Read it, don’t read it, I don’t care…just needed to get some things off my chest.
In no particular order of chronology or importance…
Not on the clock. Afternoon pre-Super Bowl rant. Nowhere to go. Let’s turn and burn.
TWITTER CO-BLOGGER: @gaberoyal
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************this is unedited. Not enough time in the day.
1) Greetings and salutations, people. Thanks for joining me. First of all, I took a long look at all of the Super Bowl parties that I was invited to, but have decided to stay home this year to watch it.
2) That is a joke. I, being not only a sports junkie AND not being the guy from the Pats/ Bud Light commercial, did not receive any invites. I will spin it as maybe everyone knew I had to write this monster blog, so they thought I would be busy. Well, I guess I am. I will definitely feel fresher for work tomorrow.
3) I am watching pre-game, where I was happy to see that at least Brett Favre makes fun of himself in telling other players to retire. That is funny.
4) It is a lot of fun seeing the networks talk about the cold weather Super Bowl and showing pictures of the Statue of Liberty and the Empire State Building. No one wants to talk about Jersey. NO one.
5) Doesn’t releasing the Super Bowl commercials online defeat the purpose of watching the actual game to SEE the commercials? I have not viewed any of them, but just heard.
6) Some of you might read my blog WHEN I take a day off when Mr. Royal covers. Some might actually miss me. Either way, just know my co-blogger has the exact same humor and I read his stuff knowing I am maximizing my time.
7) We say other countries watch the Super Bowl. I think they actually have two TV sets on in their room and are watching World Cup pre-tourney stuff.
8) I have another invention idea. Some type of lock mechanism for your fridge, so you can lock up sliced cheese when the partner takes a nap.
9) Only two slices eaten so far, but, like Maverick, “that’s RIGHT Ice, I AM dangerous.”
10) Roger Goodell says that the Skins’ name “honors” Native Americans. Just shut up and don’t add more playoff teams and I am happy.
11) I am pretty sure that the US Soccer team had a friendly. You old school readers know my absolute LOVE for “friendly’s.” Are they pretending to pretend to have an injury? Someone give me a flowchart so I can understand what I just said.
12) No offense to Zach Parise, but if HE is announced as the US Olympic captain, then things are not good on the US hockey front.
13) I received a text message today. It was from Blackjack Pizza on a new special. I receive texts from Lindsey and Blackjack Pizza. That is pretty much it.
14) I think that Tennessee switching from Adidas to Nike would be more exciting if the school was good at something these days.
15) Three fans this year are going to their 48th straight Super Bowl. What I wouldn’t give to have that free time, money over all of those years, and willingness to go back to Jersey.
16) …which is ironic because I head to Princeton in two weeks.
17) Lindsey and I like to stay at home here and there and play poker. I can’t decide which is more exciting…the card shuffler she got me for Christmas or her putting the hair band channel on in the background and hearing Vandenburg. Both were incredible.
18) She switches the hair station after about 3 songs of me belting out all of the lyrics.
19) The great thing about Syracuse-Duke being the game of the year is that there are MANY more of those to come. Nice that I went out to see it, but got to HEAR it when I woke up and it was an instant classic. Amazing game, and what makes games like Duke-UK back in 1992 is that there is no bitching about questionable calls.
20) Duke could have thrown it up after crossing midcourt and it would have gone in.
21) Watching Duke with no sound when you know Dick Vitale is ranting about them is kind of soothing however you look at it.
22) Listen. We know Bynum is hurt. We know he has off the court issues. BUT, the Pacers already HAVE a solid front court, and if the guy can be 20-30% of what he can be, then they are better for it. They are basically solidifying the one area the Heat already can’t match them in. It is what it is. They paid him $1 million, that is a joke in today’s salary market, and he IS 7’ with skills.
23) So, I made a Terrence Ross-college mistake a week ago in the blog, which one of my editors caught, and I therefore deleted (I never miscount hooks-if a number is missing, than it was deleted post writing). He then GAVE me a chance to put him in my blog by destroying Kennth Faried on a fast break. http://nba.si.com/2014/01/31/terrence-ross-dunk-kenneth-faried-raptors-nuggets/
24) Ohio State won the game between two teams I have no faith in come tourney time. They beat Wisconsin in the battle of “we don’t suck as much as Fillerbuster THINKS we do.”
25) I find it weird to say that I think I will miss David Stern.
26) I hear Jerry Sloan has been honored by the team and President. If some dude named MJ didn’t exist, that dude would have a couple rings and wouldn’t be getting shit faced with Dan Marino weekly.
27) I just “heard” he was doing it. I don’t have a lot of resources to confirm that.
28) Tiger is doing about average in Dubai. I expect articles about swing coaches any minute now on ESPN. I simply stare at the page while hitting “refresh.”
29) Amazing that the headline was that the Durant 30 point streak was over, but that the sub-headline was “OKC still wins.” OKC over the Pacers in 6 people. Lay your bets now. Odds are better.
30) Man U lost to some team for the first time ever and Barcelona was STUNNED this weekend. And you didn’t think I didn’t report on non World Cup soccer. I am a soccer reporting MACHINE.
31) They barely beat them, but I actually am impressed that a young UK team went TO Mizzou and beat them.
32) I am watching Vegas Vacation while writing this, between pre game stuff. It is really funny. Why Vegas, V? More because I don’t know how to work my Direct TV yet. Give me some time. I know the low 200’s (ESPN channels). It has only been four months.
33) It seems like Stephen Curry having 44 and 8 three points seems just “usual” these days.
34) The media didn’t report that Derrick Rose was getting closer to returning to practice. Tom Thibodeau did. Now I hate THAT guy too. Dammit.
35) I passed on some bets to a better buddy. My “really like” column went 4-3, while my “kind of like” column went 8-1. I might have learned something from this in case I EVER put my hat back in the ring, which I won’t. Fun to talk about though.
36) One of my strongest bets was Baylor plus 11 at Oklahoma State. Baylor actually won the damn thing, meaning we know less about both teams than the minimal information we had BEFOREHAND.
37) Browns hire Kyle Shanahan as their new OC. Well, they DID pull a big name that people didn’t have to Google. Good job, Cleveland.
38) If NFL personnel is analyzing ALL northern cities right now trying to figure out who might be the next candidate, I am so not surprised that Denver has snow this weekend so the rest of the world thinks that it snows here like all the time.
39) The Jets brass has told Geno Smith to ACT like a Jet. No one is really sure whether they are telling him to be more idiotic or less idiotic.
40) I think I found my place in Uptown Denver. I had to fight a bunch of veterans hitting on in a friendly way on Lindsey, but it is a dive, it has a pool table, and I am in. I have already told Lindsey that if I am not home that it may or may not be possible that I am there.
41) No Deadspins links again. Just read the freaking site. It is fantastic.
42) It looks like a high school gym rather than a collegiate one, but making a buzzer beater from 75 feet is badass WHEREVER it happened. http://www.sacbee.com/2014/02/02/6122056/watch-sacramento-states-amazing.html
43) I was going through the grocery store when Lindsey says “do you need any Pringles?” NO one “needs” Pringles. But, have you ever met ANYONE who DOESN’T like Pringles? Anyone?
44) Peyton wins his FIFTH MVP. That is great, and we may disregard the “legacy” talk, but if he doesn’t win tonight, his legacy isn’t questioned, but being the best ever WILL be. I could be a jerk and talk about Terry Bradshaw winning FOUR, but I don’t roll like that.
45) O’s re-up Chris Davis. If you hit 53 HR’s and bring in 153 ribbies, I assume SOMEONE is going to pay you SOMETHING.
46) I won’t go about it like Warren Sapp, but I am KIND of in the boat that Michael Strahan might not deserve the HOF. That being said, if he WAS on the cusp, then winning two SB’s kind of pushed him over the edge. Overall decency, no greatness.
47) And we have a punter in the HOF. Badass. Now, let’s get Reggie Roby in there, dammit.
48) Kirk Cousins says he is open to a trade. That makes sense. He proved his worth during his sub times, and I hope he ends up better than Matt Cassel.
49) I personally found that Cassel joke funny. Not quite the same parallel, but it works.
50) I AM having a Super Bowl party. My little sister I never had and fellow worker, Kaytie, is coming over to join Lindsey and I and I am pretty sure all I heard was that “I am bringing deviled eggs,” which might be the greatest invention by man besides Velcro.
51) Faber lost in UFC last night, meaning I am down to about 3 guys I actually recognize in UFC.
52) The Giants owner is already talking about hosting another Super Bowl. Let’s see how this one goes, ok? It IS Jersey, got it?
53) If you didn’t think Arizona wasn’t a trap game, raise your hand.
54) Raise them again. I can’t count that fast.
55) Lindsey and I went to Bed Bath and Beyond to get a sound machine since the fan tunnel was drying our throats. I said we could look for dining room tables too because I thought that was covered in “beyond.”
56) John Fox will earn an extra million for winning Super Bowl. That sounds about right.
57) Trace McGrady might make a comeback. In baseball. Apparently he throws 90 MPH. Reminds me of the UVA offensive tackle who was an All American who I watched drain 11 straight three’s back in the day. And I thought I was an athlete.
58) UVA did everything in its power to lose today versus Pitt. A magical three, B level announcers, Toby’s skyhook, Tony Bennett being the best looking coach in college basketball, Jamie Dixon’s shameless comb back do, and all is good.
59) A Lakers security guard was busted for stealing all of their championship rings. Dibs to him beating whatever backpack testing system they have, and also for selling the gift certificates before being busted. At least he has cash in the bank after getting out in 180 days.
60) Speaking of Horseshoe Lounge, their sister bar is Jonesy’s Bar at 20th and Logan. Ask for Ashley, and tell them you were sent for the fat free bacon-cheese fries.
61) I now will try hot sauce on mashed potatoes. It tasted delicious on my turkey sliders WITH mashed potatoes. Hot sauce makes everything better. Got it?
62) The Heat beat the Knicks at MSG. Nice win, and imagine how good the Heat could be if they weren’t LAST in NBA offensive rebounding. They are last. Feel free to check me.
63) How do I have six apps on my Droid and my phone STILL goes dead after 4 freaking hours?
64) Another reason I am glad I don’t bet anymore is that GTown took down Michigan State yesterday.
65) Another reason I am glad I don’t bet is that SMU destroyed Memphis.
66) Does anyone else get confused on Friday’s and Sunday’s when they show a women’s college score and go “WHOA.”
67) I hear Mr. Hoffman died today in his bathtub with a needle in his arm. We have learned that doing heroin in any capacity is NOT good, and we now question what the next Hunger Games will entail.
68) Is Cincy really 10-0 in conference play? I don’t know what conference they are in these days, but that is still good.
69) Rondo is both intrigued by free agency and what the definition of a rebuilding project is.
70) Lance Stephenson is mad at being snubbed for the ASG. A square is a rectangle, a rectangle is not a square, and I thought he just mad all the time.
71) I am not sure what that last hook means. I just like making the square-rectangle reference. Sometimes it applies, sometimes it doesn’t.
72) Final prediction. Sticking to my original prediction. 28-20 Donkeys. With SEVEN Broncos interceptions/ sacks. Fantasy stuff.
73) How come Kirk Heinrich doesn’t have a go to move like the UTEP-Two Step? We could call it the Heinrich Manuever.
74) I think I cared more about hockey before they made these new divisions. Even Lindsey comments on how I don’t watch pretty much ANY games these days. METROPOLITAN?????
75) Glad Schumacher is out of his coma. Thoughts and prayers.
76) I have added a movie to the list of “movies that I can’t turn off for some reason” when it is on. Hot Tub Time Machine.
77) The soundtrack is pretty much amazing.
78) Don’t know who Max Wittek is? You will. He is transferring from USC and can play immediately as he is already graduated.
79) I just saw a commercial for a new movie for Liam Neeson> Non-Stop. Does he think it is still the 80’s?
80) Before you think this might NOT be the worst free throw attempt ever, know that it is. AND it is by Tony Parker. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HOPWzGoB6Cs
81) Hey, Mr. Oilers goalie. 59 saves is a LOT. Noted.
82) If my colleague, Dan, wouldn’t have mistakenly sent the invite email to our accounting department, I would be firmly in the control seat for $500. But he DID. And some chick from accounting will beat me today unless those 7 int’s happen.
83) It happened outside of my company meeting. I actually saw a person draped in velvet on the street. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=imgGyD6waTA
84) I heard there might be a Seinfeld reunion. Don’t tease me. In the same day, can we get a Winger reunion also????
85) So, LaMarcus Aldridge is in the mix for the NBA MVP, but he can’t be voted on the ASG starting squad?? Non sequitur.
86) NASCAR has changed its format. As soon as I understand the old format, I will give you a flow chart of the new rules.
87) Lindsey is now playing Sugar Mash/ Candy Crush because she knows my brother is ahead of her in levels. Noted, Matt.
88) I just rolled over on the couch watching pregame and they did a what did the fox say remake. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=puHK73fMXmQ
89) I like Peyton. Touchdown ducks. That is funny.
90) Colin Kaepernick. Stop bitching about Richard Sherman. Sounds like sour grapes and you ruined my Super Bowl picks, so I am angry also.
91) I am angry a lot I guess though.
92) In case you care, the ape that has picked 6 consecutive Super Bowl winners has picked the Seahawks to win today. I don’t care. But I am a reporting tool.
93) Is there a way to get the full text conversation between Incognito and Martin? I do have occasional free time.
94) When a player that is par like Michael Young retires, I don’t know what I feel. Do they even to announce it? I guess that is kind of rude.
95) Dammit. Lindsey commented on how long I have been blogging, but I just realized we an hour from kickoff. We are going to speed version. I also just realized I am at 95 hooks. I have some serious problems.
96) Does Morgan Freeman do like every other commercial? Does he even need money for movies these days?
97) Whether you think he is a thug or not, Richard Sherman is very smart. Just saying.
98) Just noting this for next year’s Christmas time, and speaking of Sherman, I would like some Beats headphones, along with a 1995 wool like Structure sweater.
99) Eleanor is struggling, but she never stalls in the snow. She loves the snow. She was born to drive in the snow. Cue Seinfeld. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r_YlS3SLoz8
100) It is sad that Pittsburgh is out of the NFL playoffs, but glad to know someone in Pittsburgh is making people feel good. http://usnews.nbcnews.com/_news/2014/01/29/22498554-happy-meal-toy-was-heroin-sold-at-mcdonalds-drive-through-police-say
101) I would love to update you on how good Blacklist, The Following, and Men At Work were this week, but my schedule has been full.
102) Does anyone else try to misspell a word in Microsoft and get curious on how it corrects some words but not others?
103) I wonder if the woman who ate 363 wings the other day is ordering a salad for today’s Super Bowl.
104) Hey, Seahawks fan. Jason Terry tatting champions on his arm was cool because he actually could do it. YOU doing it is just stupid.
105) Can someone update me on the Aaron Hernandez situation and remind me how many people he has killed?
106) Don’t worry, NJ. The white powder around the Super Bowl is harmless.
107) Freaking Jersey. You just don’t even know where to start your jokes. I am allowed to post pics on weekend rants, but I have too big of list, so just imagine a picture of a Jersey girl below with her hair in a little ring that is impervious to wind, snow, and human contact.
108) Roger Goodell will evaluate medical marijuana. I think that means I should just send Marcus Vick to pick him up right now.
109) I am glad that Fred Couples is doing well in golf. The fact that he made the cut and had to miss the Super Bowl makes me question stuff. You could have missed a putt, Fred. You could have faked it. Sponsor would have liked you in Jersey also.
110) At my company meeting, they awakened me to 212 degrees. I am mad I didn’t think of such a simple concept, but I will admit it is motivating as hell and I feel like running through a wall right after watching it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uRDNLTMaZqo
111) How the HELL did Joe Johnson make the ASG? Seriously. HOW? 14.98 PER should get you NOTHING in accolades.
112) UK just pulled a five start recruit from Bama. Someone go outside and see if there is a meteor shower. I am busy.
113) I admit that I know nothing about FB except for what Lindsey tells me. I am a Twitter junkie and my only concern is that Instagram overtakes it.
114) Vince. You are the man. Truly. Friend, mentor, and a guy I would run through a wall for. Great to see you this past week and sorry we didn’t have more time to chat.
115) The funniest headline I saw all week was “skydiver overtakes Woods and McIlroy.” Google it. It was fun briefly.
116) The Rams owner has bought land in L.A. It doesn’t help the apathy of the fans there, but they DO have the numbers.
117) Kyrie Irving says he wants to remain a Cavalier. I would HATE to play poker with that guy.
118) The Nets will go after Durant after his contract. The sky is blue, the grass is green, and everyone and their mother will be going after Durant.
119) Why does Word indent more after #100?
120) He is an idiot, but this crossover and dunk are just plain sick. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/01/31/jr-smith-crossover-dunks-cavs-knicks_n_4702236.html
121) That is it. 3:28. I have been writing for 2.5 hours. I love this shit. Have a great Super Bowl, and go Broncos (defense). Will I blog tomorrow? That is a CLOWN question, bro. Peace.