Man who catch fly with chopstick accomplish anything…

Read it, don’t read it, I don’t care…just needed to get some things off my chest.

In no particular order of chronology or importance…

Kind of on the clock.  Not in a rush, but don’t want to sit here all Saturday night either…

Let’s turn and burn.

1)  Just when I thought my Rant Squad was in hiding at Superman’s Fortress of Solitude or had suddenly become good people, Ron Artest/ Metta World Peace comes to the rescue.  When asked who he thought was the smartest Laker, Ron calmly said “Steve Nash is the smartest Laker because he is white.”  Ron/ Metta, I love you, man.  I never want to even TRY and understand the thought process that goes on in that noggin of yours, but I love you nevertheless.

2)  Lindsey informed me the mother of MMA fighter Jon Jones is blind.  Pretty cool story actually.  I want to record the person next to her who gives her updates on his fights.  “Elbow to head, kick to body, elbow to head, kick to head, man down, fight is over.”

3)  Does anyone else just feel GOOD that Rasheed Wallace is back in the NBA and on the dysfunctional Knicks?  I don’t know how I even survived the last two years without his classic temper tantrums.  Dude is like a 7 foot tall baby.  As far as what he accomplished, he is like Derrick Coleman…with a ring.

4)  The Steelers need to pick it up, and I am SO glad to have Harrison and Polamalu back in the lineup.  Shhhh.  Don’t tell anyone.  In fantasy football, I actually have TWO defenses, which is odd of course.  I picked up Houston’s D for the bye week, but am hanging on to them until the Steelers start averaging more than 6 freaking points a game.

5)  THIS, sent to me by my buddy and sometimes amateur comedian, Dave, is AWESOME.

5a)  Don’t read anymore until you read that link.

5b)  Seriously, I am not starting writing again until you read it.

5c)  Thank you.  Funny, right?

5d)  Dave doing Arnold Schwarzenegger going through a Taco Bell drive thru is beyond funny.

5e)  There was this other amateur comedian that competed against Dave that was funny too.  He had the classic joke that won’t be as funny writing it.  “I got a new roommate.  He is the guy from Creed.  It is very frustrating living with him.  I come home and say “Hey, Creed guy, is the laundry done?”  “Yeah (sung).”  “Hey Creed guy.  Is the trash out?”  “Yeah (sung).””

6)  I just watched WVA’s Tavon Austin SMOKE the Texas defense on a 4th and 4.  Check that dude for nitrous or jet packs.  It is not like Texas, no matter HOW much in transition they are, is a directional school with slow recruits.

7)  Talk about someone’s marketing teams being slow.  My favorite magazine by FAR was Sporting News.  It blows away ESPN Mag if you want more stats and less articles ( I am mathematical and shallow-what can I say).  It stopped being published for some odd reason last October.  When I was about to write this hook, I pulled this link off the internet.  So, I get all of this useless mail every single day, and no one thought to let their most loyal reader know about this???

8)  I am quirky.  I have weird humor.  I have NO idea why I love this commercial so much, but I do.

9)  Is it bad that Fargo was on the other day when I was hanging with Lindsey, and all I wanted to do was see how far away the wood chipping scene was?

10)  One of the best teams in the MLB was the Rangers this year.  It is kind of weird to me, especially after their runs in the last two years, that they are OUT.  Hey, Texas fans.  You do NOT live in Philadelphia, who COULD get away with booing Mike Schmidt back in the day.  You booed a guy you are going to have to fight to keep in Josh Hamilton.  If he was straddling the fence, you just helped push him the other way.  He even quoted the bible when asked about it.  He quoted the Book of Matthew if you care.

“If they don’t receive you in a town,” Hamilton said, “shake the dust off your feet and move to the next.”

He didn’t get you a championship, but I wonder now who are the bigger idiots.  The booing Rangers fans or the bottle throwing Braves fans.

10a)  Texas was THIRTEEN games up at one point.  THIRTEEN.  They relinquished the lead on the FINAL day of the season.

10b) If you would have told me that the O’s and A’s would both be in the playoffs before this season, I would have asked the bartender to cut you off.

11)  I want someone to walk with in the Race for the Cure tomorrow morning (not like I won’t do it anyway though).  Locals, give me a ring if you are doing it.

12)  Wow.  People crack me up.  I would have never seen this hardcore-ness in speedskating.  A dude “tampered with the opponent’s skate,”  and then blamed his coach, saying he made him do it.

What are you?  The speedskating version of Cobra Kai?  Were you going to sweep the leg if tampering didn’t work because your coach forced you to?

13)  I hear that Tony La Russa says he LOVES this one and done format of the playoffs this year.  Hey, Tony.  Did retiring on top suddenly give you the right to brief us with your opinion on every baseball issue as a deity, or are you just lonely?

14)  OK.  I might have to check out more songs by these guys.  My old manager at the bar, Kyle, was in charge of keeping me hip to new songs I might like, and now I live downtown and he has an wife and adorable kid.  I am learning the new hip rock songs thing on my own.  It is hard.  Anyway, here is the song.  The ONLY thing I don’t like about it is that the guitar riff that is played at the 2:07 spot (exactly) should…well, just be played through the WHOLE song.  It is tight.

15)  Wow.  South Carolina/ Georgia is about a quarter in, and it is already 21-0 Gamecocks.  Righteous.  Watch your ass, Bama.

16)  Is it bad that I LOVE when washed up, underachieving athletes get into trouble?  Where is ex NFL running back Larry Johnson you ask?  I guess jail.  He just got busted for choking his ex-girlfriend.  Were you transferring the overall career choke that you did in the NFL to another person?  Kind of like the sports version of Fallen (that joke is REACHING)?  Waste of supreme athletic talent.

16a)  AND ruined a couple of my fantasy teams.

17)  Hey, Michael Phelps.  You KNOW you made a long putt (talked about yesterday in rant) when no one can decide how long it actually was.  I have seen 153, 157, and 159.  The odd number incline reminds me of either the Miami, FL college football or the San Antonio Spurs basketball championships.  Yes, I reach for my jokes somehow, but that is honestly how I remember what years those teams won.

18)  Home field advantage is as important in baseball.  It is not like winning home field advantage in the NFL.  This brings along two ideas.  Anyone else notice that BOTH wildcard teams that were away WON?  And, this makes it very scary for the favorites in the actual series starting on the road in their series.  What a stupid format.

19)  I know I am getting older when I go get a haircut, get a hairdresser who is like 21, and when I ask for a “Clooney,”  I A) get odd looks B) realize that it has been like 20 years since ER was on the air with him.

20)  I complained about my apartment’s water pressure.  They replaced the nozzle.  It is badass.  Not like Kramer’s Commando, but still pretty awesome.  For your enjoyment:

21a)  Don’t skip.  Hit that link.  It is funny.

22)  Geez, Northwestern football.  EVERYONE gets excited that you smart kids get nationally ranked, and then you drop the ball.  I don’t know what the stats are, but every time I personally remember, you lose as soon as you are ranked.  Kiss of death.

22a)  It was Penn State, minus like 12 of their projected starters due to transfer.  Really?

22b)  On a serious note, congrats to Penn State for winning 4 straight and truly making a statement that you will rebound.  Nice for those kids.

23)  I hear the Sandusky jurors hope he gets a life sentence.  Not to sound harsh, but I vote for death penalty.  Get that slime off this earth.

23a)  I didn’t really mean that.  I got caught up in the moment of writing his wretched, sickening name.

24)  My thoughts and prayers go out to the family of Ronald Rouse.  He is a high school football player who died after making a tackle in the first half of a game.  The game continued as it should, but kudos to the powers that be for cancelling the game after word came in that he died.

25)  El Tigre heads to Turkey for a golf event.  Never mind.  I had a hook for this, but I am still getting flack for my Sam Hurd hook a couple days ago.  This one would have been bad.  Moving on.

26)  Kudos to Chipper Jones, who was classy after the infield fly rule loss.  He said they lost because of the 3 errors (one by him), and not because of the shady call.  Look up “classy” in the dictionary.  His picture is right by it.

27)  MMA fighter Jeremy Stephens got arrested yesterday.  BEFORE his fight that night.  That is incredible.  I am sending Rant Squad scouts to you as we speak.  Even though I prefer to have Rant Squad members in more mainstream sports, I am asking you to go buy some guns, drink some Mad Dog, and go to a strip club.

27a)  Yes, I will send Marcus Vick to pick you up, as I am not supposed to ROOT for DUI’s.  He is free tonight.

28)  I am still watching some of the WVA/ Texas game in between the South Carolina/ Georgia game.  Geno Smith is not throwing 3 touchdowns today, and we are all confused as to how the Texas line is getting pressure on him.  Little harder than Baylor, I assume, Geno.

29)  After you read this rant, go google “jarvis jones spinal.”  The kid is now an All American for UGA, and it is a great story of will.

30)  Notre Dame is switching QB’s this week…VERY last minute.  They are an odd story this year.  They are WINNING, but still can’t decide on a QB.  The benching was for a violation of team rules, but both have played in a lot of all their games.  Choose one, or you will have another mediocre season. Choose your destructor.

30a)  I LOVE that line.  Freaking Ghostbusters.

31)  He might be old, and some fans might be edgy, but if I am a Yankees fan, I am feeling pretty good that experienced Andy Pettite has been chosen to start Game 2 of their series.

32)  Terry Francona is rumored to going to the Indians.  First of all, don’t go back managing.  I enjoy you being an analyst.  Second, the Indians after the Red Sox?  Oh, I get it.  In addition to you being close to the owners, you want to be the guy who solved TWO baseball curses.  I like the plan, but being a person who recently made a trip to Cleveland, I say wait it out.

32a)  I think I would have liked Cleveland better had the Rock and Roll HOF been open after 6pm.  What is THAT about?

33)  Successful mission.  I wear shorts constantly, year round.  As long as no clients are coming in, and there is less than 2 inches of snow on the ground, I wear shorts and sandals.  Anyway, I went to my favorite place in the world, Old Navy, and got two pairs of shorts for $14 total.  Nice.  I now also own a pair of white cargo shorts.  I never had a white pair.  Odd.

34a)  I made the girl checking me out in line laugh.  I ended up being suckered into a puffy vest.  It was on a rack right as you came in the store, so I assume it is hip now.  I told her “if I would have known puffy vests would have made it back, I could have saved half of my outerwear from when I was ten.”  She also knew at that point that I was pushing 40.

34)  That is it.  I started out this rant thinking I would go to a free Bon Jovi concert.  After the new information about having to pick up tickets before 7, and with the first cold weekend being in Denver, suddenly I am pretty comfortable just flipping between two great football games, a baseball game, and hopefully Karate Kid, since I blogged about it and now really want to see the last scene (I purposely don’t own certain favorite movies since it is more exciting when they are on TV.  Karate Kid,.  Rocky IV.).  Thanks for reading.  Will I blog tomorrow?  That is a CLOWN question, bro.

34a)  Actually, that is just my tag line (via Bryce Harper via my brother).  I have to be walking 5k at 8am, and then my Steelers are on at 11.  I will be taking the day off.  Talk to you Monday.

34a)  Speaking of Karate Kid, one of my FAVORITE things is the fact that my girl has THIS as my ringtone:  Sometimes when I want to hear the song, I just call her if I am with her.

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