Read it, don’t read it, I don’t care…just needed to get some things off my chest.
In no particular order of chronology or importance…
Not on the clock. Day rant. Not a speed version. Let’s turn and burn.
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1) Greetings and salutation, people. Thanks for joining me. This is going to be a LONG one. Let’s just get that out there right now. Logan has an office, so pictures are ok too.
2) First of all, if you are a new reader, and you like my style, then you are in luck. This blog will be EPIC. Or, “dirty” as I like to say. If I say something is dirty, that is good. Beyond good.
3) Kind of a speed version as I have like three pages of notes. Let’s all hope there are a lot of repeats.
4) Bryce Harper was recently voted in the top five of hated athletes. Love the clown quote. Can you straighten up? Stop trying to break bats also until you can actually break them on you leg.
5) Matt, you win. Mike Trout is SUCH a class act. I picked the wrong guy.
6) Pops? Yes. JJ likes when I blog with some pops in me. He is literally the best salesman I have ever been around. Cocky? Yes. But all sales people are.
7) I tended bar for 14 years, and consider myself one of the best ever. Tenders, say hello to your customers in the first 2 minutes of arrival. I helps your tip and doesn’t piss me off.
8) Thank you, Tony P’s, for finally combining your great specials with great help. Mars, you are the bomb.
9) Why don’t they make 4 person golf carts? There is a niche in there. Trust me.
10) Cory, thanks for buying the tab Saturday. You are the largest man I know who is not an athlete but still my friend.
11) I find it weird that Matt Kenseth and Ryan Newman haven’t won a race this year. They are very good at turning left. Makes the last few races very interesting.
12) I talked with a guy for 45 minutes Saturday night who assumed I don’t know sports and said he was an Ottawa forward. You are not a hockey player, Eric Winchester, so don’t think I was serious when I asked for your autograph.
13) Comprehend. Kershaw has thrown FOUR complete games this season. Wow.
14) Carl Edwards is parting with Roush Racing if you care. I don’t. It is on my list though. I hang out with him all the time.
15) Minor league hockey kicks ass. More fights. MLB is pushing the envelope with this brawl. http://espn.go.com/mlb/story/_/id/11270959/ten-minor-leaguers-ejected-brawl-los-angeles-dodgers-arizona-diamondbacks-affiliates
16) Scott, I have very few friends. Lindsey and I are having a small destination wedding. You ARE my best man by far. Thanks for keeping me around. I know I am very difficult. He lives here and his wife is fantastic too.
17) I would like to enlist the Colorado Rockies in next year’s spelling contest.
18) Carl, thanks for telling us who the SECOND best hitter is ever for the Red Sox.
19) Dee Milliner, you are NOT the best CB in the NFL. But you ARE adorable. Thanks, Kyle.
20) Mettenberger talking about how he got hit is just too funny.
21) I am amazed when Fox Sports pulls ANY ad. I am writing this while that Erin Andrew commercial is on. So funny.
22) I won $50 bucks today while Lindsey is away. The strip club was closed when I knocked.
23) I was thinking about renting a porn, but then noticed Bourne Ultimatum is on. I just dissed boobs for Bourne. Yikes.
24) The new FFL commercials entertain me. I feel like going up to everyone and saying “this is a police emergency.”
25) For you TIVO people, you think you are hip, but commercials are pretty cool.
26) Shit. It is the opening scene of Bourne. I shouldn’t have looked on what is on. This could seriously bother my blog. Ugghhh.
27) I would like ton pronounce myself as AJ Pierziysnki. He is very well liked either.
28) Bourne Ultimatum is the best third movie EVER. I dare you to name one. Cerk, you are not missing much on the third Godfather. The first two were magnificent.
29) Shit. I am ¼ through my list and I guess the theme is Bourne. Damn.
30) I am Woody Harrelson from White Men Can’t Jump. That was my life before blowing out my knee.
31) I guess David Price will NOT be traded. The Rays are just plain dirty right now. Nine straight I believe.
32) Can we all just forget who John Rocker is?
33) I just watched the stairway scene where Damon destroys people. Yes. Man crush. I don’t care.
34) I have a very important announcement. My rankings have changed. Halle Berry is still #1. BUT, Rhianna is now #3 and Scarlett Johansson is #2. Important info, people. I saw Lucy today. I also researched her Under the Skin role with full nudity. She is ridiculously hot. Thank you, internet. In case you care, Megan Fox is #4 and that chick from Big Bang Theory is #5. Janet Jackson holds fast at #6 until she dies, Charlize Theron is #7, and the chicks from The Score and the chick from Alexander are #8 and #9. Just because I want to end this hook, Jolie, you are #10. TEN. Take THAT
35) Don’t be mad, Brad. You are #4 on my man crush list. #1. Matt Damon. #2 Tom Brady. #3. Haynes (the guy who took care of my sea urchin sting and I am pretty sure I am glad I got Lindsey out of there). I thought he was hot. I think she was looking into local hotels.
36) I am glad the Eagles are starting to act like their fans. Fighting needlessly.
37) I think ranch and hot sauce should be staples. Just deliver them with EVERY meal. We are not splitting the atom here.
38) The tingling I feel is that we are a month from football season.
39) The smile I have on my face is because Lindsey is Saturday and Oklahoma and Sunday is me and the Steelers. Works out perfect. Match made in heaven.
40) Hope you are not bored. We still have like 60 more hooks. Relax. Put a pillow behind your back. I am JUST getting started.
41) I will continue my stance. I think the Redskins name is a badge of honor, not an insult.
42) For fellow Steelers people, Google Dri Archer and be very excited.
43) It takes a man’s man to go into a gay bar on a Sunday afternoon without your fiancée. I was sad I only got hit on twice, but I guess I am getting older.
44) The gay bar had Silver Strike Bowling. If you know me, then you know there are three things you don’t mess with me on. Golden Tee, pool, and Silver Strike. I could destroy you at all of the above. And darts. And corn hole. And most bar games. It is what it is.
I took me seven frames to get my 2005 groove.
45) After hitting TWO double banks to win the game on Friday, I ran the table today at Williams with a guy who was playing his third and fourth game…ever. I beat the ringers. Boom. I am SO good at pool even without playing for money. But MUCH better when there is money on the line. Always better with money on the line.
46) And if we are playing for money, then you made a bad decision and I am sorry.
47) Ryan Clark has said his new secondary is the best one he has played with. That makes sense. The Steelers haven’t had a good secondary since Rod Woodson.
48) Here I Go Again is the greatest song of all time. Just noting that.
49) Bourne is such a badass. I hear gunshots. SO badass.
50) I hope I am alive still when Bernard Langer is still golfing.
51) I think the new Linkin Park IS angrier, but I still think we need to handcuff them and make them listen to Hybrid Theory 100 times in a row.
52) I can’t believe I don’t own ONE porn movie.
53) If you follow recruiting, then you know who Joe Mixon is. If you know who he is, then you are laughing a little at all of your OU friends.
54) And fiancees. The dingo are your baby.
55) I can eat pizza at any time of day in whatever mood I am in.
56) I hate Florda as a school, but I like that the recruit announced his commitment with an actual alligator.
57) Are you fucking kidding me? Manute Bol’s kid was named Bol Bol? And he is good at basketball? Too many jokes.
58) I love the Steelers with all of my heart. I love Big Ben. I concur that they should wait to re-up him on his contract.
59) I don’t care which soccer team Drogba plays for, media.
60) I am glad that Andre Johnson reported to camp, and I am also glad he will ruin my fantasy squad for the 8th straight year.
61) LOVE the Byron Scott signing for the Lakers. Love when a guy who won three rings ends up coaching THAT team. Stellar.
62) I think Kobe will run ALL over him though. He is the poor man’s version of Larry Brown.
62a) I have no idea what that means. But I did have a point at some point. Something about building something from something crappy.
63) Again, building stuff from nothing. Reading my blog requires you to already KNOW about sports, people.
64) I would pay $20 to see the Texas football depth chart. Two more gone after the two WR’s raping a chick. I TRY not to hate you, Mack Brown, but it is really tough. Again.
65) And my girl already hates you. OU, Mack.
66) I have a feeling that A) Mr. Royal’s football previews are just going to get better B) he is a much better writer than me and C) during betting season, it will get NUTS.
67) I am a retired bettor, but have worked out a system where I can bet vicariously. I would tell you how but then I would have to kill you.
68) My boss doesn’t read this thing. We can talk aloud.
69) If you haven’t seen the Ryan Raburn throw into midfield, then I hope the bubble you live your life in is treating you well.
70) Uber is like the greatest thing….ever. Right up there with Velcro.
71) In the running for the best headline of the year. Thanks, Matt.
71a) Read it OUT LOUD.
72) He doesn’t read my blog either. We can talk about him also. He is young. He thinks HE is the funny guy who knows about sports. Wrong.
73) I don’t care what you planned on doing, Melo. No one cares. I would rather have drinks with Darko than you, bro.
74) That was funny by the way. Really, really funny.
75) I met a guy who was wandering the street after him and his woman decided to be swingers for one night. I like the concept, but can’t even imagine the aftermath. Wow. He told me he couldn’t believe he watched a peni…WHOA. Gray freaking area. My bad.
76) Is there anything like a fluttering eyes syndrome? I am serious about that question. My eyes have been going crazy. Do I need to go to a doctor? I should definitely stay out of gay bars until it goes away.
77) Rod Stewart is still touring. Dating/ marrying models. I imagine I will be on my death bed and the last night miss the combo Eagles/ Rod Stewart reunion tour.
78) I HATE the Eagles. Almost as much as I hate the song Don’t Stop Believing.
79) Naaah. I hate the song much more.
80) Still with me? I still have a lot left. And energy. I know a couple people who are still with me. Logan, Gabe, Vince, and Ben. Ben always confirms his prize size/ address/ etc. Wait until you see TODAY’S prize, Ben.
81) The only thing about working Gaming now is that I don’t get to travel with Ben. Dude is a clock timer bar conversation where we break down all of life’s problems. It is like looking in a freakiing mirror…drunk.
83) If I used 100% of my brain like Lucy, I assume I could name all of the NCAA basketball winners…wait…I can already do that.
84) Scarlett Johansson is so hot. Am I repeating myself? Don’t worry, Halle. You are good at #1 until you boobs start sagging. I apologize to Debbie and my parents for writing that hook. Sagging is a bad choice of wording. Sorry. Joseph. He is my nephew who migth or might not be allowed to read my blog. A) Hope you had a great birthday week B) Sorry I have been a bad uncle-that will change C) sorry for cussing in my blog D) If you ARE old enough, Scarlett Johansson IS that hot E) Halle Berry is getting older but still the hottest chick like ever. Sorry again for D and E. Matt is hating me right now. It is like telling a 5 year old to try and understand Den Miller. You can’t I am 41. I STILL don’t get his jokes.
85) Hold on. Pause. The classic fight scene in Ultimatum.
86) Whoever invented the pigeons should be CROWNED.
87) And in case you are curious, the driving scene in the first one theme song is NOT on the soundtrack. It is a mystery. I have tried to find it.
88) Yes. I own THAT and Kip Winger’s solo CD’s. I am different.
89) You can slice it any way you want. Puig getting multiple triples in ONE game is dirty. He is like the over achieving/ less partying/ more well liked Manziel.
90) One of the greatest fight scenes of all time. When you hit someone and use a book, that is dirty.
91) What is Jason Bourne didn’t have a newspaper or towel in his reaching distance? There wouldn’t have even be a SECOND movie.
92) In this new fifty shades movie, is there nudity? Just asking.
93) When Brees says he can play for another 10 years, I believe him. I still use my college ID to get cheaper pitchers. Boom. If I had a dime for every time someone told me I didn’t look 41…I would not need a freaking job. I plan on acting 25 for another 10 years.
94) Candoes NOT them.
On editor cleanup, I have no idea what #94 means.
95) Lucy says (wait-theme might change-Bourne vs. Scarlett…interesting) units of measurement were wastes of time as time is the only tool we need. Once again, I am 25.
96) I feel like Jack Handy should see the movie Lucy.
97) How can we make a great movie like Lucy when we are using 10% of our brain, but she is using 100%? How is that possible? That is like asking Jason Bourne to make a movie where he is a pansy. Do the math. Wait. That is inverted. Belay that hook.
98) Most normal people love Chuck Knoblauch. The fact that he hit his ex-wife 29 days before being inducted into the Mariners HOF is just depressing. Come on, Chuck.
99) Seriously, it is weird that I am NOT watching porn and watching Bourne instead.
100) Once again, I find it weird that Rockies player Charlie Blacmon comes out to bat during 38 Special. Really weird.
101) Jordy Nelson got paid. Considering we will talk about how Aaron Rodgers and Peyton Manning ONLY won ONE Super Bowl apiece ten years from now, you SHOULD pay him.
101a) I once again have no idea what that means. Something about weapons and not winning a lot of titles.
102) Kendrys Morales. I agree. Seattle is a fantastic town. He just got traded back. You should have just stayed there. Denver beat Scottsdale and Seattle when I moved in 1997. I always say this. I have made a lot of mistakes in like. If I wouldn’t have made those mistakes, I never would have met Lindsey…so I did everything right. But parasailing over the Puget Sound was NOT a bad idea for $40.
103) If I had $33 million underneath my mattress, I think I would buy that MJ contract.
104) People. Maybe you skip reading Mr. Royal when I take a day off. Please don’t. I have never even met the guy. We have the same humor, and his writing skills and insight are about 150% of what I bring to the table. I started this blog, but know he is much better. Much better. I am jealous. I know more than most people in sports, but he writes better. I am a sitcom. He is a drama.
105) Should we be concerned that we still have a back to my legal pad list?
106) Ok. Here we go. I said no schedule, but I need to prep for work and more importantly add pictures. One sentence hooks…starting NOW.
107) Please tell me that the Ohio State band will make fun of themselves this year in football with the famous “I.”
108) Please tell me we can get an interview out of Lynch as he holds out for $30k a day (that is funny because he hates the media).
109) Please tell me we won’t have Kevin Love every day updates as we wait for the 30 waiting period after the Wiggin signing to expire.
110) Please tell me that Aldon Smith realizes that we are aware of his recent talk about the drunk thing but that we still make jokes about the airport.
111) Please tell me that Von Miller knows how much of an idiot he actually is.
112) Please tell me that Chandler Parsons and James Harden will consult with Jose Canseco about a boxing match.
113) Please tell me Jeremy Lin knows that Andy Warhol has already given him his 15 minutes.
114) Please tell me if you do not agree this might be the coolest person of all time.
115) Please tell me if you disagree that St. John beaches look exactly like they look on Google.
115a) Not Google pictures. MY pictures. Yes, I am aware there is a pig in there. Lindsey, I know you want to stay engaged for a while, but I am thinking two years from now THERE. She doesn’t read this thing anymore. This is like hitting a tennis ball against the wall.
115b) I have no idea what that means either.
115c) And YES. For YOU, Avery. I would explain this but it might get me in trouble. BUT, I will post it. If you hang with me, you ALWAYS could be in my blog.
117) Please tell me if you think Jimmy Graham didn’t get screwed.
118) Please tell me if you hate this new theme I just created off the bat.
119) Please tell me if this isn’t funny as hell. http://deadspin.com/nerds-on-teen-jeopardy-save-sports-category-for-last-1610595028
120) Please tell me that unless you actually proactively HATE Allen Iverson, that this is SO cool. I can’t find the link. You suck if you don’t love Allen Iverson. Bottom line. It was the link where he throw the ball up in the air at the free throw line and it goes in…about 75 feet up in the air.
121) Please tell me if you DON’T think this is amazing. Texas. Awesome. Why didn’t I save that? My editing is not going well.
122) I am glad I met Lindsey. After a weekend alone, I know she is an angel. I did Rockies, golf, downtown, Lucy, and tried to do the strip club, but it didn’t open until 4pm. Damn. Boom Another excuse to show Scarlett.
122a) Strip clubs should open sooner.
122b) I don’t go to them, but it pissed me off today.
123) Did Aaron Hernandez actually think the judge would move him?
124) Just saying it again. I am the most diehard Cavs fan you or ANYONE in your immediate flow chart family chart knows.
125) Tony Romo says the best is yet to come. I say that also, Tony. We should drink together.
126) I forgot about the one sentence thing. Listen, I am in a rush. That is all you need to know.
127) I don’t have time to rank the “story you should dead on Deadspin instead of ESPN.” Just freaking read Deadspin. It makes life easier.
128) Lindsey and I (and Colleen and Cerk) are going to Adventure Park next weekend. STILL the best kept secret in Colorado, been there like three times, the alpine slide is better than Golden and Winter Park COMBINED, they shut down the bungee jump because someone died, and just picture an amusement park on a large mountain. Oh. And the caves are dope also.
129) I wonder if they should have picked a “most interesting man.” They are running out of time on something that has worked. “When he whispers to a horse, he whispers back.” Hilarious. He look old though.
130) Jeff Gordon won the Brickyard. I could say that I am going to the moon tomorrow. You aren’t reading anymore. Seinfeld reference. The Contest. http://www.criticalcommons.org/Members/Ghent/clips/the%20contest.mp4/view
131) I think the fantasy football commercial with the “police emergency” will be trendy in two months. I feel like using it in my real life.
132) Tim Clark won. He is the main reason why people don’t think golfers are athletes.
133) Randall Cobb saying he doesn’t deserve a new deal is one of the most refreshing things I have heard in YEARS.
134) What if athletes demanding more money were DOCKED if they didn’t perform?
135) Should I watch True Blood tonight and blurt it out when I talk to Lindsey later? No. That would be so rude. This I believe is HER #1.
136) Hi, Debbie. She is Lindsey’s mom. She is a regular reader. Shout out. I am still stealing your dog, Guiness, eventually.
137) I saw a funny shirt today. It had a Brontosaurus on it. It said “All my friends are dead.” I have simple tastes. And that is hilarious.
138) When I told the guy I liked his shirt, and since I was at a gay bar, I don’t think it went over very well. I think he asked me my address. He doesn’t read this blog either. We are safe.
139) Dammit. My TV is telling me that it is recording True Blood and Snapped. I assume I would be hung if I missed EITHER of those recordings. Well, it is her lucky day. Only baseball is on, and I will turn on some Linkin Park in the meantime.
140) Or maybe I will just watch this True Blood crap, and spill the beans. SO tempting.
141) I am not watching the premiere of Manhattan, but the fact is by the same West Wing had me at hello.
142) Wow. The movie No Good deed movie coming out sounds horrifying if I was a chick.
142a) During editing, I got bored with showing pictures.
143) Matt, Ok. There are like four good songs on this new LP CD.
144) Please tell me if you don’t think one of the greatest comebacks in history is not Robert Downey, Jr.
145) I have two regrets in life. A) I have no friends outside of Scott, Kyle, and Vince B) I got kicked out of the Navy. Not bad for being 41. I wouldn’t have met Lindsey had I not made those mistakes. I am repeating myself.
146) I look up to to people like Vince, who uses technology to find a liquor store before we golf.
147) I get the feeling there will be less pictures than I initially thought.
148) Top Gun is coming to Red Rocks. Can we NOT travel those days. Mark?
149) I see my cousin, Cori, in less than 20 days. Excited.
150) Nibali leading the Tour de France by SEVEN minutes sounds like a lot.
151) Jon Lester is refreshing.
152) My shoe style is dictated by what they have in size 14.
153) I love me new Herschel plan. I just do 100 pushups whenever I feel like it. I am going to be huge.
154) How did UCONN women NOT win the best team of the year at the ESPY’s?
155) Kevin Love pulls out of Team USA. He WILL change all of the NBA odds when he gets traded. Go to the Cavs, man. Come ON. I am DIEHARD.
156) I sometimes impress myself on how good I am at pool. Do you realize I played Joe Cocker in Leadville, hit a shot that went AROUND a ball within 5 inches, threw my stick on the table, and then drove back to Denver? I am so dirty. Actual story. I walk in some bars and people just say “THAT is my partner.” My mouth gets me in trouble sometimes though. I AM from Jersey, and we did play spades, pool, and dominoes since age 6.
157) I am stuck on 488 followers in Twitter. I have said some brilliant stuff.
158) NBA. No 7 day break. Got it?
159) I think the rap from Toni Toni Toni is amazing. “Back to the fact that I’m the mac and I know that.”
160) You don’t have to like Stephen A Smith. I do.
161) I think the 49ers will be fine without Kendall Hunter.
162) If you are still reading, I will send out a nude photo of Scarlett Johansson. Just let me know what color frame you want.
163) That is it. Hope you enjoyed or are least more informed. Will I blog tomorrow? That is a CLOWN question, bro.
163a) They should have done Lucy in 3D. The effects were incredible.
163b) And my favorite pic from the weekend and explains why I always shoot 100 or plus.