In to offer some relief for Mr. Filler. Its Mr. Royal aka GB aka The Royale with Cheese… No? OK we’re trying out nicknames people, cut us some slack we’ll figure it out.
I’ve got a running list of movies my wife hasn’t seen that she needs to watch to watch to be a real American. Top Gun, Saving Private Ryan, etc. Its pretty bad. She hasn’t seen a lot of really amazing movies.
*Note to self: Find out if she hasn’t seen Pulp Fiction yet.
* Note to self: Try out “Marcellus Wallace” as new writer nickname in next post.
Alright lets get to it. “The Royale With Cheese” coming at you with a list of 5 Lists of “Stuff I’d Rather Do than Doing Something Else.” What? Does that even make sense?
1. 5 Sports Commercials I’d Rather Watch than the “A man. A Man and his truck.” Commercial
2. 5 Stories I’d Rather Talk About A-Rod
3. 5 Crazy People I’d Rather Interview than Dennis Rodman
4. 5 Segments I’d Rather Watch on Sportscenter than SportsScience with Jon Brenkus
5. 5 Super Bowl Halftime Show Combinations I’d Rather See than RHCP and Bruno Mars
5 Sports Commercials I’d Rather Watch than the “A man. A man and his truck.” Chevy commercial:
1. The T.O. Hardees commercial. If you don’t think this commercial is funny then we just wouldn’t get along. Seriously. I don’t think we could be friends. We just don’t have fundamental basic things in common. My WIFE laughed so hard at this commercial and she only has the vaguest clue who Terrell Owens is. She really has no concept of why Philly fans hate him.
I need the name of the marketing guy at Hardees who was like, “Hey what’s T.O. doing these days? Do you think he’d be cool with making fun of himself to sell burgers if we surround him with beautiful women for a day and throw some money his way?”
Genius. That guy needs a raise yesterday.
Side Note: Can we get Chad Ochocinco Johnson to do commercials? Who could forget this gem?? Chile please…
2. ANY of the AT&T Commercials, but definitely the one with the “puppy brother.” Too funny. Watch the little white girl’s face on the left! Its like her head is gonna explode in excitement.
3. Katherine Webb. Carl’s Jr. That burger looks so good…
4. Geico commercial with Dikembe Mutombo blocking things that aren’t basketballs. #NotInMyHouse
THROWBACK Side Note: Remember when MJ was talking shit with Dikembe at the free throw line, closed his eyes and drained the next free throw? Imagine if that had happened in the Twitter age. Your feed would be BLOWING UP.
5. Colin Kaepernick’s Beats Commercial. Kind of silly because like, even Seattle’s crazy fans couldn’t get away with mobbing the Niner’s bus to the point that they BREAK a window… But still. Maybe its the swag. Maybe its just because I think Aloe Blacc has insane flow. But this commercial is dope.
I hope Colin Kaepernick actually listens to that song to get pumped up before games.
5 Stories I’d Rather Talk About Than A-Rod
Real quick. I must confess. I’m a Yankee fan. I owned an Alex Rodriguez jersey back when we all still thought he could be the one clean hope the MLB had at someone beating Barry Bonds’ all time home run record with that short right-field wall in the Bronx. Since then, A-Rod admitted to lying about not using steroids, lied about no longer (currently) using steroids, got caught in the Bosch scandal and is now doing anything and everything in his power to destroy whatever likability/credibility he has left in order to preserve whatever likability/credibility he has left. It’s so maddeningly narcissistic and stupid, half the sports world doesn’t even want to talk about it anymore.
The one genuine thing about Alex is that he truly loves baseball more than anything else in the entire world. Unfortunately, that radical imbalance is the reason why everyone hates him now and the jersey I used to own is now in a landfill somewhere.
1. The Knicks are on a 4-game win streak. The formula seems to be “Less J.R. Smith,” “More Kenyon Martin.” Normally, I’d be super-cynical about this. I’ve been watching the Knicks since before I was playing Pokémon cards so I’ve learned to curb my enthusiasm. Why? Eddy Curry, Isaish Thomas, Steve Francis, Stephon “Starbury” Marbury, Quentin Richardson, the destruction of Lenny Wilken’s career, T-Mac, Amare Stoudemire, Linsanity, James Dolan, James Dolan, James Dolan and finally, James Dolan. Just google those things.
However, not long ago, Tyson Chandler was widely considered to be the best defender in the NBA and he’s been out with bronchitis during this win streak. Getting him back will only make the Knicks better.
Did I mention that the Knicks are in the Eastern Conference? … I see a 7-seed in your future, Knickerbockers.
2. The Anaheim Ducks lead the NHL in points. 7-game win streak. Do you care about hockey? Probably not. Should you? Probably. It’s the only sport left that hasn’t been completely destroyed by… you know what? I promised myself I wasn’t going to hate-rant today so I won’t. Just watch hockey. And pay attention to the Ducks’ win streak.
3. Bud Selig wants to tour all 30 baseball parks this year before he retires. Oh the toils, the trials and tribulations of being the MLB commish. What an unbelievable job. Oh hey, commish. B T Dubs. Please skip Miami’s park and just go to Wrigley twice or something. We’re all kind of hoping that travesty breaks off from the rest of the continent and floats into the Caribbean. I mean seriously, what is that stupid thing in the outfield with the Marlins? Ugh.
4. I’d certainly rather preview Sunday’s NFL Matchups than talk about A-Rod. First of all, I just want to personally thank the Broncos’ secondary for making me miss out on being 3-1 against the spread last week, and for almost giving that game right back to Philip Rivers and the Chargers. However, I am proud to say I was 4-0 picking winners straight up last week and I’ve only missed one playoff game so far (why would anyone ever pick Andy Dalton, Marvin Lewis, and the Bengals to win a home playoff game. Cue Jim Mora: Playoffs? PLAYOFFS!?)
I picked the Broncos to beat the 49ers in the Super Bowl at the beginning of the season, I flip flopped before the start of the playoffs and changed to the Seahawks over the Broncos, and I’m really tempted to flip-flop back. Ugh. This is tough, but I’m gonna grow a spine and just stick with what I’ve got despite the fact that Seattle’s Offense looks pretty mediocre. Great logic right? You should definitely put your money on my picks.
Denver (-4.5) over New England
Look I think the Broncos are going to win, but as far as the spread goes, I really am lost on this one. About as lost as I was last week for Pats-Colts and I picked Indy to cover. All I know is that 77% of America has their money on the Pats to cover the spread. When in doubt, when the majority of people are betting one way against the spread, bet the other way. By the way, it’s supposed to be like 50 degrees and sunny in Denver. There’s no way Del Rio lets their secondary play bad after THAT fourth quarter against San Diego. It’s hard to argue with his stats last week but absolutely nothing scares me about Legarrette Blount either. Indy made Alex Smith and a slew of backups look like superstars Wild Card weekend. Denver’s D isn’t breathtaking, but they aren’t Indy either.
Broncos 31, Patriots 24
Seattle (-3.5) over San Francisco
Seattle at home. These dangerous passes that Kaepernick keeps throwing and DB’s keep dropping for would-be interceptions? Yea. That’s not gonna happen against Richard Sherman and Co. That’s all I really got.
Seahawks 20, 49ers 14
5. Deaf fullback Derrick Coleman. Guy has been through so much, doubted by so many, and now he’s a legit contributor for a playoff contender. Hats off to him. This is the type of stuff we should be highlighting in sporting news and all too often it just falls to the wayside. Check it out.
So no, A-Rod. I don’t want to talk about you. I’d rather talk about Derrick Coleman.
5 Crazy People I’d Rather Interview than Dennis Rodman
Dennis is kind of mean to interviewers… Ask that dude from CNN.
- Mike Tyson. Most interesting man in the world. There’s no argument.
- Miley Cyrus. I’d open the interview with, “Are you for reals?” I legit wonder if she’s just doing what she does because she knows she’ll get money and attention and headlines, or if she actually is that way? P.S. Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus should make a sex tape. It would just be fun to see Hollywood burn.
- Jennifer Lawrence aka. J-Law. Again, I’d try to cut through all her weirdness and get down to the bottom of it. “Are you really as weird as you’re pretending to be?” Because if so, that’s awesome. P.S. Go see American Hustle right now if you haven’t seen it
- Marshawn Lynch. Have you ever seen Marshawn conduct an interview? It’s the greatest thing ever. Perfect excuse for me to post one of Logan’s favorite videos.
- Chad Johnson. See above.
5 Segments I’d Rather See on Sportscenter than John Brenkus’ SportScience
“It’s not sports… ITS SCIENCE!!!”
I feel bad for John Brenkus because I have such an irrational dislike of him and he probably has no idea why. If you sit through SportScience on SportsCenter and are like, “wow, that’s soooo cool!” then again, we probably would not get along and we probably wouldn’t be friends. He is awful. That segment is awful. It didn’t start off TERRIBLE. Usain Bolt is ridiculously fast. That’s kind of cool to talk about. But when you start analyzing the rotational force required for an outfielder to spin and catch a potential home run ball, you’re wasting my life and what once was my favorite show to watch on TV. Talk about real things, or just give me five minutes of commercials (see List #1, above).
- Hockey. TALK. ABOUT. HOCKEY. Barry Melrose is one of the most intelligent and well-spoken ESPN employees. So… TALK. ABOUT. HOCKEY.
- Show me hockey highlights. Remember when you were a kid, and they showed hockey highlights on SportsCenter??? Did you just have some trippy, retro, 90’s flashback to your family room television set?
- Give us a class. You know how sometimes on SportsCenter they bring in a guy like Herm Edwards and he says something like, “Well they’re really more effective when they run that Tampa-Two defense than when they stick primarily with zone-blitzes,” and then they just take it for granted that we know exactly what he’s talking about. Use that fancy Smart Board thing you’ve got in the studio and educate us a bit.
- Start covering non big-market basketball teams. Like, oh I dunno… The Portland Trailblazers. In case you didn’t know, they’re doing pretty well I hear…
- Give us another heart-warming story about some kid who battled the odds in a small town I’ve never heard of. I love that stuff.
5 Super Bowl Halftime Show Combinations I’d Rather See than RHCP and Bruno Mars
- RHCP and RHCP
- RHCP and no one
- RHCP and “the number of Super Bowls the Eagles have won”
- RHCP and “the amount of people in the world who still like A-Rod”
- RHCP and “Damian Lillard’s jersey number”
… If you don’t know who Damian Lillard is, educate yourself. Its been real. Royale with cheese, signing off.