78) Odd stat. Tell Your friends. Matthew Stafford is the FOURTH fastest QB EVER to 100 TD’s 55 games. I would tell you the other four but then I wouldn’t be sparking your enthusiasm.
79) How can the Falcons really be THIS bad?
80) How did I think that and draft Steven Jackson?
81) When will I stop drafting two RB’s at the beginning of my fantasy draft?
82) How much is Dragon.com software? It would eliminate this carrying around a legal paper blog list thing. AND being a weird spotter looking guy at bars.
83) Ponto, boom goes the dynamite. Since you didn’t comment on your last two shout outs, I assume you delete your notifications emails, so even MORE reason to call you out in my blog. Steelers proved they are less bad than the Lions. We have a raping QB, you have a shitty city, and for today, I win, biatch.
84) Did it take Michigan THREE OT’s to beat Northwestern? So, now we know LESS about the two most bipolar teams in the FBS than we did before.
85) Now, to the saved hooks from the week. Have your browser ready.
86) Talking porcupine. Don’t advance past this link like my girl does. CLICK on it. As Kyle would say, it is adorable. http://www.edisproduction.de/2013/10/30/adorable-talking-porcupine-loves-pumpkin/
87) Lindsey is allowed to bypass that link because she actually sent it to me.
88) If you care about what is going on with Richie Incognito, Jonathan Martin, or the NFL, email me. I will make sure to include it tomorrow.
89) Djokovic beat Nadal in the ATP Finals. Exactly. It is like the tennis version of the Tour Championship. Anyone who follows golf AND tennis gets that joke. Anyone who follows neither or only one of them has no clue.
90) Is Morgan Freeman seriously in every commercial out there?
91) I went to the Verizon store yesterday because I had a coupon. I was deciding between a $50 phone case and a $10 phone case when they told me I had $10 on my coupon card. It looks ghetto, AND I have lots of problems, but dropping my phone is NOT one of them.
92) LeBron says the Heat must step up their D. In a related story, LeBron has admitted to not flossing on a regular basis but still the media covers it.
93) Was Jay Cutler playing before the storm today, and does anyone care?
94) Actually, I do. Lindsey and I are playing against Brandon Marshall. Must be nice to have him as your flex player, opponent. I am Googling Mike Tolbert and you have Marshall as your flex player. NOT bitter. Promise.
95) I have heard the Jay Glazer interview with Richie Incognito is pretty interesting, but it is on Fox Sports, which means it sucks. NOT watched it.
96) Harvin is back I believe. By the way, how is that 2500 yards going for you, A.P.?
97) Lindsey just asked me if I wanted extra tomato soup.
98) Lindsey just asked me if I wanted the extra cheese from her salad. You date someone for a while, and STILL sometimes you get odd questions. I will plow down any cheese plates or tomato soup bowls that ANYONE needs assistance with.
99) If you thought that Andrea Bargnani ever DID play defense, check out THIS. http://deadspin.com/andrea-bargnani-does-not-appear-to-have-control-over-hi-1462411804
100) Be mad at Jonathan Martin. Just make sure you are tweeting the right guy. http://deadspin.com/people-keep-tweeting-hate-and-support-at-the-wrong-jona-1462380461
101) Lindsey just gave me these pretzel ships that are garlic parmesan that she might not get back. They are delicious.
102) If you don’t know what the statue of liberty is, then you are probably reading the wrong blog. Make better use of your time. If you DO know what the play is, then check out 5 and 6 year olds doing the classic play. Dirty. http://deadspin.com/watch-some-5-and-6-year-olds-run-the-statue-of-liberty-1462231809
103) If the Steelers were in the NFC East, they would be a game and a half out. The 6-5 Eagles lead the way.
104) Please stop telling me stories about the Braves demolishing a stadium ELEVEN miles away from their present crib. Please.
105) Thirteen players reject contract offers in MLB and will become free agents. Why WOULD you accept a contract? Everyone and their mom gets overpaid in the Major Leagues, so why would you NOT go crazy?
106) If Packers Jermichael Finley IS done, then it is far too early for a very talented and ridiculously athletic tight end.
107) The Sabres replaced Rolston with Nolan AND fired their GM. It must be REALLY hard to be a Buffalo sports fan. The city sucks, you went 0-4 in the Super Bowl in the early 90’s, your hockey team has underachieved with some good teams, and your best selling point is being somewhere in the vicinity of Niagara Falls…I think.
108) I am still eating those parmesan pretzels I stole from Lindsey. I have to say this, and those who know me KNOW what is coming. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yMe7mlRv8UE
109) The trade of Shumpert and Faried fell through. I have a feeling this trade is NOT off the table, AND that the only reason this did NOT happen right now is because JaVale McGee is hurt. Otherwise, Faried would have been GONE.
110) Pop Warner participation is down, and people think it is due to the CTE issue. Maybe, but I am hoping that some kids want to win the World Cup in about 15 years.
111) Good to have Gary Kubiak back for the Texans. Hope that translates into a clean bill of health AND actually playing up to your potential for the first time in four years.
112) I mean, SOMETHING has to go wrong for the Harlem Globetrotter at SOME point against the Washington Generals. http://msn.foxsports.com/nba/story/globetrotter-spared-after-backboard-almost-crushes-him-daily-buzz-111213?cmpid=msn%3Afoxsports%3Aansfox11
113) There are a lot of reasons why I don’t have Twitter on my phone or device, but this would DEFINITELY add to that logic. http://deadspin.com/words-to-live-by-1464046151
114) If you haven’t seen the Dave Chappelle Rick James’ skits, then just move along to the next hook. If you HAVE, then this will be hilarious to you. http://deadspin.com/tag/rick-james-mike-tyson
115) I did what every smart football person in the world did. I set aside time to watch the first 15 minutes of the Clemson-Georgia Tech football game. That is all I had to see.
116) VERY cool that the person who bought the very first Ford Mustang STILL has it. I didn’t buy the first Jeep Cherokee, but am loyal about cars, and WOULD have stuck with it. Dammit. Now, I am just putting into “park” at lights and scaring the shit out of the person behind me.
117) Baylor MIGHT not be THAT good (I am on the opposite bandwagon), but if you were not a believer that they can score like a video game and almost at will against decent defenses, then hopefully after the Tech game you are.
118) I went through a time warp this week. I saw that “Drew will not be back with Red Sox next year,” and I seriously had an “old” moment and thought they were talking about J.D. Stephen. Got it.
119) The sports world is lacking headlines when I need to hear that Derek Jeter is starting a publishing company.
120) I am excited for tonight’s football game even WITH the fact it has the local team involved, but I just realized it is Sunday. Ugghhh. Cris Collinsworth. Nails on a chalkboard.
121) I wish Nike and Adidas would stop making ANY uniforms for ANY team. I have seen the NBA Christmas uni’s. I was glad we got rid of the short shorts, but was quite happy with all uniforms. Leave it alone.
122) Because, there a LOT of dumb people in the world… http://deadspin.com/fugitive-comments-on-own-most-wanted-photo-on-facebook-1464780683
123) Looks like a class act.
124) Puig apparently was bullied in the clubhouse this year. I admire the PR person who is trying to get us to like this guy. I admire his mad talent, but this is just fabricated.
125) It is halftime of the Saints-49ers game. I gave Lindsey the remote. She said “I don’t know what to do without the Snapped channel.” Hilarious. That was my blogging time, watching a psych major watch a reality show about people who trusted people kill some folks.
126) I firmly believe in fighting in hockey. Firmly. It is different than the violent NFL, needs different rules, is traditional, and needs to stay.
127) Lindsey, during halftime, just put on I Love You Man, aka the story of my friend life. Good stuff.
128) Patience is illustrated every now and then in my relationship as Lindsey watches me type ultra fast while blogging for 126 hooks. Dibs to her for just knowing that since I don’t have a piano, THIS is my release now. THAT is my true release. When I get my weight sensitive Roland, she will REALLY know how I go to another level.
129) That is it. Hope you enjoyed. Will I blog tomorrow? That is a CLOWN question, bro. Peace.