Read it, don’t read it, I don’t care…just needed to get some things off my chest.
In no particular order of chronology or importance…
Not on the clock. Just doing an early evening rant. Let’s turn and burn.
1) Welcome once again to anyone searching for a photo of clowns, corona coolers, Barry Manilow, etc. Stick around. It is a sarcastic sports rant. You might like.
2) Well, I have picked men’s tennis player Jo-Wilfried Tsonga to break through to the big time in about the last 8 Slams outside of the French Open (why would anyone go against picking Nadal). He advanced to the fourth round today and I LOVE his game. He has a winnable match against Troicki, and then most likely a matchup with Roger Federer. One of these days he will break through (hopefully in his short tennis prime), but it won’t be the French Open.
3) Nadal blasted the scheduling and I agree. In Slam events, players should get the same amount of rest if possible, and one player should definitely not play consecutive days with the other getting a day off. THAT is why he dropped the first set again. You are WELCOME, those about to get laid to waste in this thing.
4) Copy and paste. “Nadal advances.”
5) Larry Drew was hired by the Milwaukee Bucks today. I love this move. Drew made the playoffs consistently with a squad in Atlanta that I would doubt the player motivation and mentality rather than the coaching. The Bucks were a playoff team already, have a talented young roster, and it is a good landing place for him.
6) Masai Ujiri bolted the GM job with the Nuggets to go to the Raptors. I assume it is about the money leaving to go to that Toronto roster. Anyway, the Nuggets were built by Ujiri with a concept in mind. Whoever comes in will have the major decision of blowing up the semi-stars and getting a true superstar or standing pat and wait for maturity on the present roster. Better get someone fast. I would LOVE to have Snowball to make fun of in this town. I want to meet him too and NOT call him Dwight. I will just go “hi, Snowball!”
7) Thoughts and prayers to Mookie Blaylock, who is on life support right now after a car crash.
8) Arrest king and ex NFL receiver evidently turned down help from the NFL when a concerned family member contacted them. Yeah, take THAT, NFL, for every team NOT wanting him on their team. That was his comeback. That is about as good as the Jerk Store comeback. Anyway, PLEASE tell me someone is working on live updates at the prison he goes to.
9) Editor’s note. Thanks to Chris, the bar manager from The Cantina (11th and Lincoln and an awesome place), who not only gave me a few pointers on this thing, but is going to help me streamline this thing over the next month or two. Coming soon. Tags to allow you to choose a sport in this huge list of hooks and only read the sports you care about. Also, soon you can click on a link and it will open a separate window so you don’t have to click back. I am slow on this sort of stuff. Finally, since images are getting people here, I might be doing an image blog here and there. That will take more time to brainstorm though. Thanks for that one, JJ.
10) The Sacramento Kings hired Warriors assistant Mike Malone as their new coach, or as I like to call it…the DeMarcus Cousins lottery. Good luck with THAT, Mike. You should start each practice with a Wonderlic and IQ test for shits and giggles.
11) The Mets swept the Yanks. Someone cue Destiny’s Child and Creed. I mean being good, and not beating the Yankees (they lost to them in five games that year, but at least were THERE in 2000).
12) So, a day after saying that Matt Kemp’s struggles were not due to injury, he goes to the DL? Confused, Dodger organization. You all think you are a hockey team?
13) I am SO over these The Hero commercials. Just start this so we can figure out how much it sucks.
14) Do you think the lawyer in Steve Nash’s child support case makes a lot of “assist” jokes. Maybe as a thank you to the checks he gets? I have dry wit and find very small things funny.
15) An American shot putter got a medal 9 years later because the dude in front of him was cheating with drugs. I think Wheaties should put him on their box, too, to confuse people.
16) A college golfer was sanctioned by the NCAA for washing her car. Apparently, there is actually some rules about not using university water for this purpose. This is true. Think they covered a little too much in their fancy rules?
17) The A.D. from Texas is a proponent of the 8 team playoff when this thing gets rolling. He actually proposed a 64 game playoff, since then perhaps Texas would actually make it into the mix again.
18) Mark Sanchez says he is not thinking about NOT starting. Good attitude, and I believe you copied and pasted that quote from last year before sucking also.
19) George Brett will take over as hitting coach for the Royals. New to the job or not. Anyone who batted .01 from .400 for an entire season can teach my players to hit any day.
20) I still haven’t gotten the call from the Coke Zero or Prego Bacon Provolone people about doing a SINCERE commercial with no acting, but my phone is on and waiting. I used to get ONE Bacon Provolone. Now, I just get ALL. I also am getting sucked into the cherry flavor on Coke Zero.
21) The Ohio State President was busted for derogatory comments about Notre Dame and Louisville. Didn’t your school just go through a couple of months WITHOUT having bad media coverage? Just like you call yourselves The University, I would call most of you all The Idiots at this point.
22) Editor’s note: I said that Jones-Drew fought a bar worker who served drinks. Sorry, it DOES make more sense that it was a security guy. Someone get that video to me.
23) The Clippers are coach searching. Usual suspects. Byron Scott. Jeff Van Gundy. They also say that it was their call to fire Del Negro. However this shakes out, you all BETTER be apologizing to and getting the checkbook out to Chris Paul if you have ANY chance at keeping him.
24) Knaidel was the word that won the Scripps Spelling Bee. It is so obscure of word that Word has a big red line under it presently. Seems like a pretty short word to win the thing. Let me pick the words.
25) The Rockets are after Snowball, which I believe was the same headline as last week. The only thing that makes Snowball more irritating are stories that aren’t about anything definitive.
26) I am glad the nice weather is here. I am not glad that bees come back with the package. I already had an incident where a bee got into my Jeep and I stood by the car for ten minutes making sudden movements with all of the doors open to make sure it was out of there. Not exaggerating. It was at the golf course.
27) Yay. Water World is open. I am taking a few weekends delaying going 1) waiting for Lindsey to return 2) let the lines diminish a little. I have had a hard enough time maturing and act nowhere near my 40 year old age, but at water parks, I am truly 11 again.
28) I have to move my buddy, Cerk, into his new house tomorrow, so let’s do some damage on this list next to me for a few hooks. Probably taking the day off tomorrow.
29) I hate to see what happens what happens if he runs out of treats, Stephen Colbert probably hasn’t seen this, and no matter how you spin it, a bear doing the Hula Hoop successfully is pretty tight. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M2SI7mKGOnM&feature=youtu.be
30) Odd stats. Stephen Strasburg is 3-5. At the same time, dude has a 2.54 ERA, 73 K’s, and a WHIP of 1.06. That is crazy. Maybe he is pulling the Felix Hernandez of the Mariners…like every other year.
31) Headline. “Hoops coach keeps his job after making players poop their pants before quitting.” Real.
32) I am waiting for Panic tickets to come to my attention. The one thing I can count on is Panic in my life for events that go smoothly. We are at less than a month, Fate. Let’s not make it this exciting. I would like to know which nights I am buying tickets for so I can figure out logistics…and I hate Craig’s List.
33) Jim Harbaugh says that the Bears Marc Trestman was a “grand slam.” I don’t even dislike Canadians. But can we reserve judgement on a north of the border dude raking in the NFL until he actually does something?
34) This is crazy. Do we have a NEW pitch in baseball? Check it out. Watch the drop at the end. OK. Not “new,” but been long enough to be considered new. http://deadspin.com/an-angels-reliever-is-throwing-a-pitch-no-one-has-seen-510317245
35) Elgin Baylor is selling his championship ring. Is he selling an asterisk also? Elgin was one of the greatest basketball players of all time EASILY, but he didn’t win it all except for a technicality. He played the first 9 games his last year, retired, and his team won it all (AND won 33 games in a row) and had the rule that you got a ring if you were on the roster at any point in the year.
36) Shame on the Arian Foster situation. He is one of the good, smart guys in the NFL, and I feel bad that he has to miss time until training camp because of a strained right calf muscle.
37) By the way, even though Venus is out at the French, I thought she would at least coast with her sis to the doubles title. They are out. Notice to all singles entrants. Serena now can focus on ONE thing. Watch out. She NEVER has this much free time at a Slam event.
38) My apartment has literally the smallest pool in the world. It is between two buildings that you need to go for the middle 3 hours of the day to catch some rays.
39) Another day goes by without digging up more bad stuff on Rutgers AD Julie Hermann. Do you all need help? Since I don’t think Saints WR Joe Morgan is important enough to send Rant Squad scouts to look into, I can spare a few if you all need manpower. Give me a call. ALWAYS looking for female Rant Squad members and we have never had an A.D. before. Capriati needs COMPANY. The guys are tired of her asking them to go shopping with her.
40) LeBron said flopping can be effective right before he got fined $5k for doing it. What IS this rule, by the way? $5k for LeBron is like pouring out the beginning of his piggy bank…for like two seconds.
41) Nike will discontinue Livestrong products. Did a time warp occur? It took them THAT long? Were they waiting for the C or D Samples?
42) The Atlanta Hawks hired a Spurs assistant as their new head coach. I don’t even know anything about him. I just know hiring ANYONE from the Spurs organization is a good hire. He was around winning in odd numbered years, so you all are screwed next year.
43) Congress is “urging” the Redskins to change their name. If the Skins say no, will they “strenuously object?” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bOnRHAyXqYY
44) Does anyone actually care that the Paterno family is joining the NCAA class action suit? I care that the kids at Penn State get to enjoy their high level of football, but please stop telling me what THEY are doing.
45) The camera is ALWAYS on you, Joey. http://deadspin.com/lets-listen-to-joey-votto-scream-fuck-over-and-over-510184364
46) In case you were curious where you were going if you wanted a fast cheap sit down breakfast tomorrow… http://deadspin.com/map-do-you-live-in-ihop-america-or-waffle-house-americ-510668232
47) Pacers-Heat. As always, my totally random comments, as you can read ESPN for official synopsis.
-I went to watch the first half at my new place, The Cantina. I was pleasantly surprised to find out they play the sound in the back part on all big games. Boom goes the dynamite.
-Paul George has 13 of the first 23 points scored by his team. Can he get some help?
-LeBron is STILL not posting up, which was his success in Game 3.
-Why is Mike Miller not being used more? He was integral last year.
-Bosh is hitting 3’s, but that is NOT what the Heat really want to happen.
-The Pacers can’t close out quarters, halves, or games.
-The McDonald’s commercial with the pomegranate shake makes me want a shake. Hey, Kyle. They have a SUPER fruit. Only him and about 3 other people get that joke, but trust me-it is FUNNY.
-I can’t buy in that the Windows phone beat Droid and iPhone out for phone of the year. It must be like a movie review where a guy working in his garage says “best of the year!”
-Why isn’t Udonis Haslem playing? Confused.
-LOVE that Hibbert is trying that classic sky hook. Mad that he is missing. Harder than it looks, aye?
-Halftime. Stephenson and Hill must have drank a lot last night.
-What was LeBron doing with his lip at the end of halftime?
-Wade’s free throw still looks weird.
-I have suddenly realized that I am fully rooting for the Pacers.
-LeBron doesn’t look like he listens in huddles unless he is the one talking, but considering he assisted or scored in 25 of the Heat’s 30 points in one quarter, I guess we will forgive him.
-HEY. Haslem is back and making shots. You must have been reading my legal pad at the bar.
-The Pacers looked YOUNG in the third and fourth quarter.
-I missed the rest of the fourth because I came home to 300 hits on my blog and got excited…and the game was done.
-BUT, I will note that Stephenson and Hill had a TOTAL of 5 points. Go get rid of those hangovers, boys.
-DAY AFTER. Good job, Birdman. Way to act as crazy as you look. You were the key in games 1 and 2, and just got suspended from Game 6. Dumb, dumb, dumb. I don’t think even Rodman did that in the playoffs. And he has like 5 more rings than you.
48) That is it. I skipped a few things, but I am sure my list will be full within a couple hours. I MIGHT be off tomorrow, depending on whether I decide to have beers with Cerk after moving him. So look for me Sunday most likely. Hope you enjoyed. Will I blog tomorrow? That is a CLOWN question with the previously mentioned disclaimer (just a tagline), bro. Peace. Enjoy your Friday and Saturday.