Read it, don’t read it, I don’t care…just needed to get some things off my chest.
In no particular order of chronology or importance…
NOT on the clock. FAR from on the clock. Old format. Free form style. I am sitting here with four hours of Masters coverage and nothing to do but watch The Masters and rant. If you make it to the end, we are here for a while…I have LOTS to say and LOTS of time to say it.
1) Mom. I like “Mark,” but if you had to do it again, I would like to be named Fernando Hernandez-Castano, who is currently in the top ten of The Masters and might have my favorite name of all time. Say it aloud. Seriously. It rolls off the tongue.
2) I took Lindsey to the driving range to pump her up for The Masters. She is presently taking a nap while I am watching golf.
3) I need to get on the course. I was KILLING the ball today. And by killing, I mean that I didn’t miss one ball (ok…one), and the ball was going up in the air and straight ahead like 80% of the time. Lindsey wasn’t even watching me, or she just assumed I was that good.
4) I read both rules Tiger broke. Maybe I am a homer, but I think 2 strokes is a huge kick in the junk, worthy, and even you haters don’t want Tiger out of the tourney. It is like not wanting Notre Dame or Nebraska to be in the mix in collegefootball. It wasn’t HORRIBLE by the way. I will write it off as miscommunication and ambiguous rules. Yeah. If he wins, he and Barry Bonds can have beers underneath a big asterisk sign.
5) Who’d have thunk? I did. Jason Day is winning, and I am pretty sure I am the only person who had him on my ten man team. Boom goes the dynamite. I would be a lot cockier had I picked Couples over Harrington in that ranking group. I would be smoking people. Damn
6) As I write this, Freddy just double bogeyed. I am assuming that at some point…53 years HAS to kick in…although I am rooting for him as always. I don’t think he eats at Perkins either.
7) I am pretty sure Angel Cabrera just practices at Augusta year round. We never hear about him except during this weekend and the US Open. Dude just WAITS.
8) Worth a chuckle… http://www.buzzfeed.com/kmallikarjuna/people-you-wish-were-your-best-friend
9) Lindsey never hits my links, so she didn’t know I posted this before, but worthwhile once again. This is a chick who is missing the point. On deer crossings. We wouldn’t exactly bring this woman onto out trivial pursuit team. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RFCrJleggrI
10) The Oakland A’s are 9-2. I assume we can expect Moneyball 2 then. The Braves are 10-1, and still figuring out how they got ONE World Series in the 90’s with that pitching staff. The Phils are 5-5, and just feel good knowing that Miami is behind them, so it is impossible for them to be last in their division. Can we let the Astros and Marlins play in kind of like a Hunger Games set up? Only the winner gets to stay in the MLB?
11) By the way, we are hitting 100 hooks today for the first time ever in the rant. Just a heads up. Control F as needed.
12) Jeremy Lin says race was an issue in college. He went to Harvard. Therefore, I don’t find that story as riveting.
13) I saw “42” last night. Good flick. They showed some hard times, Harrison Ford should win an Oscar, the guy who played Jackie was incredible, and I was overall happy. That being said, batting .400 in baseball is next to impossible. My only problem with the film was that if Jackie did not get a hit, it was someone else’s fault for heckling him. I would have liked to see the crowd heckle him after ONE strikeout that was HIS fault. It is baseball. Feel good movie, it makes a statement, and everyone should see it.
14) I am waiting for the “Jim Boeheim retires” headline ANY minute now.
15) Before 42, Lindsey and I saw the long preview for Hangover III. II was over the top in my opinion. By the long preview, I would like to know if they spend ANY time in the casinos when they go to Vegas. Sit at a blackjack table for 8 hours again, guys.
16) The grass is green, the sky is blue, and Trey Burke is going to the NBA. I don’t doubt this decision, and he is POY, but has he LOOKED at the returning roster???? They would be preseason #1 if he stayed.
17) I think mine would be Here I Go Again or Regulators. http://www.ks1075.com/Blog/morningShow/blogentry.aspx?BlogEntryID=10528921
18) Lots of free time, and did they spray paint the tusks?
I think you are weird if you DON’T like a trampoline. http://youtu.be/c8xJtH6UcQY
19) People in Toronto are sad today because Jose Reyes is hurt for 1-3 months. THEN they remember they spent like $130 million on OTHER players. They will sleep ok tonight and will still take that division.
20) Kobe is out for a long time with an Achilles injury. Dude. I hate you, but I respect you. Walk off (limp off) right now. You have 5 rings, a dysfunctional team, and nothing left to prove. Go to Eagle-Vail and cheat on your wife again. She can be on top since you are hurt. Oh. Kobe says he would have “smacked” Mike Rice. Thanks for splitting the atom, Kobe.
21) Everyone likes trick basketball shots. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KmVHQjNRVOo
22) I think I am watching Freddy Couples turn 54 as I write this.
23) To my brother, Matt. As far as 80’s games, you edged me on the ugly duckling games which I can’t find anymore in 80’s bars, Gyruss, and you KILLED me at Defender. I played Defender last night. I have decided that of ALL the 80’s games that you can still find your old magic, Defender is the hardest. Props, bro.
24) On a random note, I can play the game “Off Road (not 80’s)” for as LONG as I want I ONE coin.
25) About that kicker I talked about getting signed by the Lions, my colleague, Cerk, and I have decided “bad ass video but what dude calls himself “kickalicious??” Licious is for Destiny’s Child and other such chicks. Come on, dude. Without even date raping anyone, Sebastian even has “Polish Cannon.” MUCH tougher sounding.
26) One more thing about Kobe. If anything in your body is “ruptured,” that is bad.
27) On the English language, I told Brian the other day I have a hard time saying the word “cumulative.” Being an expert on EVERY quote from EVERY movie, he asked me to reference THIS. http://www.movieweb.com/movie/team-america-world-police/inevitable
28) I hear there is no “physical evidence” on A-Rod. We don’t like him, we know he cheated, so do we care?
29) Gronk will have 4th surgery on his left forearm. Reason for concern? Sure. He must be breakdancing on that arm is what I think personally. Alternate on the Windmill, bro.
30) Eddie Lacy ran a 4.59 in his post injury 40. I have read 8 articles. No one is sure whether that helped or hurt him. Damn, this draft has no RB’s.
31) Seattle CB Richard Sherman says he was misquoted on something he said about drugs in the NFL. You weren’t misquoted, bro. The media just can’t keep up with how much you talk about dumb shit.
32) There is something going on in Champion’s League soccer. You are on your own to find out what it is.
33) AJ Hawk says Aaron Rodgers should make a “billion” dollars in his new contract. He got you one SB. I get that. You are talking like you are the center and he is fondling you though. Let the agents do their thing.
34) Scared? I am at 32 hooks, and we have 150 minutes left as I sit here. You can take a break. Go get a drink. Hit the bathroom. I am hitting 100 today.
35) I backed up my shit today. I told Lindsey at the driving range I hit my 9 iron like Tin Cup hits the 7. I hit 5 straight in the air, 160 yards. Had the Masters not been on, I would have coursed it up today. Yes, I know that “coursed it up” is not a term, but pay it forward regardless.
36) LSU’s Tyrann Mathieu says he doesn’t remember how many drug tests he failed, but it is more than ten. How funny. I don’t know how many draft spots your idiocy cost you, but it is more than 10.
37) Some players I doubt when going pro. Maybe it is their skills, and sometimes it is their team. Myck Kabongo is going pro. He missed half the season, and I don’t know what happened to Rick Barnes pipeline, but I would get the HELL out of Dodge if I was him.
38) I am waiting for Marc Leishman to go away, but he just won’t. Don’t you know where you HOME is? He is Australian. He must be fun to drink with also.
39) Is anyone else bothered by Domino’s new “we will cook it slow” theme? I think about who works at Domino’s, and see the hands in the dough, and speed dial Pizza Hut.
40) Kevin Durant was fined $25k for a menacing gesture this week. I thought I had clicked on a different article accidentally, because Kevin is one of the last guys I would have thought would do the slicing of throat thing. Russell? Yes. Kevin? No. It must have been a bet, and we know he can afford the $25k.
41) Good luck to Jay-Z in his agent certifications. I guess the Russian guy just said “I have enough money. Get lost.”
42) The Winter Classic next year will be between Toronto and Detroit. Let’s see if the season starts on time this year before we get excited about snow and ice hockey.
43) _________________ University did something bad this week. Answer? Auburn in this fun Mad Libs game we all love. Ex- RB Mike McNeil got busted for armed robbery. You are really turning out some winners over that way, aren’t you? Even Bo Jackson is dissing you all.
44) I hear Tim Tebow might go to Seattle. I hear that Jeff Garcia has said the Jets should get rid of him now. I have recently become religious like Tebow. I am praying he goes away, becomes a preacher in a small town in Florida, and will drive a pickup truck with one of those truck coverings for the rest of his life. Call Andy Warhol. You are done, bro. Good luck in losing your virginity. You should have hit some models while you were at the top, man.
45) Raise your hand if you turn off the channel when Gone in 60 Seconds is on main TV. I am looking. I don’t see any hands.
46) To fight rampant racism in soccer, Marco Bolotelli got busted smoking in a train bathroom. Some of my points HAVE a point, and some of them just point. Just deal with it. MY blog.
47) I was going to write something about the Clippers first division title either ever or in a long time, and I stumbled on THIS headline. Sit down before you read this. This is CLASSIC.
48) No. I didn’t forget to post the link. I just wanted you to be sitting down when you read it. http://sports.yahoo.com/blogs/ncaab-the-dagger/top-recruits-beat-michael-jordan-one-one-prime-232303002–ncaab.html
49) Tiger just bunkered the 16th with an easy placement. Dude? You should be playing aggressive. How does that happen?
50) I am sitting at home watching The Masters, yet I still wear my “golf clothes.” Is that weird?
51) I think Jimmy Johnson won again last week. You are now updated on NASCAR.
52) Tiger just made a sand save. Bad. Ass
53) When I am with Lindsey, I get NO text messages. No one wants to talk to me. She is napping. Her phone I making ALL kind of sounds. I am glad one of us is really popular.
54) How come the Reds scoring nine runs in the ninth this week didn’t get more pub?
55) I am getting Twitter on my phone. It will be dangerous.
56) So. Joe Flacco will play Johnny U in an upcoming film? The family is mad. I would be angry also.
57) RGIII is #1 in jersey sales. Melo is #1 in the NBA. I find BOTH of them troublesome.
58) Akers signed with the Lions, but please tell me all you care about is that the Youtube sensation gets the starting gig.
59) Tim Clark is a fat man. I can’t believe he has the round of the day so far.
60) The Following was solid this week. Are the serial killers ever going to start actually killing OR will they just move houses for next season?
61) When I take a vacation with Lindsey, I will make sure to contact Mike Tomlin first. http://sports.yahoo.com/blogs/nfl-shutdown-corner/mike-mccarthy-provides-big-assist-green-bay-packers-150608535–nfl.html
62) Here is the whole Pringles email.
63) Seriously, this is BRILLIANT. My arm ALWAYS falls asleep while sleeping with Lindsey.
64) The courts are hearing the NFL concussion cases. I was going to remember what to say on this, but I forget. I am Batman.
65) Yes. We out for a few drinks before Masters coverage, in case you are wondering.
66) I just fell off my couch. You get Freddy close to the green and the case is CLOSED. Awesome shot into the green.
67) I hear that Mike Rice had some violent incidents at Robert Morris also. I hear they are also making a Hoosiers II. “Loser Hoosier.”
68) I just chuckled. I liked that last joke.
69) Jason Day is still in the lead, and I am pretty freaking proud he is on my team.
70) I don’t think I would be very much fun to watch The Masters with. Skyler, I had a blast last year with you, but I think you are the only person who GETS me. Lindsey is smart for napping.
71) The Olympics are thinking about having 3 on 3 bball. Scott, is Jeff in shape? We can revisit our “Deez Nuts” Hoop It Up squad.
72) PLEASE watch the Soup Awards. Patrick Warburton/ Puddy OWNS it. http://www.youtube.com/verify_age?next_url=/watch%3Fv%3DV9_yJporbMA
73) I care about the Raiders getting CB Jenkins as much as I care about the Bobcats…getting a warm body.
74) I think the E-Trade song sounds a lot like the US Navy song.
75) Lindsey made me dinner this week. Sausage, shrimp, crab, pasta (because that is ALL I eat). It was delicious.
76) Two pages left. LOTS of links. A soccer player was hit by a pear this week and the soccer match was “abandoned.” I had to Google “abandoned” in soccer, but the story is kind of funny. Who carries a PEAR to a soccer match? http://www.usatoday.com/story/sports/soccer/2013/04/08/swedish-match-abandoned-after-player-hit-by-pear/2064851/
77) Jason Day is up by two shots. I feel like Nostradamus. PLUS, Rory ended up at plus 5 and Phil was plus 8. What a great day.
78) I feel like if Sidney Crosby could be healthy for ONE FULL year, we would be throwing around the name Wayne Gretzky a LOT more.
79) Four soccer players got a lifetime ban from some league for fixing games. If you email me that you care, I will look it up and talk about it.
80) This will be an interesting month. Chris Webber’s “ban” is lifted. If Jalen Rose has to call him out IN Atlanta WHILE he lives there, and he BARELY shows up, then what are we expecting?
81) This is awesome. Maybe THEY can get me my Michigan national championship hat. http://www.thebiglead.com/index.php/2013/04/10/publisher-mistake-puts-michigan-national-championship-book-available-on-amazon-update/
82) There is a central American betting scandal that is somehow based in Oklahoma City. Someone bring me a flow chart.
83) I am STILL not impressed by Comcast’s TWO hour windows.
84) Nolan Ryan will remain with the Rangers. I am not a Texas guy, and I would have flown to Texas to regulate.
85) Does Seattle know how bad and irritating the Sacramento team is?
86) Joe Paterno’s wife says they didn’t know anything. Please be quiet, whatever your name is. Oh. That’s right. You are “Joe Paterno’s wife.”
87) Dale Jarrett gets in the NASCAR HOF. That seems about right. I don’t know crap outside of Days of Thunder. Why would I argue? Rubbin’s racing.
By the way, I saw the long preview of some Formula 1 movie based on a true story that has some dude in a crash and some other dude raking. I said, so it is basically Days of Thunder with two teams and Formula 1 cars. Lindsey still hasn’t seen Days of Thunder, so she didn’t get the joke. That is a travesty. I will put my best people on solving this issue.
88) OK. Lindsey made me “scotch eggs” this week. INCREDIBLE. Sausage heated up with a hard boiled egg inside. How is that NOT bad?
89) My shower gets standing water which I don’t contact my leasing company to fix. Why? I have big, smelly feet. The more time they are in clean, soapy water, the better. If you made it this far, BOOM, Ponto. He says I have the ugliest feet in the world. I agree. They can at least SMELL good though.
90) We were watching Rules of Engagement the other night, and Lindsey was confused how I knew what Bollywood was. That is when we expanded our conversation about how I used to be addicted to “So you think you can dance.” Admitted.
91) First question. Survivor is still on the tube? Second question. There are “superfans?”
92) Finding Nemo is the best cartoon movie ever. After seeing it the other day with Lindsey, American Tail could be second.
93) PLEASE watch the TBS show Men At Work. Funny as HELL.
94) Melo says “don’t rush Derrick Rose.” Rose says “pass it, Melo.”
95) Rondo is frustrated with his injury timeline. The masses are frustrated by how you can’t shoot from 18 feet.
96) Bobby Hurley has turned down Rutgers. In a related story, the Baltimore Museum has turned down holding Hannibal. I have no idea what that means except that my boy, Chris (Soup), only hates that movie because of that point.
97) The Jacksonville Jaguars are happy with the #2 pick. The rest of the league is glad that they have no upside in general.
98) Tiger Woods received a two stroke penalty. It is the first two stroke penalty he has received since being hit by his ex-wife (thanks Will, from upstairs at Lindsey’s place).
99) Rick Pitino says that Russ Smith is on the fence about going to the NBA. Just like he is on the fence for shooting when he gets the ball.
100) If you care, and actually think that the Red Sox won’t be last in the division this year, David Ortiz started his rehab stint this week.
Ok. Deadspin attack. I had some free time. Here we go. http://deadspin.com/five-places-jason-whitlock-wont-go-because-the-food-is-472536028
105) Revis is running again. No word on whether he will use his speed to run TO the Jets or AWAY from the Jets.
106) Pats Alfonzo Dennard has been sentenced to jail. Not only is it in 2014, not only is it in MARCH after the season, but I bet the judge doesn’t think the letter “r” is in the alphabet. HOMER.
107) Ronda Rousey has said she would fight the transgendered Fallon Fox. Please bring in Woody Woodpecker back for the promos.
108) I have to go. Sam Hurd just called me. Will I blog tomorrow? That is a CLOWN question, bro. Peace.
109) Just a tagline from Bryce. I am off tomorrow watching GOLF. You should too.