Read it, don’t read it, I don’t care…just needed to get some things off my chest.
In no particular order of chronology or importance…
Not on the clock. Friday evening rant. Let’s turn and burn.
1) Greetings and salutations. I am going to try and do less hooks than that $74 tab for Drew Brees but more than his $3 tip.
2) I know. It was take out, but we ALL know you make like $20 million per year. I wouldn’t go back to that place for a bit. Or watch the movie Waiting before you do. It will change your views of restaurants forever. It is like mandatory watching for people who have never worked restaurant.
3) I can’t believe we are in the year 2013 and there is finally a female in NFL ref training camp. About time.
4) Unless you have a problem with chicks, too, Riley Cooper. By the way, to address the questions that most people are asking-a) yes, it is funny he is apologizing NOW after he did that 2 months ago b) yes, the Eagles acted too quickly and didn’t realize how this would snowball (not YOU, Dwight) c) no, the punishment is NOT enough d) yes, they don’t want to kick him off the team because of just losing Jeremy Maclin to injury (it would be like the Pats cutting a tight end…without the murder thing…and a Kenny Chesney concert)
5) The Pelicans released their new uniforms this week. Once again, I want copyright on calling all postgame conferences “The Pelican Brief.”
6) Deadspin wins again. How that small of staff beats ESPN and other sites to information is beyond me, but I read it about a ½ day before ESPN picked it up. Read a letter from Aaron Hernandez talking about God and how innocent he is. He didn’t mention more bodies in that Bristol pond.
7) Orioles Buck Showalter has a point I hadn’t thought about in this A-Rod thing. IF MLB figures out a way to ban him permanently or where he can’t get salary, the Yankees actually WIN. They probably ALREADY have a list of 10 replacement 3rd baseman ready to go…ROOTING for MLB to win. AND they cut salary at the same time.
8) Lindsey and I are very happy. We just found out there is one more season of Kenny Powers. WATCH that show. It is hilarious, as long as you know you will be offended in every possible way going into it. Pretty abrasive and hilarious show.
9) Speaking of abrasive, hey Tosh…when is Brickleberry coming back? I am going through withdrawal. It makes Family Guy look family friendly.
10) Yu Darvish threw at least 14 strikes for the second time this season. The rest of MLB also has TWO total. 14 KO’s is impressive. Throwing NO walks while you are doing it is more impressive.
11) Damn this indentation at bullet point #10. Someone email me how to stop doing it in Word.
12) I hope Greg Oden chooses a team before he ages another 15 years.
13) I have the ugliest feet west of the Mississippi. I laughed out loud when seeing Living Social’s coupon today was a pedicure. Not going to happen. Not that I like my ugly feet. I wouldn’t put the pedicurist through that. That wouldn’t be nice. I am a nice person.
14) In this offseason of NFL injuries, the 49ers got hit today. They lost CB Chris Culliver for the season. 49ers fans, don’t panic. You brought back all five of your CB’s for a reason last year…to guard against this. You are good.
15) Seriously, watch Drunk History. It is funny.
16) Tiger had a round of 61 today. That is impressive. Bridgestone is pretty much straight ahead and flat greens. Nice round. Now do SOMETHING on the weekend of a Major. You are SO hard to be a fan of lately.
17) I ran yesterday, and of course Rocky’s Gonna Fly Now kicked in near the end to help me get there…and then I kept running…like Forrest Gump. If a criminal was about to chase me to rob me. I would ask if I could throw my shuffle on just to see what kind of talent he had. I can run forever with that song.
18) So, now Ryan Braun has lost sponsors Kwik Trip and Nike. He lost his high end AND his low end. Convenience store and…Nike. Dude must have no friends right now. Ryan, publicly apologize to the pee collector. It will help. Trust me.
19) Ryan Braun is allowed to do it through the media. Greg Jennings, giving JUST a public apology to Aaron Rodgers and saying you haven’t contacted him directly is just rude. Look at your hand, bro. He GOT that ring for you.
20) I am pretty sure there is a women’s Major happening right now. All I know is that crazy start of the year that Inbee Park is having but that she is really far back. There WAS a cute LPGA golfer in the ESPN Body Issue. Carly Booth. Otherwise, I have nothing for you.
21) I don’t know what I am going to do in my life when the time comes that Maurice Clarett is either not getting arrested or not trying to make a comeback to the NFL. I will be lost.
22) Dez Bryant showed his Einstein like intelligence by proclaiming that LeBron James would be a BEAST in the NFL. Thanks for your expert answer. I hadn’t put that together at ALL.
23) Sebastian Janikowski just got a new deal with the Raiders. Janikowski was my Rant Squad first interview. He hasn’t done anything stupid in a while. I officially proclaim he is now on Rant Squad probation until he says something dumb. Come ON, man. You have to keep up your game. Go to a strip club with drug and guns. It will help.
24) I wish Matt Damon wouldn’t have wasted time on being a badass in the new movie Elysium and instead would have just made another Bourne. EVERYONE would have been happy.
25) I am going on an improvement plan. In recognizing that I despise Sandra Bullock more than any other actress, I must remember that she is in what I consider a top ten all time movie…Crash (one of the FEW things my colleague, Cerk, and I totally disagree on).
26) Ex-NBA baller Craig Ehlo was arrested for domestic assault this week. I suppose he is trying to erase our memory of “that guy guarding MJ” on one of the most memorable NBA shots of all time, and replacing with “wife beater.” Good plan. Now that Sebastian J is on probation, I have a spot.
27) I am watching ESPN News. They have just updated me on NASCAR. I honestly really can’t remember what they just said.
28) LeBron is mulling over becoming NBA Players President. So, you have time to do that, but don’t have time for the Olympic team? No offense, and you speak well, but leave that gig for someone who went to college. What is your teammate Shane Battier doing? It can be practice for his Presidency run 20 years from now.
29) Deadspin is SERIOUSLY awesome. Read it, people. They caught A-Rod at a Hooters and then a day or two later at Starbucks staring at his phone. One of the captions? “It is like this guy has all the time in the world.” Classic.
30) Help me. Has anyone been a sex symbol as a dude with a mustache ever besides Tom Selleck?
31) Sign you are getting older. Lindsey and I were in the car. She has Sirius Radio. She has classic stations too. I heard this song that I THOUGHT was old that evidently is NEW…and POPULAR. Daft Punk-Get Lucky. So, if songs that sound like Earth Wind and Fire are now popular, I have about 15 more years until glam rock comes back according to my calculations. I will be waiting. You better be ready, David Coverdale and Kip Winger.
32) We are past the MLB trade deadline, which means now we go to waivers, meaning you can still trade people. Dumb system. You are insulting the term “deadline.”
33) Deadspin even covers indoor volleyball. I think these people specifically went there to DO this. BJ at the event. You need the video for this one. http://deadspin.com/blowjob-in-the-stands-livens-up-indoor-volleyball-nsfw-981220844
34) Matt, I am technically deficient. I tried personal email, text, and other personal email, and I still can’t load that classic Tebow picture you sent me. Figure out another way. Maybe work email. I have about 5 funny comments, but need the pic to do so. Or tell me where you found the pic on the internet.
35) The grass is green, the sky is blue, and Bama is preseason #1. Ohio State is going to be good folks, and I feel like a shallow, trivial Martin Luther King, Jr, when I think that perhaps UVA will beat #3 ranked Oregon in September. It is most likely a dream and probably a 63-14 whipping. I am an optimist though. I think it will be 34-17. Yeah.
36) I COULD make an Earth Wind and Fire reference right now, but I won’t (I wrote “September”).
37) The Chiefs Offensive Coordinator has said that he thinks that Alex Smith is the best QB in the NFL. So, by this comment, I can assume that drug testing does NOT get done on coaches, correct?
38) Andrei Kirilenko says there is NO side deal even though he accepted the $7 million LOWER contract with the Nets. Yeah. Hey, Andrei, when is that ONE day you are allowed to cheat on your wife? THAT is why you are famous up to this point.
39) Will Blake Griffin WIN something already? His commercials are fantastic (no NBA pun intended). New commercial. Street court. He picks up a guy who THINKS he can shoot but is simply living in a pretentious world. The commercial then shows Blake dunking all of his wild misses, with the guy thinking he is making them. Classic.
40) A-Rod hit a home run in his rehab start I just found out. I am waiting until the end of the game to see if he ignores the media again. Idiot. I think Snowball and A-Rod should seriously hang out together. Actually, they need a third, and then I can make Ghostbusters jokes.
40a) Crossing the streams, people.
41) Sorry, Lindsey, for losing to injury one of your QB’s (Kendal Thompson) competing for the starting position. You guys NEED three, don’t you? I don’t think Blake Bell can get you from one 20 to the other 20. I think he get you IN after that, but the Thompson loss is not a good one. Need that pure QB that you guys are known for.
42) I hear that McQueary said in court that Paterno said that PSU erred. I got to thinking. Am I alone? I think we just don’t ever want to hear anything more about this case ever again, right? Maybe, if Sandusky escaped jail. That would be exciting and scary for playgrounds.
43) Ohio State STILL paid Gee $5.8 million while leaving? Wow.
44) I am watching the Chip Kelly interview about Riley Cooper. He just busted out that the sticks and stones reference. He even talks fast. Did anyone notice that? I hope his wife is happy (that is funny because I hope he doesn’t finish THAT fast (the reference is also about because he always wants to PLAY fast)).
45) The VP of NFL refs says that THEY will control the pace of the game when it comes to Kelly’s Eagles. Come on. Kelly is going to make it FUN. Don’t STOP it. They will be the football version of the early 2000’s Phoenix Suns. I guess that also means they won’t win anything.
46) I think that Daniel Gibson’s 2nd degree battery charge this week has less to do with present anger and has more to do with the fact that he entered the NBA two years early…after his sophomore year. Dumb. Take note, you idiots leaving after two years only to go in the second round. College is FUN. Money is fun, too, but college is FUN.
47) I look at my book shelf and still see all of the Life’s Little Instruction Book copies my parents got me. The books are now aged a little, but I highly recommend checking them out some time. Even you A.D.D. people. The book is little, the points are short, the writing is large, and the points are huge. Thanks, Mom and Dad. I am not saying I listened to everything, but let’s just say the points were NOTED.
48) I don’t know why I reference my parents in my blog during this time of year. March Madness is done, and football hasn’t started. Guess I should call them.
49) I think Arian Foster might pull an Adrian Peterson in his return from injury. Not saying 2000 yards. Just saying I won’t shy away from him in my fantasy football draft like I did last year with A.P.
50) This is really funny. Does Rex Ryan KNOW we all laugh at him, or does he just live in a bubble. Moors. Moops. Moors. Moops.
51) You might not know who P Bud Norris is, but baseball fans do. He is not flashy, and has been slumping, but could be the key at some point to the Orioles making the next step in the playoffs.
52) That is it. I am skipping the boring stuff on my list. I hope you enjoyed. I am going to go figure out the rest of my evening. I am pretty comfortable. Probably won’t do much. Will I blog tomorrow? That is a CLOWN question, bro. Peace.
53) I MIGHT take off until Sunday…or write a short one tomorrow. I don’t know. It is just my tagline. Thanks for reading. Enjoy your weekend.