It puts the lotion in the basket…

Read it, don’t read it, I don’t care…just needed to get some things off my chest.

In no particular order of chronology of importance…

No clock tonight.  I have a MLB playoff game starting, I have no plans, and looking at my legal pad list, I have a good amount of stuff to say.

Let’s turn and burn.

1)  The Cardinals win the one game playoff against the Braves.  I don’t think I have ever seen a “protested” game, and definitely not a playoff one.  With runners on 1st and 2nd with one out in the 8th down three runs, the ump called an infield fly rule 40 feet out of the infield on a dropped ball due to miscommunication with the Cardinals players involved.  Yes, you can call that rule out of the infield, and it has to be an immediate call.  I think the rule is useful, I understand its purpose of not using a dropped ball to get runners to go, but I absolutely disagree with the call.  Unfortunately, with all of the fancy replay stuff going on in the MLB today, that is one play you CAN’T overturn.  I think the ump’s arm went up a little too late also.  So, with the odds of MLB overturning it at about 5%, the Cards advance.  It sucks, as bases loaded with one out in the 8th down 3 runs is a whole hell of a lot different than runners at 1st and 2nd with 2 outs.

1a)  The fact that St. Louis plays its next two games at home is ridiculous.  They go from BARELY in the playoffs to a defending champion that might be up 2-0 on the Nationals before anyone even blinks.

1b)  Did you see how FAST Braves skipper Gonzalez saw the call?  His players were still celebrating the dropped ball by the time he was half way to third base to protest.  Smart guy.

1c)  Thanks, MLB, for scheduling the beginning of that game while normal people are still working.

1d)  I might watch one complete game during the season.  I watch every possible inning of playoff baseball.  Sorry, Lindsey.

1e)  I don’t care if replay showed Chipper Jones got away with a bad call.  I think it is cool as shit that he got a hit in his last AB before he rides off into the sunset towards Cooperstown.

1f)  Nice to know that Philly fans have throwing snowballs at Santa Clause, San Fran fans will always have the battery thing, and now Braves fans will be all about bottles in their embarrassment.  Being pissed off is fine.  Throwing shit is just dumb.

2)  Glad to know people have goals…and evidently can’t multitask.  THIRD string Ohio State QB Cardale Jones tweeted that “classes are pointless.”  Go back to practicing to stop being third string, and keep your thoughts to yourself, kid.  I guess it will be easier since coincidentally your Twitter account is suddenly closed.  I guess you will have to yell dumb shit out your dorm window from here out like an angry Rocky Balboa.  Is OSU recruiting class kids these days, or WHAT?  The hits just keep on coming.

3)  Crazy day at the Dunhill links today.  They had a Pro-Am round today.  Michael Phelps made a 153 eagle putt and a dog ran up and stole in mid roll a putt by Paul Casey.  Not only that…those guys were in the SAME group.

4)  The NFL has decided to tack on three more games on the suspension of Broncos LB DJ Williams.  Might as well.  Anyone who gets busted WHILE on a six game suspension should be kept off the street AND field as long as possible.  I hear he is just making sure people don’t think he is a role model.  I personally think that he believes he has a chance at my Rant Squad.  Bro, you need more than that, or more creativity.  I have scouts watching you, but Marcus Vick is not picking you up for your interview any time soon.  Go to a strip club and make the Fillerbuster proud.

5)  The Steelers stars are back.  Maybe they won’t be 100%, but my boys’ defense is very par without the presence of Troy Polamalu on the field.

6)  The Oakland A’s are giving the Game 1 playoff series pitching nod to a rookie.  Might as well.  You aren’t supposed to be here, should have wilted about 20 games ago, are young as hell, are paying no high salaries, so why NOT start someone who SHOULD be scared.  It just makes sense.  Not a lot of people AREN’T rooting for you.

7)  VERY cool of Green Bay coach Mike McCarthy for calling the replacement ref who blew the call against Seattle. No word on whether he threatened his life or cussed him out, but we will just stick with “that he CALLED him.”

8)  I love Giants defensive player Osi Umenyiora.  He is always talking with SOMEONE.  He is presently talking, through the media of course, shit to Trent Richardson about his comments the other day.  Osi.  Bro.  The dude might be a rookie and you want to rattle his cage, but I read the quote, and all he said is if they do THIS, then he feels he might run successfully.  What is wrong with that?  He wasn’t calling your mom an astronaut.

8a)  Kudos to whoever got the astronaut joke without looking it up.

9)  Serves me right.  I bragged to the few friends I have about me picking up WR Danny Amendola two weeks ago in my fantasy league.  He makes the catch of the year on one of the first plays, and then injures himself and is out 6 weeks before HALFTIME.

9a)  I love the passion and knowledge of their body by professional athletes.  He stormed into locker room with trainers, and threw his helmet against the wall.  Why is this ok?  Because he didn’t need to see an MRI result to know something was terribly wrong, yet was walking like a normal person would.  Those guys are tough.

9b)  If you live in a bubble and HAVEN’T seen the catch, here it is:

10)  HERE we go.  Pandora’s Box.  Slippery Slope.  Whatever you want to call it.  In the first story of MANY to come, the league is looking into comments by Titans coaches about referring to being tough, Gator trucks (that is what they bring hurt football players on), and not “fretting consequences.”  Dude, you are the first of many to be regulated.  The league I hear is bringing Warren G to the Super Bowl to perform.  Bountygate is not dead, people.  Just different suspects now.

11)  I have mentioned this before.  I KIND of liked Tosh.O before meeting Lindsey.  It is a compromise from my sports and her “shows.”  I have to admit.  The dude is utterly hilarious.  I am telling you THIS.  You DON’T have time to go online every day and find all of the funny stuff on the net.  He is COMPRESSING it for you into 30 minutes.  He is doing you a FAVOR.  Watch it.  Also, when he makes a sports joke, it is not a mainstream one.  It shows he knows his shit.

11a)  Lindsey told me to compile my best hooks over the last month before I email him my link.  I can’t do that.  A rant is a rant.  Compiling would ruin the stream of consciousness style, which I don’t foresee changing anytime soon unless Chris Berman calls me asking me to.  No greatest hits, although it DOES make more sense.  This is my release from working 65 hours a week.  Moving on.

I am not commenting on any of these.  They speak for themselves.

11b)  I was listening to a radio station the other day.  It was a show trying to stump the DJ.  A guy calls in and asks whether kangaroos can jump backwards.  They can’t.  The DJ asks where the listener heard THAT one.  He says Daniel Tosh.  The funniest part of the story is that when the DJ went to check him on Google, he said that Tosh actually pulled up BEFORE the answer to the question.

12)  The grass is green, the sky is blue, and the Red Sox fire Bobby Valentine.  A little word of advice, Bobby.  Mess with your players.  Ok.  You are the boss, and they are young talented cornerstones.  Mess with your coaches?  You will piss off old schoolers.  Evidently, that is what you did.  Go back across the ocean.  Maybe the only reason you had a job over there was because they didn’t understand what the hell you were saying.

12a)  Because they don’t understand English.

13)  The NHL cancelled the first two weeks of their regular season yesterday.  Ok.  Everyone just take a breath.  Listen, guys, why don’t you pick a date to give all of us hope, and then roll out your tentative modified schedule?  That will make it LOOK like there is a chance, make you look a little organized, and maybe keep interested the 30% of your fans who had just started straddling the fence since your LAST lockout.  For a league struggling to go mainstream, you sure do pull a Plaxico (ok, that joke would have worked better if Plaxico had shot himself in the foot as opposed to his leg-should I do a “leg” cliche?  No?  ok.).

13a)  Chris Pronger is HEALTHY.  Dammit.

14)  He is CHEATING.  He HAS to be.  John Calipari and Kentucky went from unranked in recruiting rankings (glad to know that Florida was #1 up to this point) to #1 after landing the #1 PG and the #1 SG in the land.  Two twins from Texas.  What the HELL is Rick Barnes doing, and how the hell do they go to Kentucky?  By the way, if they are twins and play two different positions, I assume ONE of them is a tweener.  Is the PG guy tall, or is the SG guy short?  I am taking a break to call Jack Handy.

15)  TEBOW news.  Because although I hate the movement in general and him, it is SO much refreshing to be 2000 miles away from it.  Rex Ryan says that Tebow is NOT unhappy for not getting as much playing time as we expected, and Mark Sanchez says he “doesn’t feel threatened” by Tebow.  You guys just keep reading from cue cards, wait for the storm to come, and freaking enjoy it.  I know I am now.

16)  I am a James Patterson fan.  He writes books about lots of things, but used to specialize in serial killers, which is my thing.  I have told you.  If I could actually kill someone (or a small animal), I would EXCELLENT at killing and getting away with it.  Luckily, like a geometry proof, that is not part of the “given.”  Anyway, I hear there is a new movie coming out with Alex Cross, his main character.  I know that Morgan Freeman is old, but did you all forget the success of Kiss the Girls, and THAT is why you didn’t name it on ONE of his books?  Cat and Mouse?  The Big Bad Wolf?  Four Blind Mice?  Jack and Jill?  Come on.  Is this based off of I, Alex Cross, but you felt embarrassed naming a movie that way?

17)  Lol.  I love Shaq and Charles Barkley.  Both say exactly what is on their mind, and sometimes twist it to piss someone off.  Shaq came out this week and said that Brook Lopez and Andrew Bynum are the best true centers out there right now in the NBA.  Dwight Howard has come out in the media and told him it is “time to move on.”  Ummm.  Dwight, he might be right.  He might be wrong.  But, he is paid to talk to the media about the NBA.  You won’t win this fight.  You got on a team that has a guy with 5 rings.  Good call.  Now YOU can answer the bell when we ask you after a ring whether it was you or Kobe who won it.  Kobe went through the same thing with Shaq.  Then, he will have to retire and you will have to do it more on your own to get respect.  Enjoy the ride, and know that those early 2000’s Lakers teams did not have the likes of Steve Nash and Pau Gasol.  Welcome to the “let’s not worry about BEATING them.  Let’s JOIN them generation.”  I think Sir Charles said it the best.  “I looked across the court at Larry Bird.  I didn’t want to play WITH him.  I wanted to BEAT him.”  Different strokes for different folks.

18)  Rams kicker Greg Zuerlein can kick it really, really far.  He is like the non date rape version of Sebastion Janikowski.

19)  Give Royce White a freaking bus, Houston Rockets.  Come on.

20)  I LOVE this story.  Curt Schilling wins a ALCS with a bloody sock.  The sock goes to the Hall of Fame.  Curt Schilling starts a video game company.  He gets a loan with the bloody sock as COLLATERAL for the loan.  The company goes broke.  Now, he might have to SELL that bloody sock (in the HOF by the way) to pay off the debt.  I am sure I could literally go OFF on this hook, but there is a lot of shit still on my legal pad.

21)  Winning our “Einstein Award” for this rant, Anderson Silva has declared he will not move UP in divisions to fight Jon Jones.  Evidently, he is a pretty smart guy, is aware he is already a legend if he quit right now, and has enough free time to watch some Jon Jones fights.  No one likes big guys giving them elbows to the head.  No one.  Especially guys who movedd up in weight class.

22)  In the story that no one cares or wants to even think about, I am sorry to report that Paterno book sales have “slowed.”  What a shame.  Sounds like the investors of that book need to take a hot shower, and…WHOOOAA.  Where was I going with THAT hook?  EASY, Fillerbuster.

23)  The Fillerbuster, along with a couple million other people, thought USC was the best team in the land before the year started.  They have lost already, and were clawing like that chick in the pit in Silence of the Lambs against an always tough Utah team at home.  THEY need to put the freaking lotion in the basket.

23a)  Talk about closure in a movie.  That movie was pretty well made.  As my ex-boss from one of the bars constantly reminds everyone though, WHY did they lock the most dangerous criminal in the world at the Baltimore state hospital????

24)  One day after Lolo Jones insults a paralyzed guy on Twitter, she gets bored and announces she will compete in bobsledding.  I don’t care if she is hot.  She irritates me from afar.  I want her and Hope Solo in a winner take all death match.

25)  Kyle Busch has declared to the media that he is sorry for his inefficient gas rant about Toyota cars.  I see this developing.  Stay tuned.  Don’t lose too much sleep at night.  There.  The Fillerbuster has updated you on NASCAR.

26)  WR Greg Jennings is out.  Yes, that is the SAME fantasy team as the one with Danny Amendola.  Anquan Boldin, I need you, bro.  Come strong or don’t come at all.  I have had you on my team as a backup since you joined the Ravens and they were going to “open up” the passing game.  Still waiting.

26a)  Speaking of “waiting,” I worked restaurant for 14 years.  If you ever want to learn what the employees at an establishment, AND have second thoughts about HOW to ask for your burger to be cooked more, check out the movie.

27)  Peyton Manning’s wife has submitted a bid to be a minority owner of her hometown Memphis Grizzlies.  I understand you want to keep the team at you home, I get that you don’t want it to go back to Canada, but if you win, can you at least IMPORT a freaking Grizzly Bear into the town in some place besides your zoo?

27a)  There is an easy Stephen Colbert joke calling to me, but I don’t have the time.

28)  Joe Theisman RIPS Jerry Jones and Tony Romo.  Now, if I can just get Joe Theisman AND Lawrence Taylor in a room together to rip someone, my life on this earth is then complete.

29)  The camera that Bolt used at the Olympics is being auctioned.  I have NO luck.  Is it too late to sue McDonald’s for too hot of coffee?

30)  I still would LOVE losing teams’ t-shirts.  I want to run around with a 1996 Pittsburgh Steeler or a 1985 Georgetown t-shirt and confuse people.

31)  Ex-Tennessee coach Pat Summitt felt “forced out?”  Really?  Say it ain’t so, Pat.  DAMN you for not winning the big one every freaking other year on the calendar.  Class act, great coach, and THEN some.

32)  Matt Hasselbeck has been named the starter this week for the Titans.  Not exactly the way he pictured it, but it is what it is.  I bet you their is consolation in the “locker room.”

32a)  That joke is bad.  Not as bad as the I, Hurd from the last rant, but still bad.

33)  Trying not to check out on Friday’s is tough for anyone working 8 to whatever, M-F.  The internet going down for 30 minutes does NOT contribute to this toughness.

34)  Former Arkansas LB has been busted for threatening the life of his trainer.  Because as Dennis Leary once said in a standup, in life you have to have goals. I couldn’t find THAT clip from Dennis, but I at least found the song that starts that standup.  Classic.

35)  I was talking the other night about one of the coolest shot I had ever seen in my 14 years bartending.  It was in the middle of the day, the guy was by himself, and he kept a straight face the entire time.  It was called the Stuntman.  You order a shot of tequila with salt and lime.  Pretty normal so far, right?  Nope.  He proceeded to line up the salt with his credit card, and did the following.  He did the shot, squeezed the lime in his eyes, snorted the salt off the bar, and then jumped face first into the closest trashcan.  After staying in there for about a minute while we were all speechless, he got out of the trashcan, threw a ten on the bar, and walked out of the bar normally.  It was surreal.

36)  Thanks to one of my readers for catching the hook that mentioned Bon Jovi and then sent me the link for a FREE concert tomorrow night in Denver.  Acoustic, solo, Jon Bon Jovi.  I am THERE.  My favorite restaurant in the world, Marlowe’s, is right next door, and the lady is out of town watching the OU game in Lubbock (she is an OU machine, I am telling you).  Anyway, who wouldn’t go see Bon Jovi for free?  No matter if you liked them or not.  Sure, I wish it was Whitesnake who was playing, but it is what it is.  The only thing I forgot out of that hook was that I was probably timing myself solving the Rubik’s Cube on that bus ride, trying to break my brother’s unbelievable 1:44 record in the family.

37)  College picks.  We are way over time and number of hooks, so just the picks.  I am glad I am retired from betting.  I like a LOT of game this week.

-Michigan State minus 15.5 at Indiana (I think I have a crush on this team.  They HAVE to cover at some point)

-Florida St. minus 16 at NC State (they will win by 30)

-Missouri minus 7 against Vandy (Mizzou has the hang of the SEC now)

-Va Tech PLUS 6 at UNC (what?  they are not THAT bad)

-Washington plus 24.5 vs. Oregon (I am drinking the Washington Kool-Aid)

-South Carolina minus 1 against UGA (just taking the home team in this one, and only giving away a point)

-West Virginia PLUS 6.5 at Texas (I would bet my rent)

-Michigan minus 3 at Purdue (if I had a bloody sock, I would bet it as collateral)

-Stanford minus 9 at home against Arizona (not sure why.  maybe still bitter they beat USC)

-Miami plus 14 at Notre Dame (what is the minimum bet, Mr. Bookie?)

-LSU minus 2 at Florida (same minimum bet, Mr. Bookie)

38)  That is it.  Do I have plans with the lady out of town?  Yes.  Strip club.  Actually, Golden Tee.  The greatest text I have had in months was my brother sending me a picture of his kid playing Golden Tee.  Matt, I will DEFINITELY come home now at some point.  I can teach the kid pointers that will make allowance money not needed.  Anyway, I need to get back to this baseball game, where arguably the best team in the league might knocked out of the playoffs by the O’s.  Crazy.  Hope you enjoyed.  Will I blog tomorrow?  That is a CLOWN question, bro.  Peace.

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