Bourne got mentioned, and although I had about 18 other ideas for a theme, I have to stick to my rules.

September 13, 2015September 13, 2015 Filler

Read it, don’t read it, I don’t care…just needed to get some things off my chest.

In no particular order of chronology or importance…

Not on the clock. Not an airplane rant. Afternoon rant. Semi-speed version. Let’s turn and burn.

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Greetings and salutations, people. Thanks for coming aboard (the boat). I am sure there are people who are biking up mountains and workout out right now, but VERY happy being on my couch just watching football.
There WILL be prizes in rant, people.
If you don’t want to listen to someone who had a HUGE day yesterday and knows that they are hurting, than tune OUT.
(waiting for people to tune out)
(seriously, I don’t care)
Back with the people who know that Sunday rants…are “fun.”
Are people bored on the first NFL Sunday or are some of you sharing the link? My stats are ridiculous for readership today already. Welcome, new people.
JJ, do I need to tell you whether or not I am having pops on the first football day of the year?
Seriously. One of the dopest people on this earth of ours. Professionally, personally, etc.
I thought I lost my blog list Saturday, but I found it and stopped panicking. None of you want to deal with me if I lose my blog list. Ugly.
(deep sigh as I am SOOOOO glad to be writing this during FOOTBALL)
Lindsey almost had a heart attack yesterday during the OU game, so napping is fine and legit today.
She called me on the golf course asking for feeling good thoughts when down by two touchdowns, and I reminded her that OU was in my playoff predictions, they would get it done, DON’T call me on the golf course like EVER, and Baker is the MAN. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mdSJa_CncoY
Dude just knocked on the coaches door of one of the greatest football universities EVER, and said “I plan on walking on.”
Oh. AFTER, he did the same thing at Texas Tech.
Seriously, ladies, don’t call a dude on the golf course unless you are dying.
Yes, I had Oregon in my playoff too, so let’s just replace them with USC right NOW.
Ohio State, OU, USC, and Georgia.
Nick Chubb.
If UGA would ever play their starters all four quarters, he might have a chance.
I just wrote 20 hooks and am now JUST opening my blog lists. Get ready for a ride. Or just stop reading. Ah Don’t cahr (inside joke). I have hours and hours of football and have NOTHING to do.
I went 4-3 on my blog picks, which doesn’t sound monstrous in my retired betting status, but I would have gone crazy on the bets for Clemson and OU, so I would have won a couple hundred…if I wasn’t trying to stay retired.
Here are the acronyms you need to know. If I say “W,” you are being invited to the wedding in Cancun. If I say “W1a,” that means you are coming to reception, but might move up to the wedding invite. If I say “R,” you are coming to my fun reception somewhere.
Just kidding (kind of), as she I assume would want people to NOT find out during my dumb blog.
Here we go. Finally on the actual list.
Watching Richard Pryor in ANY setting will make you feel that a lot of today’s comedian’s don’t have the entire package. Brilliant dude.
I always feel like I have something in my teeth whenever I watch Rain Man.
And then want to go to a casino and ride down an escalator.
The Mayweather fight went exactly as I expected, and you probably were bored, because it was brilliant boxing that said “I don’t care about knocking you out.”
Money is so beautiful to watch, even if he has a white car garage and black car garage.
LOVE that he wasn’t running near the end.
You just can’t catch the guy clean.
Email me if you would like to try and tell me he isn’t great.
I will buy you your first 5 beers. You won’t win the argument. You can’t hit the guy. He is like the Spurs of boxing. Boring, efficient, and a winner.
I golfed with my company yesterday. It is scary if during a scramble we are using my ball 70% of the time. Doesn’t suck golfing in CO.
I asked my partner and new friend, Dale, what he put in as his handicap. He said “16 to 25.” I said “no, you’re not” on the 18^th The funniest thing is that on the 3^rd hole “Don’t worry about putting, as I have that part.” Hulk Hogan than overshot ten of the next eleven putts. Told you that you would make the blog, Dale.
I did my usual. I hit about 5 shots that were dope and will keep me coming back, 5 shots that were so dope that I overhit the green, 5 grounders where I made the ladies tee, and missed the entire ball one time. This was one of the shots that will get me back the next time.
I think my playing partners had fun too, as Amit was falling asleep watching the Floyd fight with me at Sports Column. None of them read this. I can talk about them.
Person taking a picture of someone taking a picture. I need a flow chart, which you all know I love.
You could ask me 100 more times, and I thought that Oregon would win that game by 14 against Michigan State.
But they beat the spread, which is important.
BUT, my coworkers stayed for a BBQ and awards at the golf outing, and I took an Uber home to go do what normal people do…watch 49-0 fights and #5 and #6 teams play.
What a badass.
I can’t believe that UVA beat the spread and was winning at any point during that game. Lindsey, love you for calling me about this, but still…don’t call dudes on the golf course.
I can’t imagine Notre Dame lost their QB that has looked SOOOOO good up to this point. Would have been nice to have Golson around I believe right about now.
Let’s not think about Serena’s loss, as it was still one of the greatest seasons of all time in tennis, and my girl, Steffi, and I are kind of happy she didn’t get the whole thing.
When do Andre and Steffi’s kids get to tennis playing age? Wow.
This is just Lindsey’s sister, Kooler, and I…being ourselves.
This is my dope cat, Jackson. He thinks he is a dog and plays fetch. He sleeps next to me, jumps on my shoulder thinking like he is a falcon, and doesn’t like doors between him and I. Dope.
Remember this?
I have not purpose to show this pic, but I saw it while looking for Jackson’s pic, and it is funny. Here is Lindsey’s brother.
I think these Bears uniforms are ugly.
So BYU wins against undermanned, UVA barely loses and gives me hope, and Boise and UVA play in two weeks. Ugghhh.
I have already stated that this year I am a uGa fan, not a uVa fan. Greyson Lambert and I are boys and they are my prediction for the year. Moser. You don’t read this, but if you do now, you can email me between 8am and 9am Monday morning and I will buy you pizza down the street.
He was my favorite player at UVA two years ago, so of course, he left. Moser, we are brothers in arms now. Sorry.
I am serious about these time stipulations, as Marty/ Rudy only pays attention to this thing because I may or may not give him food.
No hints yet, Marty/ Rudy.
But let’s show Ralph at the sign by my new favorite bar. Ralph…no prizes. He is just really funny. Real pic.
Fake pic and why he is Ralph.
What is 2+2, Ralph? “Well, let me think about that.”
Let’s just call Marty Rudy. Rudy moving forward, K?
That works. My fiancee explained to her sister who Marty/ Rudy was last night. She said “the really, really good looking Nebraska guy Mark works with.”
Hey. Rudy is a good looking dude, too. Great.
David Ortiz may or may not be the most popular Red Sox player of all time (just hit #500) and that is QUITE an accomplishment with that organization. Only guy who can drop an F Bomb to a crowd and not bother the FCC OR us.
Everyone was “sleeping” except for me and Lindsey’s sister (who is more dope than you or I can ever hope to be) and I drew her another round of dinosaurs. I am getting pretty quick on the Pterodactyl now, am scared of trying a Triceratops again, but that is one BUFF Stegosaurus.
Yes, I am aware the dinosaur on the right has kitty cat ears (inside joke). Kooler has my back. She dressed as a cat for Tour de Fat.
Chris is a bartender from the Avenue Grille. We love her, and like me when I bartended, your day was better for coming to visit. Chris, you are dope.
In the background is Kristin saying “you didn’t tell me the burrito was THAT big.”
I believe we are getting close to Hotel Transylvania II. If you haven’t seen my favorite cartoon ever outside of Rikki Tikki Tavi, then go watch now. I will wait.
(waiting)
Rikki is on my short list for tattoos if you care.
Not joking, Mom. I still just have one tatt. Water, as I like to be in water than on land.
(rolling eyes that you don’t know who Rikki Tikki Tavi is)
Done? Lots more to get to, and as I mentioned, I have nowhere to go. Oh, forgot Hotel T. Can’t wait. Here is proof.
I haven’t cussed, Mom. Just saying.
The question that keeps me up at night. Do I keep wearing an awesomely old worn hat that irritates everyone (threads are hanging down over my eyes) or do I retire it right now? Since 18 years old, I have had 5 hats (YOU do the math). Three are retired/ active. Two haven’t made it.
One was a long night, and the second was learning my lesson of never going on a waverunner with your hat on even though you think the hat wants to go with you. I spent 4 hours of my vacation visiting every lifeguard booth within 3 miles. Not a joke.
Have I mentioned lately how dope my cat is? I gave Jackson a golf ball last night, and a new game was born. Dude is a dog. LOVE him.
If you keep aside that Matt Damon is my #1 man crush list slightly ahead of JT, The Martian still looks pretty dope.
I bet you Jason Bourne would be fine on Mars also.
If you are dude reading this and don’t have a man crush list, then you are insecure and I will internally applaud every moment of your life when you get shy, insecure, and just don’t SAY WHAT IT IS ON YOUR MIND. Some dudes are good looking guys.
I forget whether I told Lindsey that tomorrow is…US Open night.
(on editing, I realized it is on NOW-I am still stuck in the 80’s when Wilander played on MONDAY)
In case you care, April 22^nd of 2016 is now our wedding date. I researched thoroughly for months for her happiness, and I believe that I won’t have to sneak out during the wedding to catch ANY sporting event. Missing the horse races, in between golf Majors, and might miss a couple 1^st round NBA games. All GOOD.
Call out to Brendan Daly, who doesn’t read this blog. Text me “Drew Brees” before 8am tomorrow morning, and I will buy you a breakfast burrito Friday.
Look at this DOPE pic of a bear eating a fish outside of my hotel when I stayed by the Dirty Donkey in Oakhurst, CA.
You might be seeing more of that pic for Catch of the Day’s.
I am so glad that Richard Sherman told me that Tom Brady didn’t cheat. NOW I can get some sleep.
Speaking of Brady (#3 on man crush list), let’s give a shout out to Baxter, who also doesn’t read this blog (I think this blog is entertaining…your loss). Text me “pats” before 8am tomorrow and I will also buy you a burrito on Friday.
Wow, Colorado doesn’t suck, doesn’t it?
Mom, only about 3% of these people actually cash in without cheating by getting told by someone. I have put out about $300 in prizes and paid $5. It is fun for me though. I am just talking, people.
Seriously, I have paid out $5. Marty is the only person who is mad because he is the only person I know of that eats more than me.
Just a very large Justin Bieber.
I wrote in this blog preseason March that the Mets would NOT be good. I stand corrected.
I am actually sitting, so I “sit corrected.”
Tight window on this one. If Walt texts me “Raiders” between 8 and 815am tomorrow, I have his first beer at Uptown next time I see him. Don’t cheat, Vince. Don’t tell him. I will know.
That’s not Walt, but found it funny that is the first Google pic that pops up.
I am proud to announce that my fiancée (worst word in the English language) has worked hard on a wedding website. It is pretty fancy, I will admit, and will be going live later this week. Dope, people. More to come, and I can’t imagine having the energy for ME to do that. I barely run THIS one.
I have said it a hundred times, and will say it a 101^st If you don’t like tennis, fine. Don’t talk about it. But, if you BADMOUTH tennis, don’t do it in front of me. I will never respect you.
That is my favorite tennis player. One Wimbledon from winning the calendar slam, and was in a rock band and smoked dope while he was the best.
So, tomorrow night, I am sending out a Twitter invite to Paul Rudd to our wedding, as I AM “I Love You Man.” Wish me luck. Know that Tom Sawyer will be one of the songs being played at our wedding.
Kind of bad when I know EVERYONE on my woman’s invite list and she recognizes like four people.
Rob, it was a tough decision, but you are out. Not like you live in Wyoming. You know where I am. You DJ downtown. We will ring you up if we need a DJ for the reception.
Hate me, love me, but KNOW that my bachelor party and wedding will be FUN. My only concern about the bachelor party is that everyone I know EXPECTS strip clubs, booze, gambling, etc. I promise you, fellows, that I will be surprising you by trying NOT to do those typical things.
Well, the strip club will probably happen at some point. Hoop it Up will be more important though.
While everyone was passed out last night, I watched “The Greatest X Movies of All Time.” Interesting stuff.
I am pretty sure Mayweather would have beaten Manny with or without “substances” that night. I watch the fight.
This new Europe commercial is the greatest commercial of all time. I remember when my older brother pulled me into his room and said “I think I have just heard the greatest song of all time, bro.” He then played me that song. My brother doesn’t read this anymore, because we have our ups and downs. Joseph, tell him I love him, respect him, and my drive is because of him. He will probably roll his eyes.
But seriously, The Final Countdown is ageless, and the commercial is FANTASTIC.
The Edge is STILL, in my opinion, the lowest critiqued movie that no one has ever seen, and will move you in ways you have never thought about.
You will have some pops, and say “I am going to kill the bear.”
Yes, Bills, good decision on giving Dareus whatever amount of money he deserves.
If Rex Ryan leaves the Bills and goes to another team, I bet you he has NIGHTMARES that he just wants a gimme QB.
The Little League organization has said it will lower the age threshold to 12 years old, good call, and I remember looking at my 13 year old friend with a mustache and saying “how does THAT happen?”
Did you watch the James Blake video? He is doing NOTHING. I am just mentioning this so I can show a picture of his ex-wife when he got voted “athlete with the hottest wife.”
Here is the deal, folks. I am a Phillies fan. Amaro didn’t got fired for what he did this year. He got fired because he should have done the moves he did this year like 3 years ago.
Ryan Howard contract.
Not sure if anyone hates Jay Cutler as much as I do. Email me if you have a beef.
I am secure in my manhood, so I am not shy in telling you I plan on watching The Voice when it starts in a couple weeks.
This might be the funniest fantasy football picture I have ever seen involving my friends and fantasy football. I would rate this #2 right behind me naming our all white Hoop It Up team “Deez Nuts.”
If the Browns are cutting you, there is a problem in your life. That being said, I am picking up Pryor for SOMETHING if I run an NFL team.
I rarely laugh out loud when I read a headline, but admit to doing exactly that when Memphis pulled their Calipari tribute due to fan outrage.
Yes, I sometimes have a couple pops and listen to the song “Payphone.”
(shit-on my list but feel the need to listen to it for a minute)
I am back. Great tune. I have to pick ( in one of my 10 pools) 5 losers every week and you get points for nailing them all. Some stress going on right now.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, mom. I didn’t pick the Steelers.
Should have though. Would have been smart.
I know some DJ’s. I like music. But, this background of NFL is the second best background that I know of.
Let’s all remember I am a college basketball JUNKIE.
The other day I went to the store to get stuff for the Steelers game as I had no groceries. I cam out of the local store with a block of Havarti cheese, a cup of blue cheese soup, a family size portion of mac and cheese, and milk.
Pattern? I got the milk because I never go to bed without eating a bowl of Cheerios. I love Cheerios. Told this story in length before, but it is a true story that during Inspector Gadget when I was like 8, I stuffed so many Cheerios in my mouth that one went in my nose and my mom came home from her job and had to call a doctor.
What a great day that was.
If you didn’t check out my last blog where I posted how I grew up in the #7 worse town in JERSEY to grow up in, here is the link again. Can’t believe we smoked Salem. We must have deproved (I just made that word up).
I have decided that although I have a million notes on the Pats-Steelers game, I will cut it drastically. Seems like old news now. Here are my notes that are accurate and you can’t find on the ESPN summary where people get paid to write stuff.
100? If you made it this far, thank you. I will send you a customized Rubik’s Cube. I have a warehouse with people sending out these things with whatever your favorite 6 colors are. Send me your choices.
This is a true story. My brother and I grew up during the Rubik’s time, were ultra competitive, and wanted to be on That’s Incredible. You needed to be under a minute to qualify for tryouts. He did 1:15 and my best was 1:45. So close.
My brother is such a badass. He pulls trucks and flips tires when he is bored. Not lying. Here is his family.
Probably why we did a swim a thon for charity on the swim team, I went later in the day on purpose, asked how many laps he did (303), and then I did 304 and hopped out of the pool smiling. What a jackass move. Still sorry for that move, Matt. I am the strong me I am because you pushed me. I wanted to break every record you had in sports, academics, etc. I was not a nice younger brother.
I have to go soon to watch the women’s US Open final. Just kidding. No Halep. No Williams. No Filler.
I was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO proud of the Raiders for not being the Raiders over the last 4 years, and then they signed Aldon Smith, so all of THAT is out the window.
Sorry, Mr. Dunne. You got the final answer on “Omaha,” but you cheated. Rudy told you. Just start reading this regularly. Make you a deal since I won’t buy you pizza on your cheating answer. Text me my favorite number and why I became attached to it and I won’t just buy you pizza. I will buy you a bar tab with me. Note: Ralph and Rudy don’t know the answer, so good luck.
I feel like it would be an exhausting job monitoring the Teixeira injury wire.
I was hoping to concentrate on the headset issue, but some Steelers assistant had to fight Boston people.
So, did I read it right that the Tigers will fire their manager at the end of the season, but there are still more games to go?
This Patrick Kane thing really bothers me, especially if you are a long time reader of this thing.
Lost Highway. Great beer, bartenders kind of suck.
I can say that. I was one of the best bartenders of all time, folks. Not being cocky. Ask my peeps.
Speaking of bartending, let’s get out another prize to two people who don’t read this thing. Shea. My two guys I gave ALL of my bartending knowledge to. If you text me “Don’t Stop Believing” between the hours of 10am and Noon on Monday, I will come down to Littleton and buy you a beer in the next two months.
Federer-Djokovic. Sometimes we want Cinderellas. Sometimes we just want THIS.
Lindsey and I were eating pizza Friday when she asked what I ate for lunch. I replied “pizza.” She felt bad. I reminded her that I can eat pizza every meal of the day, every day, for the rest of my life.
The potato pizza from Sliceworks is just plain dirty. I don’t even put hot sauce or red pepper on it.
Joe, from Sliceworks, you are the man (Sliceworks bartender on the weekends).
So, I sometimes have to tread carefully. I am Jersey, meaning I have an attitude. I know sports, which means I can talk at bars and be cocky. Lindsey went to the bathroom at Sliceworks, I told Joe I hope “you guys” win against the Ravens this weekend, and this dude says “you are an idiot-it is just one game.” I told him “I am here for pizza and to see Joe.” He said “well, good, because you obviously don’t know sports and don’t know football.” Since I sometimes get myself in trouble occasionally, when Lindsey came back up, she probably didn’t totally believe that I was an angel while she was gone. Thank you to the woman who came up to us and said “I have NO clue how your man didn’t push him off his bar stool.” Yup, it may be slow, but I am maturing. I did throw him my blog card.
By the way, guy. ONE game is a good line for baseball. There are only 16 games in football. Smaller sample. Dammit, I am writing this wishing I would have changed that dude’s life. Idiots.
If you haven’t seen the JT/ Fallon intro on the Tonight Show from Wednesday, stop reading this and go watch it.
(waiting)
Stephen Colbert is going to be fantastic as the new host, but not sure ANYONE can replicate the talent Fallon has.
Ok. I don’t care. Bachelor party rough draft. Wingnut. Aaron (has until the end of today or is eliminated from both bachelor party and wedding). Cerk. Vince. Scott. Marty. Kyle. Lee. Mike. Ben. Amit. Drew (if he ever stops moping around about us). John C.
Wildcards: Ponto, Briscoe, Katz, Mike P. Brian R. Justin, Shea, Derek. Logan, Rob Hop, JJ, Joe G, Marcus, Ross, Arnel, Soup, Erik D.
I didn’t feel like using the acronyms I talked about earlier.
That’s it. Hope you all enjoyed or at least are more informed. Will I blogged tomorrow? That is a CLOWN question, bro.