Mr. Royal covers today. Enjoy his version of an airplane rant…which everyone should experience DOING.
First Class Airplane Rant, Royal Style (which is the middle seat in coach btw)
1. First and foremost, if you’ve ever been the middle seat in coach on any flight that lasts more than an hour, you FULLY get the Seinfeld episode where Jerry is up in First Class while Elaine suffers through coach. Funny stuff, one of my favorite episodes ever.
2. Did I just copy Filler by both: a) making a Seinfeld reference, and b) doing an airplane rant? Yup. I mean, that’s kind of his thing, right?
3. Checking in from 20,000 feet (or however high airplanes fly these days) enroute to what will likely be the last game I ever see Derek Jeter play in person.
4. Anyone who reads my stuff on this site knows I try not to cover/talk about my own teams (except when it comes to bashing the Knicks because it’s funny). I mean, for god’s sake UCONN won a national championship this year, and the Rangers are a game away the Stanley Cup Finals and I still haven’t written about either in any great depth
5. P.S. Filler, I will likely be gone all next weekend again if the Rangers make it to the Finals. Right now the schedule likely puts the Blueshirts with a home game for game 3 or 4 on Friday, Saturday, or Sunday depending on how quick it ends in the West (and if we can beat the Habs tonight).
6. Speaking of, how bipolar have the goaltenders in this year’s playoffs been? Crawford gave up 3 goals in the first period in game 4, 4 in less than two periods in game 5, and then shutout the LA Kings the rest of the way. Lunqvist played so badly last night and in Game 6 of the Philly series he’s been pulled twice in postseason play. Quick has been inconsistent, and as soon as you think this Tokarski kid for the Habs is gonna fill in just fine for Price he gives up the softest stuff. You can cue up the video of Tuuka Rask losing his mind in goal and slamming his stick on things whenever you want.
7. How dope is it that there’s wifi on airplanes now? Technology baffles me. I don’t get it. Is the Apple iCloud an actual cloud? Maybe that’s why we have wifi up here!
8. Back to Jeter, there will be a long, sentimental post I write about him that no one will read except for Logan when I’ve come to grips with the fact that he’s actually going to be gone. I also just hate that by no fault of his own, this whole year for us fans is about him leaving and it’s just *sniffle* really emotional
9. The woman next to me is watching Entertainment Tonight on her 5 inch airplane TV. Is that like, what sports is to me and Filler for certain people? Because I’d rather smash my face into a car windshield than watch ten minutes of that crap.
10. Now I can’t stop looking over there though because there’s a lot of really hot chicks on that show!
11. Ok, time to get a handle on my ADD and crank out some hooks
12. Filler, I wish we live-blogged/journaled last night’s Heat/Pacers’ game because I was more angry at that sporting event than I’ve been since watching, well any game in which Andrea Bargnani has worn a Knicks’ uniform.
13. Positives from last night’s game: Hurricane Steve, Paul George, Rashard Lewis (I cannot BELIEVE I just said that!)
14. Negatives from last night’s game: anything else
15. Seriously, one of the worst basketball game I’ve ever seen. Lebron was awful, Wade underachieved after taking a step forward, Bosh blew the game at the end, Hill took a great start to the game and called it a night and almost blew it for Indy, Hibbert fell down from marginal contact/uncoordination more times than points he scored, I could go all day
16. By the way Chris Breezy, bank shot threes shouldn’t count. We shouldn’t even call them “bank shot threes.” They’re lucky air balls. That’s what they are. You missed so badly that your shot careened wildly off the backboard and in. Clown city.
17. Frank Vogel I’ve never been more convinced that you’re a bad coach than I was last night. On what planet do you live in that Paul George is guarding Norris Cole down the stretch in an elimination game? In what world do you live in that George Hill is a better defender for Dwayne Wade than George when Lebron is on the bench!? By the way, what’s your offensive gameplan? Do you even have one? Because right now I see two guards dribble up court, pass it back and forth until there’s five seconds left on the shot clock and David west sets a high screen and takes a contested long two-pointer.
18. Paul George said last night Frank Vogel “gave me the green light” when George took over the game. Great coaching. “Hey Paul, I’m gonna be honest here. I’m totally lost, Lebron is coming back in, and you need to drop like 20 more points to give us even a chance to close this thing out ok?”
19. I texted filler before the game that I wasn’t worried at all about my Pacers in 7 prediction. Somehow, after a home game win the Pacers convinced me I was wrong. That’s how bad they were, thats how bad Miami was, that’s how bad that game was.
20. Also, wanting to toot my own horn at everyone who jumped all over my Thunder over Spurs pick. But I shall resist.
21. Saying Serge Ibaka is the MVP of these playoffs is preposterous. Is he crucial to the Thunder’s success? Absolutely. X-Factor? You bet. But the fact that Durant and Westbrook need more than just the two of them doesn’t make them any less the MVP’s of that team.
22. Oh and Russell Westbrook is the MVP of these playoffs with an honorable mention to Lebron. Just look at the numbers folks, and watch him play defense.
23. Josh Beckett threw a no-hitter and Hyun-Jian Ryu took a perfect game into the 8th the next night. You add any half-decent game from Kershaw and you’re up 3-0 in any playoff series against anyone if we’re talking October.
24. It’s still too early for me to make my World Series predictions (I usually wait for the All-Star Break), but I’m gonna throw some teams out there in no particular order that have caught my eye: Dodgers, Blue Jays, Tigers, Cardinals, and Athletics. It’s called pitching, folks.
25. The Red Sox went from the Bobby Valentine year to a World Series back to sucking again this year. I don’t get Boston baseball. Never have, never will. I feel like no matter how much or how little talent they have they are fueled by emotion and energy and momentum and all those intangibles.
26. People hating on Johnny Manziel for no reason continues to add fuel to my, “I think I like Johnny Football” fire.
27. It’s Hoyer’s job until they start 0-3 and hit their BYE week. That starting schedule is rough, son
28. I’m not hopping off the bandwagon just yet, but I think we may have jumped the gun on the whole Aaron Rodgers is the best quarterback in football thing after that Super Bowl a few years ago. Watching him on a team once-rich with receiving threats coming off that collarbone stuff this year is going to be very telling
29. Parity in the NFL is always the big calling card for “football is the best sport” guy. Look at recent Super Bowl winners. Packers have been underwhelming at times since their win,the Giants were marginal after their last one and they were TURRIBLE last year, and the Ravens are marginal. I think the Seahawks have the best shot since the Pats to be that team that wins a few in a short period of time.
30. Mike Pouncey, stop being dumb. It’s overwhelming how stupid you are.
31. On America’s “most-hated” list, Donald Sterling came in first, Aaron Hernandez came in 7th, and Justin Bieber came in 5th. Do whatever you want with that information.
32. Apparently former Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer has agreed to buy the Clippers for $2 billion. Thank you airplane WiFi, you magical creation I will never understand.
33. Wait, TWO BILLION DOLLARS!? Are the clippers literally worth four times as much as the Bucks (recently sold for $550 million)?
34. But apparently sources close to Sterling still claim he won’t sell the team even for $2 billion because he is “being a troll.” Ok, so maybe I made that up. But seriously, he won’t sell, and he’s being a troll.
35. The Donald Sterling Thought Process:
“Rawr rawr, blah blah, blacks and Mexicans suck, blah blah” ->
“No comment” ->
“OK let’s do a real long interview with Anderson Cooper” ->
“Adam Silver did what he had to do, I’m not mad at him. I’m real sorry everyone. I’m gonna cooperate with the league. I’m not a racist. The media makes me look so bad!” ->
“But Magic Johnson sucks so hard though!” ->
“I’m not selling this team, and I’m not paying that fine!” ->
“OK my wife can sell the team”->
“Just kidding! Screw everyone, I’ll never sell! I’ll run the team into the ground until I die!” ->
“I’m tired! I want my blanky and a warm glass of milk!”
36. Fun fact, the whole cell phones somehow interfere with planes thing is all B.S. Don’t really get why they keep changing the rules on it. Make up your minds and don’t even bother explaining. We’ve been pretending to go along with it for years anyways.
37. I would never pay $100 more for first class, but I might pay $50 more to guarantee that I wouldn’t have to hear kids talk/cry throughout my whole flight. Talk quieter kid, no one cares what you’re saying. Not even your mommy, she just wants to sleep too
38. Note to self: clearly not ready for kids
39. This rant was probably 5 hooks too long.
40. Jeter you better be in the damn lineup tomorrow night… I can’t keep flying to NY for you